Rocking It

‘And you’ve thought this for how long?’

‘Eons.’

‘Eons?’

‘’Yes. Several eons. Many. More than a handful. A heck of a lot…’

‘Yes, got it. For eons…’

‘Lots of..’

‘Lots of eons you’ve believed yourself to be..’

‘I am stone.’

‘You consider yourself to be a stone.’

‘No. I’m stone.’

‘Mr. Pavement…’

‘Please call me Rock…’

‘Rock, you’re a forty something white male who…’

‘You see, I knew you’d say that. You can’t see it, can you?’

‘See what?’

‘My strata.’

‘Those are wrinkles, loose flesh. Part of the normal impact of ageing on the elasticity of skin.’

‘You need to open your eyes, Doctor.’

‘You need to get yours tested.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Look, let’s accept – for the sake of argument only – that you’re a rock…’

‘My name is Rock. My species is a stone.’

‘Stone’s aren’t a species they’re… they’re…’

‘Exactly.’

‘They’re geological. Igneous. Metamorphic. Sedentary.’

‘You mean sedimentary.’

‘Looking at you I think I was right first time.’

‘Charming. Just because I don’t move much, doesn’t make me sedentary.’

‘So why are you here?’

‘I’m a standing stone.’

‘Keeping in mind this is just a thought experiment, why are you a standing stone?’

‘I don’t like rolling. No

‘No, sorry, that was a little joke. I’m a homage stone.’

‘Go on.’

‘You don’t believe me?’

‘Put yourself in my position, for a moment. I get a call telling me there’s this … this… someone… has taken up residence on the moor, buried up to their knees in sand and covered themselves in an artificial rock-effect shell and lichen. Everyone has tried to talk that someone down without success so it’s my turn. When I ask I’m told they’re a homage stone. That’s a new one on me so perhaps you might explain.’

‘If I do, will you leave me alone?’

‘All I can promise is I will report back. It’s up to the park authorities what happens next.’

‘They’ll not get rid of me. They can’t go digging me up.’

‘Not my call. So homage…?’

‘Yes, right. See, there was a stone circle here, once and someone removed one of the standing stones. Tragic it was so over time I came to realise it is my calling to replace it, and so re-complete the circle. I’m a homage to the Stone That Was.’

‘According to the records, there were three missing stones.’

‘Exactly. There are three of us. Basalt…’

‘Basil?’

‘Hello, I’m Basalt!’

‘And Slate…’

‘Kate?’

‘No, Slate.’

‘And me. Rock.’

‘Geez, you’re all bonkers.’

‘Now look here. We’re not doing any harm. We’re meeting a need. We’re correcting a wrong…’

‘You’re three middle aged men who…’

‘I’m not…!’

‘Sorry… two men and a woman, dressed up in painted polystyrene, covered in mould, stuck in the ground in an area of outstanding natural beauty who are pretending to be rocks…’

‘Don’t you believe in diversity?’

‘You’re not rocks…’

‘We’re presenting as land formations. We’re entitled to call ourselves what we want to. Who are you to decide?’

‘Ok, ok. You’re a couple of shovelfuls short of a gravel trap but I’ll make my report and then the park authorities will implement plan B.’

‘Plan B?’

‘Yes, didn’t I say? Tomorrow the first school trip will be allowed in. Teenagers. I understand that they’re going to be encouraged to scratch their messages on the rocks. A new approach to art.’

‘But…’

‘Of course if you were human that would be assault, but really it’s just a little light graffiti, given your impermeable carapace.’

‘But you can’t let them do that.’

‘Live and let live. That’s what I say. Mind you, I’ve seen the little treasures and if I were you, I’d be off to find a safe space, pronto. You know what they say?’

‘What?’

‘If it ain’t woke, don’t fix it. Cheeripip!’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in creative writing, fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Rocking It

  1. Ritu says:

    Another Geoffle classic 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. willowdot21 says:

    Oh, I love this Geoff 💜💜😜

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Don’t you need a disclaimer re any persons living or dead? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Or, following on from Derrick’s comment ‘I don’t stand behind this’ perhaps.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. JT Twissel says:

    “a couple of shovelfuls short of a gravel pit” – that’s a keeper!

    Liked by 1 person

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