The Christmas Letter #amusedpoetry #chelowens

Posted on Nov 21, 2020 by TanGental

Chelsea runs her A Mused poetry contest here. This weeks it is the Christmas letter, in poetry form… okay, what about this?

Anus Horribilis – my bum year

Well 2020’s been one hell of a year

Though as you see it deserves one cheer.

In January our eldest lad

Decided to become a dad.

His wife however wasn’t happy

And strangled him with a unwashed nappy.

While we were dealing with that little trauma

Debbie our girl had her own drama.

She thought she’d do home repairs

But impaled herself on the stairs.

We entered March rather nervy

When we heard Aunt Joan had viral scurvy.

If that wasn’t bad enough,

Uncle Martin choked on snuff.

In April Grandpa called a meeting

To say ‘I’m gay’ though any joy was fleeting

As Grandma Susan showed her ire

By setting the old boy on fire.

May and June, they were grim

When cousin Mervin dissolved his twin

And my dear papa fared far worse

When too much beer caused his spleen to burst.

The months from July to September

Weren’t the sort you’d want to remember:

I broke a leg, Jane had conniptions

While Tiny Tom ate the kittens.

October promised to be better

We were given an Irish Setter

But sadly I must report

The bloody dog saw me in court:

Apparently I’m responsible

When he ripped out the postman’s tonsils.

I was bailed through November

Which brings us to December

Christmas looms;

We’re fighting the gloom.

I know many dear souls have passed away

And it will be quiet come Christmas Day.

But let’s try, shall we, to take the positives.

At least I’m not feeding my bloody relatives…

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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30 Responses to The Christmas Letter #amusedpoetry #chelowens

  1. pensitivity101 says:
    Nov 21, 2020 at 1:05 pm

    fun post Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. V.M.Sang says:
    Nov 21, 2020 at 5:23 pm

    Well, you’re got to laugh, haven’t you, or you’d cry at this anno horribilis.
    Great fun post, Geoff. (At least I hope it was!) 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:
    Nov 21, 2020 at 6:55 pm

    Love it Geoff…. Don’t get me started! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Norah says:
    Nov 22, 2020 at 10:30 am

    Very funny, Geoff. At first I thought you were recounting your year, then I realised it was fiction – or at least I hope it was. Enjoy Christmas! Regardless of who you must feed. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Elizabeth says:
    Nov 22, 2020 at 8:21 pm

    Wonderful spoof on those totally obnoxious opportunities to gloat called “Christmas letters.”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. George says:
    Nov 28, 2020 at 8:53 am

    Haha. I was half expecting it to conclude with you eating relatives!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. equitysoftware says:
    Dec 2, 2020 at 9:17 am

    1st I think you were recounting your year, then I realized it was fiction – or at least I hope it was. Enjoy Christmas! Regardless of who you must feed.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: WINNER of the A Mused Poetry Contest 12/11/2020 | Chel Owens

  11. Chel Owens says:
    Dec 12, 2020 at 6:10 am

    The thought I retained after getting through all of that was: how does one impale herself on the stairs? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  12. willowdot21 says:
    Dec 12, 2020 at 9:18 am

    Lol I nearly called mine that but decided mine would be a late email! I loved in Geoff you always raise a chuckle 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ella says:
    Dec 12, 2020 at 1:18 pm

    I have never written nor will I ever write a ‘Christmas Letter’ to enclose in our cards, but I don’t mind getting them, especially from people that I only hear from once a year or so, it’s a way to keep up to date with them. But my husband and I have rolled our eyes at some of the ‘perfect family’ ones as was mentioned here. And my husband even wrote one in jest just for close family members to read (I won’t reveal identities, but it included arrests, alcohol, drop-outs, jobless, good-for-nothing loafers, etc.), so while there were many years when our Christmas Letter would be filled with lots of interesting facts, NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE INCLUDED ANY FORM OF PERFECTION!

    Like

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