A while ago, in a fit of civic nobility, I signed up with Imperial College to take part in investigations that might help with medical advances. You probably know the sort of thing. A few months ago I received an email asking if I was interested in being assessed to see if I was suitable to take part in a large investigation into the causes of early dementia and possibly developing treatments. You didn’t have to have dementia or a history of it in your family (which I don’t – we do cancer bingo fairly well and have every type of heart issue somewhere in the gene pool, but not dementia) so I said yes.
Roll the calendar forward to this afternoon and I’m off to White City, famed as the home of the BBC for many years for my assessment.
The first doctor I met did the vital sign bits, measured me from various angles, calculated my BMI without wincing, quizzed me about blood pressure and my little AF and handed me onto to the psychologist.
I was quite looking forward to this, to see if I was as okay as I assumed. The psychologist – a young woman who looked twenty but was probably older – started with a book, with ten words on ten pages. I was to read out each word and when we’d finished, I was to try and recall the ten words. We did this three times. Second and third goes I got all ten – I’m not saying I didn’t struggle…. but I was feeling chipper.
We then had some images, some drawing (the face of a clock with all the numbers for instance), some number recall, some sentences, and the better known list of random words that I had to recall immediately and then later. Red, velvet, church, daisy, face, if you’re interested. I thought it was three – apple, table, penny – but we are in a time of rampant inflation…
You may get the feeling I was on a bit of roll. Yep, I did think things were going rather well.
‘Next,’ the psychologist picked up her phone and fiddled with it, ‘I will give you a minute to give me as many words – not proper nouns or names – beginning with the letter ‘f’. Is that okay?’
Readers of this blog will know I like words; I like their taste, the way they roll around my mouth and exercise my tongue. I nodded once: not good to be too enthusiastic.
‘Go!’
And into my head popped ‘fuck’.
Oh god. I stared at the face willing me on. I immediately self censored that; maybe I could drop the f-bomb later?
Come on, brain.
‘Fanny,’ says my brain (my brain clearly had the British meaning in mind, not the American one, not that would have been much better in the circs). I looked at the professional opposite, female, getting younger with every passing, silent second and knew with bone deep certainty that starting with ‘fanny’ would have her turning round and opening the door, calling for help…
Come ON, brain…
I hate my subconscious. Flibbertigibbet was next, only in my now nervous state it came out as ‘flibberjubberyflubberyflapppppyy’ or something.
Stern words were passed between my errant synapses and me. Okay, calm down Geoffrey, you’ve got this.
‘Fenestration’.
Seriously? Whatever happened to family, or fish, or friend? Why emphasize the pretention, why don’t you?
I did okay. They chose me, though whether I’m in the halfwit section of the study, hasn’t been made clear.
And at least I didn’t default to ‘fart’….
TanGental 
Oh boy, do I feel your pain
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And yes it was… very…
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Haha! It’s hilarious too read but I’m sure you must’ve felt frustrated 😂😂😂
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Embarrassed stupid gormless… it was very aggravating
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I can imagine.
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You make everything funny and I feel for you.
Hubby has been part of stress and health investigation at UCL for the last 35 yes he says the cognitive parts are definitely getting harder so take heart.
He usually has to go up to London but during the pandemic they came to him ..
💜💜💜💜
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Oh well at least I remembered a few fs
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Oh dear, Geoff. That was predicament. I think you saved yourself by refusing to let those ‘f’ words tumble out. I think it was a set-up though. If they didn’t expect those words, why would they have chosen that particular letter?
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Apparently – I asked why – its a Finnish test translated to English. The f isn’t as troubling in Finnish I expect
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Maybe. I wonder …
Actually, I looked up Finnish swear words – not one starting with ‘f’. 😂 Perhaps it’s the translators fault. 😉😂
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Exactly so..
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Fatuous flim flam! My favourite post today!
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Thank you Pete. I was mortified…
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Hilarious!
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Afterwards…
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So funny, I wonder how many F-bombs were heard that day. Assuming all had the same letter, though I guess any letter could be interesting!
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I think everything is standardised. Based on a Finnish test which may explain the choice of letter
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What a fun tale! At least you weren’t de-fenestrated. I’m sure you came through with flying colors and amazed them all. Hubs and I are participating in a clinical trial for a vaccine for RSV (respiratory syncytial virus)- which is becoming a real issue here in the US, particular for babies. .
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Well done you. I wanted too be helpful so a little humiliation is probably a small price
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It certainly was – it led to a great story!
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Yes, why ‘f’? Most of the interesting ones are ‘f’. I’d have just gone for it…
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On a Finnish test which maybe be why they chose f
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That’s possible…
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Hahaha, that is the funniest thing I ever heard and to think you could have gone with funny.
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I know. Now all the easy sensible fs fill my waking hours. Damn and blast…
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Haha!
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I would think of that word first too. Who wouldn’t?!
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Exactly. It seems the original test was Finnish. Perhaps they don’t have f bombs
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OMG Geoff, that is hilarious! 🙂
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Yes and painful
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Did they mention the stipend?
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No payment. I’m just being noble while humiliated
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You da man
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You had me laughing in my tea!!
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That is a price I’m prepared to bear!!
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Flabbergasted! I am quite certain I’d fail all their tests!
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Nah you’d surprise yourself. It is stressful.mind
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Beautifully described. Fantastic.
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I only hope my humiliation helps others (?pompous? Me?)
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Oh tee hee, Geoff – very funny! Had a good giggle. Good luck!
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Thanks Joy. My humiliated is a rich source of delight it seems
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I’d love to think that, in your shoes, I’d have been much more relaxed about the whole thing – but I suspect not. And it does always seem so much worse when you’re dealing with a woman who at the very least looks younger than your own daughter…
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Indeed that adds to thr pressure. I’m sure you’d have maintained an impressive sang froid. How are the book(s) going btw?
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Borderline is currently with my editor. Took me a while to run through all the beta feedback and make any appropriate changes. About to start on book 2’s second draft. Thanks for asking.
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Good to hear….
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When you said she asked you for words beginning with F, I had exactly the same thought as you. Do you think that letter was deliberate?
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It’s a Finnish test but you would have thought they might have modified it
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Geoff, this was so funny! I think ‘fart’ would have been okay.
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Probably but it’s amazing how pretentious I can be under stress
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Haha!
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Furiously funny 😀
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