And Is That It? #shortfiction

It’s been a bit of a bloody year, one way or another. I found myself in my local garage and overheard a couple of locals having a few problems of their own…

Tyring Of 2022

‘Good morning, Gentlemen? Who’s first?’ The mechanic wiped his hands on a cloth that added more grease than it removed.

‘Er, well, I’m generally considered the third so I imagine it must be you.’ The man with large ears and an accent you couldn’t quite place, took a pace back.

The other customer rubbed his balding pate and glared around the reception. In a hissing whisper that suggested distrust, the Steppes, beetroot and a smidge of megalomania, he whispered, ‘I left my tank…’

The mechanic beamed. ‘Of course. Mr Cretin. It’s out back. I’ll have one of the lads roll it out for you. Now, where’s the list? Oh yes, just the usual. A couple of shell holes, what looks like a suicide drone squidged on the bumper and a bit of a retread. One thing we couldn’t sort out.’

‘Yes?’

‘Only reverse seems to work. Is that a problem?’

‘We’ll cope.’

‘Grand. How would you like to pay? Cash, card, cheque or War Crime’s Tribunal? And can I ask you not to try and recruit Larry again? He just moves the vehicles and his missus wasn’t impressed when he said he’d sorted out the holidays and they were going on a summer invasion.’

The angry stare seemed to shrink until the customer was the size of a small bat and it flew out.

The other customer watched him go. ‘Who was that? I’m sure I know him.’

‘Oh he’s a right bundle of fun. Vampire Cretin, thinks he’s one of them Russian Stars. It’s that bloody celebrity culture. Makes even the most rational psychotic autocrat think they can just wander into their neighbours and be welcome. Anyway, Mr Windsor, how can we help?’

‘Oh dear, where to start. It’s my Monarchy. It’s been running fine for seventy years and then, since October it’s become almost impossible.’

‘Your mum had it, didn’t she?’

Mr Windsor chuckled. ‘She thought she was the ultimate careful lady driver, but she had these blind spots.’

‘Right. I think you mentioned something about the tyres.’

‘Exactly. It’s the Spares. She allowed them to self inflate, never checked to see if they were getting above themselves, and inevitably there’ve been blowouts.’

‘More than one?’

‘Oh yes. First it was the Andrew, who thought it was okay to ride roughshod over everything.’

‘What happened?’

‘Got nailed by its own self importance and has been flat ever since.’

‘And the other?’

‘My fault, really. I knew I needed to change the Andrew, but I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be Harryed into the replacement. I suppose ‘seduced’ is the term. I bought the shtick. “Give your Monarchy a Sparkle; get a Markle”.’

‘Right. Well, your mum never had a problem with her spare, did she?’

‘No, true. I often wondered what her secret was.’

‘She just ensured the Margaret was well oiled at all times. Much easier to control.’

‘I wish things were that easy these days.’

‘You could always follow Mr Cretin and invade a neighbour.’

‘No point really. I’ve just given Wales to my little Willie. I don’t think he’d like it if I took it back.’

‘Scotland?’

Mr Windsor and the garage mechanic exchanged looks, before the mechanic looked down. ‘You’re not big on fish, then?’

Mr Windsor nodded. ‘First a Salmond and now a Sturgeon. Whatever next.’

‘A Carp?’

‘Which brings us back to the Spares. Have you seen Netflix?’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in creative writing, humour, miscellany, short story and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to And Is That It? #shortfiction

  1. Ritu says:

    Ha ha!
    Happy New Year, Hus Geoffleship!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. trifflepudling says:

    Hahahahahaha!
    So many people seem to have had a poor 2022. It’s flown past – we must’ve been enjoying ourselves somewhere along the line! Thanks for your blog.
    All the very best to you all for 2023 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. George says:

    Very good. Happy new year!

    Like

  4. Have you been approached to write the official KC3 bio? I’m sure your country needs you! Happy New Year to you and yours Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. willowdot21 says:

    Talking of spares have you watched Marie Antoinette on BBC2 ITS BRILLIANT!
    Lovebyou post!
    I wish you and all the family and dogs, cats and tortoises a Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Brillant Geoff. Happy New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So clever Geoff. Happy New Year to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. noelleg44 says:

    Happy New year to you and the family and of course, Dog.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ha! Happy New Year, Geoff. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jennie says:

    Haha!! Happy New Year, Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Well done, Geoff, and I followed all the political humour except the bit about Scotland. I must have missed something rather fishy.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. LucciaGray says:

    Genius! I’m useless at writing humour, so I enjoy reading wittier writers like you👍👏👏

    Liked by 1 person

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