The Perils Of Animating Wood #writephoto

This week’s #writephoto is this

‘Of course I’m cross. Bloody furious if you must know.’ Oodle Knotbeam glared at Barke Saprising. ‘Look at me.’

Barke sighed. Once upon a time carving a living sculpture led to praise, thanks even. You got the occasional aberration, but never such vitriol. That little imp Pinocchio was a case in point. He was a prototype, appealing to the cute kiddie market and the stupid carver had used a lying oak rather than honest ash with predictable consequences. At least, back then your newly minted wooden humanoid had to learn what they were and meanwhile could be directed, no encouraged to understand how lucky they were to be animated.

Now every twig had access to Rustle and other social root systems that had spawned from the exponentially developments in knowledge trees. Before they had even developed a skin let alone bark, they were having their leaves clipped and some were even sussurating shamelessly.

Oodle clicked his knots and spread his branches. ‘Well?’

‘We’ll what?’ Barke was getting annoyed. ‘I’ve given you character. You have a face that can scare willies out of most age groups, that beard is a work of genius… what?’


‘Sorry? What about them?’

‘Where are they?’

‘Come again? It’s a figure of speech. It means…’

Oodle waved him quiet. He took a breath. ‘When you were carving me, what were your ideas? Sweet and charming or ferocious and angry?’

‘The latter. Where’s this going?’

‘Hang on. Male or female?’

‘Definitely male.’

‘So,’ Oodle did a strange limboing thing, thrusting his groin at Barke, ‘what happened? Not so much as an acorn. A Ken doll has more going on down there than I do.’ He reached out this hoary hands and picked Barke up.

Barke waved frantically. ‘I can sort that. No problem. Just let me get my took kit and you’ll be hanging how you want.’

‘One more thing…’

‘Yes whatever…’ Barke wished he’d smoothed off the hands. Those knuckles really dug in.

‘Can you sand off these moobs at the same time…?’

Barke nodded. This gig was getting too stressful. Maybe it was time to move into making sheds…

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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10 Responses to The Perils Of Animating Wood #writephoto

  1. This is so funny!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful and funny! Thank you for sharing, Geoff! Have a beautiful weekend! xx Michael


  3. I’m glad you caught the moobs too. Funny stuff, Geoff.


  4. Ha ha. Only from you, Geoff. What a riot. 🙂 Thanks for the smiles!


  5. davidprosser says:

    Why not a female, their dwarves have beards to rival the male kind. And I can vouch for their tempers. Why, I remember on the film set for Snow White, what, you thought they were men, heavens no, they all carry battleaxes.


  6. petespringerauthor says:

    Hilarious! Lots of folks around here do wood carvings, and some of the characters are pretty wild. I’m reminded of the phrase, “with a face that only a mother could love.”🤣


  7. Nicely done – even the names


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