Once A Lawyer…

I was accused the other day of ‘still being a lawyer’ even though my official retirement from that career was umpteen years ago. I gave it some thought and realised the evidence is plain. Here are 15 reasons why you can take the boy out of the law but never the law out of the boy.

  1. I find I still say ‘whence’ and ‘hitherto’ and ‘wherefor’ when talking to my family
  2. I cannot avoid defining things as in ‘When you say you’ll be late, what do you mean exactly?’
  3. If I buy something that has a set of terms and conditions I look at them from a distance, sigh and mumble ‘I’m sure they’ll be fine’.
  4. Then I make someone else sign the contract
  5. When I write a shopping list it has a list of exclusions on the back
  6. I insist on things being in writing: so if there’s chocolate in the fridge with no name on it, I think it’s fair to claim squatters rights since  it obviously doesn’t belong to anyone.
  7. I can bullshit for longer and with greater fluency than all my friends save those who are also lawyers.
  8. I enjoy dressing up in gowns; wigs not so much.
  9. In any family discussion I am inclined to say, ‘But you said on the 27th March….’ and have a contemporaneous note of the conversation in my journal.
  10. I am happy using expressions like ‘contemporaneous note’ and don’t feel a dick when I do.
  11. I keep a note of how long things take to do though my attempts to introduce time sheets into our daily routine have thus far floundered.
  12. I am aghast when, having cited a clearly binding Authority, the precedent is ignored: as in ‘but I always watch the rugby/cricket/football/golf on Saturdays’.
  13. I feel more comfortable if I’m allowed to include a simple errors, omissions and indemnity clause on the back of wedding presents, birthday cards and invites to dinner parties. It’s like checking the tyre pressures before a long journey.
  14. Like well trained members of the judiciary, I have the ability to sleep while appearing to be awake.
  15. I can be utterly convincing on all subjects (save incest and Morris Dancing) even though I know absolutely nothing about them.

I expect everyone will laugh at this; after all most people do these things anyway, don’t they? I mean, I’m not that odd.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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53 Responses to Once A Lawyer…

  1. joylennick says:

    Would you swear to that, Geoffrey le Pard? x

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      On whatever tome you prefer Ms Lennick. Perhaps, being very incorrect I should follow the lead of the hero in Neil Simpson’s wonderfully surreal comedy the One Way Pendulum and swear on Uncle Tom’s Cabin…

      Like

  2. This did make me laugh, Geoff. It explains a lot…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So that is how it’s done

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Erika says:

    It’s in you… or it has always been, which is why you chose that profession… lol

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Please define ODD and THAT ODD.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sadje says:

    Haha! It’s big of you too admit to all this.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If it please M’lud do you also wear stiletto heels when gowned and bewigged? Please remember you are under oath!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Annoné says:

    This all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I also find that my years of legislative drafting (including exposure to the EU versions) tend to influence things like my notes to the milkman (Whereas you [insert name of tradesman] have agreed to supply milk to [insert my details] etc, etc.). And when dealing with permissions/authority given to the school for daughters’ school trips etc. I always amended them heavily before signing. Entirely natural.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. noelleg44 says:

    I think all of these are completely reasonable. You should hear my writing group snigger when I parse a scientific experiment in anything I read (esp the Covid data): how many are in the sample and is the sample balanced? What’s the control? No, you can’t normalize. What outside factors need to be considered? You can’t remove the scientist from the scientist, either!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pam Lazos says:

    😂😂😂 My family often chide me for asking so many questions and often say “stopped acting like a lawyer” as if it were even possible to separate the two things, my personality and my law degree. I often retort “which came first, the lawyer or the inquisitor?” And then they just walk away shaking their heads in exasperation.🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Okay – so, as a conservative American who enjoys the distinctions and oddities of British jurisprudence, I did laugh at many of your items. But, in the interest of full disclosure and, um credibility – you need to post a photo of you wearing one of those wigs. It is a statement of respect for the office and commands the respect of all who look to the wearer for an exercise of justice.
    I’d bet you look downright dapper in one and I’ll stop laughing eventually. . .

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ritu says:

    Love this, His Geoffleship! And I think you will never be able to take the Teacher out of me either!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. JT Twissel says:

    I was a process analyst and I always have to stop myself from saying “there’s probably a more efficient way …”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. willowdot21 says:

    The husband is extremely at ease with the contemporaneous note. Like you he’s very good at speaking blockese. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  15. trifflepudling says:

    Those wiry wigs are awful. Even Colin Firth couldn’t make the look work!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. It definitely works in other professions too. I will always be a librarian. Not enough in life is classified and indexed. Yes, Tesco has moved the cereal again and how am I meant to find it?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. tootlepedal says:

    I find it hard to cast off a school teacherly manner.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. petespringerauthor says:

    🤣 I especially enjoyed squatter’s rights on desirable items in the refrigerator.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I obviously missed my calling…

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Jennie says:

    I definitely laughed!

    Liked by 1 person

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