This month’s #blogbattle prompt is ‘owl’ and this is what came to mind

‘West Worple Police Station, Sergeant Haematoma speaking.’

‘Is that the Police?’

Rhinegold Haematoma sighed. Why did callers not understand what a police station was for? ‘Yes madam, this is…’

‘It’s Ms.’

‘Ms?’

‘Do you have a problem with that?’

‘No, not at…’

‘Is my diction not clear?’

‘Not at all. It’s…’

‘So what is your issue with my titling myself Ms?’

Oh cripes, thought Rhinegold. He could already sense the complaint, the inquiry, the inconclusive outcome, the unsatisfactory informal recommendation, the sensitivity training… and all before morning coffee. ‘How can we assist you, Ms?’

‘I’ve been the subject of unwelcome attention.’

‘You’ve come to the right place.’ Oh heck, that didn’t come out right. ‘I mean, we don’t provide unwanted attention…’ Rhinegold giggled and then swallowed. Shut up, fool. ‘Perhaps you’d tell me what’s happened and we can see what we can do.’

‘It’s not the first time.’ The woman bristled and shook herself.

‘Ah. Well, I understand this might be difficult and…’

‘You’d expect better, wouldn’t you? Given their reputation.’

‘I…’

‘They’re meant to be clever, aren’t they? Known for their wisdom.’

‘In my experience, Ms, education is no guide to someone’s moral compass.’

‘Education?’

‘You said he was clever. Wise. I thought he…’

‘They’re not a he.’

‘No?’

‘No, of course not. What made you think that?’

‘It’s usual, that’s all.’

‘Is it? I suppose that’s why you’re in the police. You can tell those sorts of things.’

Rhinegold scratched his chin. Bit of a weirdy, this one. Still, he’d dealt with worse. The clown, for instance. He shuddered at the memory of those oversized shoes. ‘Shall we start with your name, Ms?’

‘Birdy Neste.’

Oh great. A wacko. ‘And do you prefer Birdy or Ms Neste.’

‘Depends who it is.’

‘Of course, Ms Neste. And do you know who is giving you their unwanted attention?’

‘Well, no but I know where they live.’

‘That’s helpful. And can you also give us a description?’

‘They all look the same, don’t they?’

Silently ignoring the little voice that screamed bigot, while acknowledging he often had that problem with the people who served in the Chinese takeaway, he forced his voice to stay even, ‘any little detail would help. Colour of their hair. Eyes….’

‘Orange. Definitely orange.’

Rhinegold straightened up. She wasn’t a weirdy wacko. No, this one was taking the wotsit. ‘I’m sorry Ms but people don’t have orange eyes.’

There was a pause that headed for an awkward silence. Briefly Rhinegold wondered if she’d rung off, when….

‘People? Who mentioned people?’

‘You said you had had unwanted attention and…’

‘It was an owl.’

‘An owl?’

‘An eagle owl. Big brute. Orange, maybe amber eyes. White. Well, ish. Wherever I went it kept staring at me. Gave me the willies.’

‘You’re worried about an owl watching you.’

‘Well, obviously it’s not the first time.’

‘This owl, or maybe other owls have been watching you?’ He knew he should stop. Threaten her with wasting police time, but there was something rather compelling about this one.’

‘No, this is the first owl.’

‘But you said…’

‘They were different types. A heron, last Thursday after I had highlights done, and those two sparrows who followed me home from bingo. Before that there have been a club footed pigeon who sat on my windowsill for weeks, an albino nuthatch that had this creepy way of pecking that made my nethers itch… but the owl. This one is predatory.’

Under his breath Rhinegold whispered, ‘All owls are predators, you s…’

‘Yes, I know their biology, thank you Constable.’

‘It’s sergeant, Ms.’ He took a breath. ‘I’m not sure we’re set up for this sort of issue.’

‘I pay taxes. Rates. I expect some protection. I mean, we all know it starts with a few looks. Then it’s the whistling.’

‘I think you’ll find that’s what birds do, Ms. They whistle.’

‘Easy for you to say as a man. You don’t know what it’s like having these bird pervs…’

‘Bird pervs?’

‘They fill my garden all the bloody time. And if I annoy them, it’s a dirty protest. That has to be illegal, doesn’t it? Throwing faeces at me.’

‘It would be if it was a human, Ms.’

‘Well it’s about time you took it… oh it’s back.’ The woman screamed and there was sounds of what could only be described as a kerfuffle.

‘Ms? Are you there? Are you okay?’

The screaming and what sounded like flapping continued. Rhinegold picked up the other phone. ‘Janice, it’s Reg. I’m on an outside call. Can we trace it? Sure.’ While he waited and listened to the squawking, screaming and contrafabulation, he doodled a large albatross staring at a tiny world. A voice brought him out of his vivid if essentially disquieting dream. ‘You’ve got it? Great. Can you get a Patrol car there? Tell them a woman is having some trouble with a stalker.’ He grinned to himself. Let someone else deal with the fruitcake. ‘Oh and Janice? Make it clear, that above all else, who’ve takes the job must not – and this is very important – they must not make a tit of themselves.’