Making A T.. Fool Of Them #writephoto

This week’s #writephoto prompt is

Extract from the court reports, section 17/14. Counsel for the prosecution questioning witness

‘Please give your name.’

‘Sergeant Gervais Tautingle.’

‘And your occupation.’

‘I’m an officer in the Avian protectorate division of the Met.’

‘The bird police?’

‘Colloquially, yes.’

‘And it was in that capacity that you attended Maltesser Hall?’

‘Yes.’

‘Please explain to the court the background to that attendance.’

‘At 2.31 pm I received a message that an incident had been reported at the hall and I attended immediately.’

‘And the nature of the report?’

‘Bird abuse.’ Breath inhalations from the gallery. Gavel rapped. Order restored.

‘And then.’

‘Well, I mean, I put on the blues and twos and pressed the pedal to the metal.’

‘You made haste?’

‘Yes.’

‘And when you arrived, what did you find?’

‘A sinister gathering of potential abusers.’

‘I assume they were not self describing themselves that way.’

‘No, they said they were undertaking a fashion shoot.’

‘You suspected otherwise.’

‘Ho, yes.’

‘So you undertook an inspection?’

Witness references his notebook. ‘The report had stated that the suspected abuse involved the egregious mishandling of foliage.’

‘Perhaps, Sergeant Tautingle you would explain what that means. Members of the jury may not be aware of the terminology used in your field.’

‘Of course.’ Coughing. ‘In our field of work, it is often the case that members of the public can be somewhat cavalier when reappropriating habitats. Viz they prune without due regard to the rights and entitlements of the avian occupants.’

‘They cut down nests.’

‘Something like that. However ever since the increased protection given to our avian minorities, that approach is no longer tenable.’

‘You can’t be birdist?’

‘Quite. And the report indicated that there may have been a lack of due process in the creation of some of the exhibits.’

‘What would due process look like, Sergeant?’

‘You would expect as a minimum that a qualified ornithological assessor would have carried out an examination of the prospective collection environments to determine who was in occupation and on what basis. Consultations with the community and researching historical records to ascertain nesting patterns, that sort of thing.’

‘And this hadn’t happened?’

‘When I inquired of the accused if he could show me the relevant materials he couldn’t.’

‘Did he explain?’

‘He said.’ Witness references notebook. ‘He said, “you what, mate?” And when I explained, he continued, “you’re taking the piss”.’

‘And how did you respond?’

‘I proffered the suggestion that ignorance of the law was no defence.’

‘In those words?’

‘I may have been somewhat more pithy in my delivery.’

‘The accused has indicated you told him that, quote, “you ignorant bird perv. I’ll bloody get you, you see if I don’t”.’

‘Something along those lines, perhaps. It had been a difficult time.’

‘Difficult?’

‘Ever since they enacted law, making it illegal to be birdist, treeist and flowerist we’ve been inundated. Not everyone supports our protection of these non human communities.’

‘While I’m intrigued Sergeant, I suspect the court would prefer us to continue with your narrative.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Tell us what happened next.’

‘Right. I cautioned the accused and began an inspection of the exhibits. I had already begun to suspect that the centre piece was likely to be main point of concern.”

‘And was it?’

‘Indeed.’

‘And what did you uncover?’

‘A Pert’s tit.’

I’m sorry?’ Gasps and sniggers. Gavel wrapped. ‘Would you explain?’

‘One of the rarest species in this part of the country is the Pert’s tit. A perfect example was nesting in the bodice.’

‘And you did what next?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You didn’t rescue it?’

Smug laughter. ‘It was nesting. You can’t move it while it’s nesting.’

‘So you left it there?’

‘With the rest of its family?’

‘Family?’

‘Pert’s tit is unique in the way the members of its family stay together. Each year one pair mates and the rest of the family support them. It was this behaviour that told me a Pert’s tit was likely to be present in the hall’

‘How does that work?’

‘The family group was waiting outside. You couldn’t miss them.’

‘I thought tits were small and shy.’

‘True but there were 42 of them.’

‘42!’

‘Exactly.’

‘And you… left them there while the pair mated.’

‘Yes.’

‘Goodness. How long were they there?’

‘The family are still in residence. It appears they enjoy the facilities.’

‘Facilities?’

‘The chef is well regarded.’

At this point a member of the public disrupted proceedings by attacking the witness. Before he was arrested the assailant – later identified as the hotel owner – compared the witness to another member of the tit family. Then the proceedings were adjourned.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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18 Responses to Making A T.. Fool Of Them #writephoto

  1. I’m currently reading Bleak House. You have given me a larf.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A beautiful response to the challenge! Thanks for sharing, and enjoy a great Sunday! xx Michael

    Like

  3. gordon759 says:

    Have you also been inspired by the recent correspondence in the Times, concerning the ‘Weeping Maiden’ statue in Victoria Gardens, and the correct terminology for parts of her torso.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My comments have been censored by the constabulary!

    Like

  5. Fun story, Geoff. You sure the witness doesn’t work for the US FBI?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. KL Caley says:

    Maybe the dress was more titillating than I realised – haha! Brilliant adventure as always, Geoff. Thanks so much for another great entry to #writephoto. KL ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. V.M.Sang says:

    Yet another great story, Geoff. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: #Writephoto Round-Up – DRESS – New2Writing

  9. Jemima Pett says:

    Hahahaha… Pert’s Tit, indeed. Great idea with the family members – great idea altogether 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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