Fruit Conspiracy

The Bramley…

I’m a man of routine, these Rona Virus days. Up, pee, make tea for the Textiliste, feed Dog, put porridge on to soak, make Vicky’s breakfast, feed cats and take Vicky her plate of chopped tortoise stuff…

grapes, with a side of dandelions please

Our apple tree – a delightful Bramley – is next to Vicky’s summer house. I’ve been admiring the growing fruit since the early summer.

July 2020

At this time of year, while the crop ripens, I collect any windfalls.

June 2020

If they’re too bruised or wasp chomped, I toss them next to the trunk to be stomped back into the soil but otherwise carry my collecting back to the kitchen.

If they’re a little bruised I make a crumble or dice and freeze. Unbruised are treated as per the next paragraph

At the end of September I pick the crop and, if they are unbruised store, as per my Dad’s instructions, wrapped in old newspaper on frames in the garage. Last year I stored some 1000 apples which lasted until April. The year before it was about 600. It’s always three figures. Happily we love apples.

Saturday I didn’t see any windfalls; it’s been warm and still. Sunday, ditto, apart from a couple of beyond hope.

Monday, still none. By now curious, I peered into the canopy. And peered. And squinted, And stared. And gawped.

There was one.

One sodding apple. The unbruised windfalls, ready wrapped amounted to about forty (until I opened them to check on them)…

after which there were about twenty…

Logic says it’s a year off, the heat of earlier and in the spring when the flowers were setting in April and May was what did for the fruit. It just didn’t have the legs.

But, no, in this case I’m a conspiracy theorist. There’s an apple thief about. Probably those pesky parakeets, not satisfied with decimating my sunflowers. Come over here, eating my fruit…

Dog is now vigilant in defence of our crops…

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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29 Responses to Fruit Conspiracy

  1. willowdot21 says:

    I see Di is coiled and ready ! It a bugger isn’t it from so many to so few. I hope you wash wash your hands betwixt and between getting up having a pee, making the textilist tea, steeping the oats and preparing Vicky’s breakfast? 😜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. willowdot21 says:

    For Di read dog 🐶💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wish my dog would do that. He eats the crop or okays with it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Good ole Dog. Looks like a little more than a parakeet problem, Geoff.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Suzanne says:

    Aren’t you a considerate hubby. I too receive a cuppa first thing in the morning to watch the sunrise together with the Squire. I am realising that Dog has a few loyal followers 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. trifflepudling says:

    A THOUsand??

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pam Lazos says:

    Definitely an apple thief, Geoff. I suspect the dog.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think Dog is more likely to be asking “does my bum look big in this?” Not the most flattering angle!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Jennie says:

    I think next year will be a bopper crop. Nature’s bounty ebbs and flows over the years. I love Vicky! Where does she live in the winter?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. noelleg44 says:

    This made me laugh, Geoff! When we lived in Evanston, IL, we had a prolific apple tree in the backyard, which drew squirrels to it from hither and yon. I had to fight them to get the apples, finally taking ones they’d bitten into and then tossed, cutting off the bitten half and making applesauce with the rest. LOTS of applesauce. Once I was out jogging about a mile from home and saw a squirrel running down the sidewalk with one of MY applies in its mouth!

    Liked by 1 person

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