Intelligent Design, Sort Of… #blogbattle

This months #blogbattle prompt is the word peculiar

‘Right Ho, Arnold, Harry. Chop chop.’

‘What now, Gabs? Boss need a new throne? Lightening gone on the blink?’

‘A new dominant species.’

‘Really? Cool. Any guidance? What was it last time? You remember, Harry?’

‘Super-intelligent shade of green, wasn’t it?’

‘Yeah that’s it, Harry. So what’s the parameters on this one, Gabs?’

‘He didn’t say much only it’s a rushed commission – seven days – and…’

‘You spoken to Luci?’ He’s a stickler for time off.’

‘Can’t you take it in lieu? You know how the Boss gets.’

‘Perils of letting his right hand angel run the Union. Luci said no more time in lieu because the amount we’ve built up is nearly an eon’s worth and we have to take it sometime. Didn’t he, Harry?’

‘Yes, Arnie.’

‘Alright. I’ll mention it. But it just means you have to squeeze things into four days.’

‘Four? You said seven which, minus rest is six. Isn’t that right, Harry?’

‘Yes, Arnie.’

‘Well done, but the thing is the builders moved in Monday. They’ve done the planetary substructure and the fitters have been in and laid the surface. The rivers and mountains crew are installing the plumbing and features as we speak…’

‘Okay, so what’s he said about the dominant species? Animal, vegetable or mineral?’

‘You’ll not like it…’

‘I don’t like under three days to create a sentient life form. Is it carbon based, at least?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s a relief. The silicone base we had to use last month was a nightmare. Harry, didn’t like it.’

‘I don’t like silicone, Arnie.’

‘You got a chip on your shoulder?’

‘He has, Gabs. Let’s not waste valuable time. What’s the Boss said?’

‘He wants something peculiar.’

‘Seriously. He’s after a weird commission? That’s a first.’

‘I tried to get him to explain but he was in a bit of a tizzy.’

‘Any suggestions?’

‘Just in case I misunderstood, stick to a tried and tested model but maybe add it a twist..’

‘Okay. Mammal?’

‘I think so.’

‘You’re the archangel.’

Three days later

‘So, Gabs, we’ve done a standard form hominid, upright walker, omnivore as we’d not seen the likely menu when we did the olfactory section and hairless as the climate people were having issues with the thermostat and we heard Fred and his team were doing a range of mammals so our chap can get skins and so on if it gets too parky.’

‘Opposable thumbs?’

‘As standard, Gabs, after the cock up on Depositon Five.’

‘Yeah thank goodness they included bananas in the fruit spec, there. Right, and what did you do for peculiar.’

‘Yeah that caused a lot of debate. In the end we added three elements. The eyes will wear out before our chap reaches middle age so everything will look peculiar…’

‘Okaaay… not sure the Boss meant that but next…’

‘Yeah, well, this one was my idea. We’ve dropped asexual reproduction…’

‘You did what?’

‘Bear with me. We’ve included companion kit. If the Boss doesn’t like it, The Boss just lets our chap go and he’ll die out, in which case we replace him.’

‘Him?’

‘Yep, that’s the neat thing with the companion kit; if the Boss uses it, it’ll create the opposite gender.’

‘Gender? Have I missed the memo?’

‘It’s the latest idea. Comes from Fred’s rabbits. Two genders to reproduce through intercourse…’

‘They talk out a baby? I’ll grant you that is peculiar…’

‘Just bear with me. Intercourse in this case is a physical coupling between the companions. This one here is a man and the companion, if the Boss goes for it, is a woman. We’ve based her on the Boss.’

‘You’ve based the companion on the Boss and the dominant species on a toad?’

‘Part of the peculiar..’

‘I don’t think anyone will deny that…’

‘But as a bonus… Harry, will you do the honours and remove the covering?’

‘What the bejeebers is that?’

‘It’s his reproductive organ. We had to make it up as we went along and we are getting short of parts and time, when we set down to design it. Basically it’s a couple of conceptual eggs that we couldn’t get to harden – they’re hollow and will carry the reproductive materials – and a spare lugworm that Fred didn’t need as the delivery section. To keep them together we’ve used a piece of turkey neck and Harry added some cunning hydraulics that only she can trigger…’

‘Arnie, I told you there might be a bit of a flaw and he might be able…’

‘Let’s not complicate things, Harry. I’m sure he’ll not need to resort to that. What do you think, Gabs?’

‘That is the oddest idea I’ve seen. And what does this hum…’

‘Him. We’ve called him a man.’

‘This man do to reproduce?’

‘He passes the fluids in those eggs to his companion. We think she might be a called a woman.’

‘A wo man? Is that her name or her telling him to back off?’

‘It’s not settled. The Boss can decide…’

‘Oh the Boss will buy it. Too much to do not to. If that’s all…’

‘No, we included one other feature…’

‘Really? Weirder than the reproductive thingy?’

‘We gave him a personality…’

‘You did what?’

‘The whole cat and caboodle. Paranoia, neuroses… the lot.’

‘You think this will fly?’

‘Don’t see why not? What’s the worst that can happen?’

‘Oh, the Boss is big on unintended consequences. The one thing that bugs the hell out of the Boss is if there comes a time when some sort of corrective intervention is needed.’

‘Oh I can’t see that happening.’

‘You’d better hope so… yes, what is it, minion?’

‘Message from the Boss sir. He wants to know how you’re getting on with his intelligent petunia.’

‘Intelligent petunia…? But I was sure he said… Harry, Arnie, where are you going?’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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16 Responses to Intelligent Design, Sort Of… #blogbattle

  1. Gary says:

    Very creationalist Geoff. Obviously any potential connection to actual deities is purely coincidental.

    It would be really funny if the parallels to humanity weren’t pretty much on the money haha. Not that it isn’t pun-tastic as always. Did nobody mention the book that would follow up the construction phase? Best seller kind of thing. I’m sure the Boss would buy into that as free promotional material. Obviously with it, at construct, unwritten it would take much to follow with a book on horticulture and petunias. Not sure that would have greater longevity as a published piece mind.

    Great take on the prompt as always

    Like

  2. Steve Tanham says:

    It rocks, Goeff! ‘Conceptual eggs that we could’t get to harden’. Life May never be the same again…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: #BlogBattle Stories: Peculiar | BlogBattle

  4. aebranson says:

    Yes, you’re right – if we had to sum up humanity in one word, it would be peculiar! Part of what tickled the gray matter was reference to their projects in the past. Couldn’t help but to think of distant galaxies and whatever aliens might reside there. I particularly liked the line about ‘when some sort of corrective intervention is needed.’ Highly entertaining!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Thanks; there are so many possibilities; after all it would be a tad arrogant to think God hasn’t had a pop at world building before and after us, isn’t it? Especially considering the cock up he made with us… I always hoped he treated us as a learning experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You had me at:
    ‘I don’t like silicone, Arnie.’
    You got a chip on you shoulder?’
    And the humour just did not let up, particularly that which men hold most dear is actually a collection of left-over spare parts and a rushed job.
    The best part of theme being ‘well it could have happened like’
    I do like the Geoff-verse, give a whole new meaning to ‘quantum’
    Thanks for the chuckles.

    Liked by 1 person

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