There’s a lot of difficult stuff in the news just now and normally I rise above it. But sometimes, amongst the flippancy and frivolity, there’s different emotion lurking and I was drawn to this piece about my first experiences of death and grief from 2016. It involved the family pet Boxer, Punch. He was one of four born to our previous family pet, Rusty. She died shortly after he was born but I was too young at two or three to register it.
I’ve written about my dogs in this blog, those who’ve been part of my family recently.
But this is about my first, bitter loss, that first hole in one’s heart.
‘Where’s Punch?’
The dog had been ill for weeks, barely able to stand at times, often off his food. But you entered the room and his stub of a tail wagged like Mrs Prickett’s admonishing finger when my attention wandered in class. I’d been told a healthy dog had a cold nose; I’d taken to checking. His nose passed.
‘Dad’s taken him outside.’
How long is a moment? How far does disbelief stretch? At what point does a tissue of a hope crease and crumple to reveal a universal truth?
Maybe I’d been lucky to reach a unsullied 14 with no conscious experience of death. Maybe not. I’d no bedrock, no relevant experience – how can any previous experience prepare you for something so visceral? Does losing a second limb hurt less?
Parents lie; but however consummate their lying they can’t hide their own hurt. It might be in the timbre of their voice, in the shape of their shoulders, in the stiff way they stir something as mundane as porridge.
Mum gave away, in the time it took to say those four words that our dog, a constant at my side since I was 3, was dead.
The clock ticked inexorably towards the next death, the shed door shut and dad came in for breakfast. They never found a way to have another dog after that.
RIP Punchinello Tillingdown (his Kennel Club name)
TanGental 
Reblogged this on NEW BLOG HERE >> https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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Grief, for pet or person, can sometimes be too overwhelming to describe. It can be all.encompassing..So sad. x
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It doesn’t so much as become covered by other experiences but it is still capable of pushing back through with real power
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I can read the loss in your words.
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Its still very present in my memory
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🥲
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Although the death of a companion is always difficult to bear, that first loss is the worst. Having grown together, shared secrets and tears, worries and fears, there is suddenly a huge hole in your very being!
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it’s a learning experience for certain
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So very sad. This brings to mind the day our Corgie died and how upset my son was. I believe my son was 7 and he´d had the dog for 3 years. He´s lost other pets since then and always takes it so hard, sometimes harder than his children do. But, it doesn´t stop him from getting another after a time. xo
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Maybe the children are hit hard but bounce better. I don’t know, everyone is different, I guess
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I think it is the memory of his first loss that comes back to him. Even though he comes across as being a tough guy, he´s really a softie, and I love him for it.
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yes, that is it. I’m a total softy, despite my best efforts to the Man of the House thing.
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Oh bless. They must have minded very much, if they never had another dog.
I’ve never managed to take on another cat either.
Do look up Kinky Friedman’s ‘Eulogy for Cuddles’ – beautifully written 5-6 paragraphs (though about a cat).
Punch has given us readers plenty to smile about, though 🙂 – thank you, Punch!
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He was a huge dog with a substantial tank of droll to be shared widely… happily not captured in the photos… And I will look up Kinky F…
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ah just read it… I think I’ll start to believe in heaven just so Punch and co can come running…
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Oh? it hurts so much.💜
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it does, probably always will somewhere
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Yes indeed 💜
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They all hurt but that first one is the worst. My English setter, Jeffrey, was taken to Boston by my father to be treated for mange. He never came back. Years later, talking about it with a friend, I burst into tears. I’ve never gotten over it.
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I can recall, sitting here, a dull afternoon when I was about 9. He was sitting by my side in the garden completely transfixed by something and for the life of me I couldn’t see what it was or shake him from his focus. The grass was long so probably June. Not sure why that one comes back now…
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He was part of your life since you could remember. It is only understandable how deep his loss cut into your young heart.
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It was the lack of shock, the sort of seeping grief that I don’t think I understood. It would have been better if wailing and gnashing of teeth had been allowed in my house back then, but one just didn’t… bloody English sang froid…
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Oh, I understand!. Grieving with yourself without understanding what you are going through AND not finding some understanding in your house. That’s so hard for a child.
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I understand Geoff. I miss all my dogs, Maggie probably the most because she picked me and was my baby. It still hurts, as she was a part of our lives for so long even though we have Maya now. She is not a replacement and has wormed her way into our hearts already after just two weeks.
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it feels like they overlay their predecessors, rather than replacing them. Those losses can still return even with the new loves…
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I know. Maggie will always be my baby, but Maya is our Baby Girl.
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This is what I find so difficult. Getting another pet when the ones you had were so near and dear. It took 10 years the first time after a loss. I don’t know that I’ll go round again when we lose the three we have. They are truly family members and irreplaceable. 😘
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I will have to, a homage to Dog when the time comes. He’s v precious but the love they give is not something I can give up.
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That grief is so real. I’ve loved every one of our beloved furry family members and grieved their loss when they passed. This was an excellent read. ❤
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Thank you. It still strikes me as odd that my parents could carry on as if it was just one of those things. I know understand tat was their way of handling it but the fact it forced me to go that route too now feels plain cruel. Of it’s time, I guess…
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I think you’re onto something, there. ❤️
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Your memory brought up mine. I lost my dad and dog when I was ten. There is always a place in my heart for both of them. Thanks, Geoff.
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Yes, so true. I kept my dad until my 50s but even so… it still comes back, the dad shaped hole as do that of my mum, the Punch and Blitz shaped holes and the several cats that have graced us in their own haughty ways… I never did feel the same for the tortoise we lost though…
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Yes in my advanced years I have quite a few holes myself. I can see not having the same hole for a tortoise though. It’s hard to love on them. Besides the other holes might get offended.
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I never could get him to come on a walk…
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Or fetch I’ll bet.
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Nope. As for sitting up and offering a paw… utterly hopeless
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🤣
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I grew up with a boxer too. She passed when I was eighteen and far from home but I could have sworn she appeared in front of me for a brief second while I was walking to classes and I knew she was gone.
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That’s both strange and not uncommon
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The passing of a close friend stays with us forever. We had to put one of our two yellow labs down (cancer) at the start of the pandemic. Since I was born, dogs have always been part of my life, but Jake was the absolute best (and I’ve had quite a few great dogs). He was brilliant and would often use his noggin to figure out a way to get food off the counter, even when it seemed there was no possible way that he could reach it.
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Clever dogs are a real curate’s egg. There was a video of a dog standing at the sink turning the tap on to get a drink but of course leaving it on and flooding the kitchen!!
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All deaths are likely to remind us of earlier ones
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The death of a pet is very hard and memorable, Geoff.
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So true sadly
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I too can remember the passing of my first animal companion. We never forget. 😦
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It’s a rite of passage or something
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