Sea Fever by John Masefield is a classic that begins ‘I must down to the seas again’. This is my alternative version….
I must up to the loo again
As I give in to the urge to pee
And while I stand and await the flow
I ask Ma Nature: ‘Why me?’
Is it really too much to be allowed
To sleep from eleven till late?
What did I do to upset the gods
To trigger this nightly hate?
I’ve paid my taxes, I’ve cleaned the fridge,
I’ve pretended to like green tea;
But like an alarm that won’t switch off
At five I must up to pee.
When the moment comes and my bladder calls
I shuffle like ancient man
Trying to pretend I’m still asleep
As I point Percy at the pan.
On autopilot, I hope my aim
Is vaguely accurate
I don’t want to miss and puddle instead
And leave the floor in a state.
But truth be told as I freely admit
I don’t give a tinker’s cuss
To trade a splash for a little more sleep
Is worth the subsequent fuss.
But for those still with your gilded youth
Please, this advice, don’t ignore:
Each time you stand (or sit) to pee
Squeeze, squeeze your pelvic floor.