The Christmas Letter #amusedpoetry #chelowens

Chelsea runs her A Mused poetry contest here. This weeks it is the Christmas letter, in poetry form… okay, what about this?

Anus Horribilis – my bum year

Well 2020’s been one hell of a year

Though as you see it deserves one cheer.

In January our eldest lad

Decided to become a dad.

His wife however wasn’t happy

And strangled him with a unwashed nappy.

While we were dealing with that little trauma

Debbie our girl had her own drama.

She thought she’d do home repairs

But impaled herself on the stairs.

We entered March rather nervy

When we heard Aunt Joan had viral scurvy.

If that wasn’t bad enough,

Uncle Martin choked on snuff.

In April Grandpa called a meeting

To say ‘I’m gay’ though any joy was fleeting

As Grandma Susan showed her ire

By setting the old boy on fire.

May and June, they were grim

When cousin Mervin dissolved his twin

And my dear papa fared far worse

When too much beer caused his spleen to burst.

The months from July to September

Weren’t the sort you’d want to remember:

I broke a leg, Jane had conniptions

While Tiny Tom ate the kittens.

October promised to be better

We were given an Irish Setter

But sadly I must report

The bloody dog saw me in court:

Apparently I’m responsible

When he ripped out the postman’s tonsils.

I was bailed through November

Which brings us to December

Christmas looms;

We’re fighting the gloom.

I know many dear souls have passed away

And it will be quiet come Christmas Day.

But let’s try, shall we, to take the positives.

At least I’m not feeding my bloody relatives…

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in miscellany, poems, poetry and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to The Christmas Letter #amusedpoetry #chelowens

  1. V.M.Sang says:

    Well, you’re got to laugh, haven’t you, or you’d cry at this anno horribilis.
    Great fun post, Geoff. (At least I hope it was!) 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. willowdot21 says:

    Love it Geoff…. Don’t get me started! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Norah says:

    Very funny, Geoff. At first I thought you were recounting your year, then I realised it was fiction – or at least I hope it was. Enjoy Christmas! Regardless of who you must feed. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elizabeth says:

    Wonderful spoof on those totally obnoxious opportunities to gloat called “Christmas letters.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. George says:

    Haha. I was half expecting it to conclude with you eating relatives!

    Liked by 1 person

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