The Ever Afters: Behind The Scenes #fairytales #humour

Have you ever wondered what happened to the characters in fairy tales, after we leave them? Well this is where we find out.

The Sergeant called the briefing to order. He eyed the ranks of weasels, foxes, wolves, snakes, skunks and other unloved species that comprised the fairyland police force. ‘Morning.’

‘Mornign, Sarge,’ his audience mumbled back.

The sergeant grabbed hold of the lectern. ‘Come on, you miserable, lot. We’ve a job to do. Why the long faces?’

Constable Anna Conda raised a cynical eyebrow. ‘You not seen the Fairyland Bugle, Sarge?’ She held up the local paper. ‘Looks like another itinerant scribe has been commissioned to write a trite moralistic tale with us as the bad guys, again.’

‘Rise above it, Anna.’

‘Easy for you Sarge. You’re a bloody biped. You try it with my bone structure.’

The Sergeant rapped the lectern. ‘Let’s do this and get you out there.’ He checked his notes. ‘That oatmeal thief has been at it again. Rumour has it the perp has blonde hair. I need someone to interview old man Grizzly and his family.’

The sigh was universal. ‘Come on. Maybe try that new DNA test.’

‘What’s that?’ A voice called from the back.

‘Do Not Argue. Might keep the grumpy bear quiet for once. Next, Porcine Developments have lost their planning battle and the bailiffs need support to ensure their illegal houses are demolished. Any takers?’

A few hands went up, unenthusiastically. Another voice said, ‘they’ll let them off again. They always do.’

‘Yes well, try and make sure they don’t blow hot and cold, this time. Next, we’ve received a report that an out of state royal is threatening to poison an itinerant cleaner who’s working for a bunch of miners.’

‘The Dwarf brothers? Not me, thanks.’ Constable Wallace Weasel looked around for support.

‘Why not? Asked the sergeant.

‘Have you heard them whistling? I don’t know how she stands it.’

The woman next to the Weasel laughed. ‘She’s had tinnitus since a girl. She doesn’t notice.’

‘Check it out Wallace. Next, that Hood girl is distributing her cookies again, despite the terms of her probation. Word is she’s using her grandma’s as a front. We need someone to go undercover and check it out.’

‘I’ll go.’ A large brown wolf raised his paw. Laughter rippled round the group, causing the wolf to emit an annoyed howl. ‘What?’

‘You’ll never fool Hood. She’s too cute.’

‘I so will.’

‘Oh sure you will, Lupus. She’ll eat you for breakfast.’

The sergeant brought them to order. ‘There have been several complaints of sexual harassment amongst the amphibians. Seems to be a bunch of itinerant princes, forcing themselves on the female frog population. Anyone?’

Anna Conda raised her hand. The sergeant nodded. ‘Given them a scare, Anna, and I mean the princes, not the bloody frogs. Finally, all leave is cancelled this weekend.’ He waited until the groans subsided. ‘I know, but we’ve had word the Emperor’s annual streak will be disrupted by some fashion terrorists who are intent on undermining the whole process.’

‘What are they going to do?’

‘No one knows, but after the last time, we’re not going to be the ones caught with our pants down. Right, questions?’

No one spoke. A few heads shook.

‘Good. Off you go and be safe out there.’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in creative writing, Fairytales, humour, miscellany and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Ever Afters: Behind The Scenes #fairytales #humour

  1. Ritu says:

    Needed a chuckle, today!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Darlene says:

    A good one. Had me grinning from ear to ear!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great fun, Geoff. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:

    New broke later that morning that Rappa Unzel had blinded Prince Boniface whilst tossing around her hair ……
    Nice one Geoff😳

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jennie says:

    This was truly funny!

    Liked by 1 person

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