Five days before the nuptials #humour #fiction

This is entirely fictional…. of course

Am woken to cheery singing from postie with yet more deliveries for First Born. Feeling dusty as I answer door (yesterday’s Shiraz not as good quality as I thought) decide said singing is aural equivalent of cactus enema and suggest alternative career for postie, viz guinea pig for bacterial warfare. As I’m fighting postie to stop said deliveries being dumped on top of favourite dahlia, invading army, viz groom’s parents and grandmother, etc. arrive (with fewer tanks but more shoes). He runs a vape emporium in Hemel Hempstead (‘my cardamom lung crusher won an award’), she is a former county standard shot putt champion who makes erotic sculptures out of repurposed bedsteads. Granny is a former debutante with piercing blue eyes, the straightest back I’ve ever seen and a rather disturbing habit of kissing me on the lips while she squeezes my doodah. She also has a laugh that suggests she didn’t take up vaping any time too soon. After awkward two hours of dodging the snog-grope combo while emptying their trailer of gift sculpture (‘it’s a homage to the three graces only with penises’) and forty-one shoe boxes, adjourn to pub for ‘sharpener’ with him and granny. First of Her Name happy to spend hour or so helping choose right shoes (‘my speciality’). Granny has dubbonet and lemon and spends happy hour grappling the various manhoods present at the Crown and Concubine; he describes how vaping has saved his marriage.  Reflect on fact that we don’t get a say in who joins the family in these days of love rather than strategy deciding a life partner. Granny is now teaching an itinerant bull inseminator the Charleston while he is explaining his vaping journey to a couple of teenagers, clearly hoping to cadge some free samples. Realise if First of Her Name had arranged the marriage, I would have had to give up on the pub and wear formal attire for dinner so maybe accepting the lottery of First Born’s choices isn’t so bad after all.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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6 Responses to Five days before the nuptials #humour #fiction

  1. Ritu says:

    😂😂😂

    Like

  2. Nick Bliss says:

    Tough read for first thing Saturday morning – Labour Party schism, Boris’s antics etc will be easy after this. Send Granny down to Brighton to distract Jezza and Jon Lansman…??

    Like

  3. Pam Lazos says:

    Geoff, I notice that — much like Zeilig in the Woody Allen movie, or El Greco, the Greek cum Spanish Renaissance painter — you are casually standing off to the side looking at the camera in all these photos while all other eyes are focused on the coming attractions. ;0)

    Like

  4. I rather like the shrewd conclusion – finally, an up side to Freedom of Choice! 😉

    Like

  5. Rowena says:

    Beautiful photos of a blissfully happy day! Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. You too of course.
    Best wishes,
    Ro
    PS We’ve had our own excitement here. Miss danced in Swan Lake with a local semi-professional dance company. It was incredible to see her up in stage in the white tutu as a swan. I havent’ got a photo yet of her in the tutu but another mum caught her in the waltz and it’s an absolutely beautiful photo. I was stoked: https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2019/10/01/our-sojourn-at-swan-lake/

    Like

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