Taking Dictation #writephoto #humour #alternativehistory

‘Morning Moses.’

‘Morning God. Looks like it might turn out nice.’

‘You fishing for a hint? You had a flutter on a sunny one, have you?’

‘God. How could you think such a thing?’

‘Hmm. And the fam? The missus happy?’

‘She wants more children.’

‘Ah yes that is often the case.’

‘You couldn’t, you know, maybe work the oracle?’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Now don’t get all storm and drang but word has it you’re not ill disposed to a little IC.’

‘IC?’

‘Immaculate conception. You know, bonk-free babies.’

‘No comment.’

‘So it’s true.’

‘Look Moses I’ve warned you about reading ahead. You’ll have to sort out your family issues yourself.’

‘Oh great. It’s okay for your lot but when a mate – who let’s face it hasn’t ever let you down – asks for an itsy-bitsy piece of benign divine intervention, he’s told he’s on his own.’

‘Moses, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves, shall we? I’m the supreme being, capiche? The maker of all things, the all seeing, the all knowing…’

‘Not a mate, then?’

‘Not a mate.’

‘Great. So what brings you through the clouds? I hope it’s not another of your hikes. Do you know how many sandals I wore out getting that lot around the Red Sea?’

‘You don’t half whinge, do you?’

‘You try walking round that sodding pond with a bunch of miserable…’

‘Careful. I can always find some where for you to reflect on your lot…’

‘Oh yes. Why don’t you send me the desert for forty days and nights. Like you do…’

‘I told you just now about reading ahead. More of that and it’ll be forty years, not forty days.’

‘You’d never?’

‘Try me. I’m here because I’ve a job for you.’

‘Why does that fill me with the joys? Not.’

‘Oh get over yourself. You’re not that important, matey-boy. There are plenty of others who could do your job. Abraham, Noah, Job…’

‘Fine. I get the picture. All I’ll say is just you wait until your next 360 degree appraisal. I’ll have a few pointers to suggest about your management style, believe you me?’

‘Yada yada yada… Look do you want this job or should I…’

‘Yes alright. You know I’ve got a family and contraceptives aren’t cheap.’

‘They don’t exist.’

‘They don’t? What about that scallop poultice?’

‘Useless.’

‘Sulphur embalming.’

‘Unpleasant but about as useful as pointless parable.’

‘Figgy ungent? Orange pip insets? Date pate?’

‘You’re a sucker for a new idea aren’t you?’

‘Bloody hell. Wait till I get my hands on that Ham. He’ll be lucky if he can…’

‘That’s exactly why I’ve called. This defaulting to violence when things don’t go your way.’

‘He got me sticking sodding pips up my pee-pee.’

‘One might question the credulity of the man who thinks stippling his wife’s, erm… you know is a sure fire – excuse the pun – way of avoiding procreation. Though then again that might work really rather well.’

‘Oh yes, have a good laugh. What is it then?’

‘Oh yes. Right. Now here’s the thing. I think the people need a bit of a nudge. I’m not sure they’ve got the ‘one god’ piece yet. They’re still inclined to offer up sacrifices to all sorts of dodgy deities and second rate celestials. So I thought we might sketch out a few suggestions for how we take things forward.’

‘Uh huh!’

‘You don’t sound sure.’

‘No it’s got its attractions…’

‘But…?’

‘It’s all a bit, you know, egalitarian. More Jonny than Jehovah.’

‘What do you suggest? Recommendations?’

‘Better…’

‘Rules…?’

‘More like it…’

‘Commandments?’

‘Now you’re talking.’

‘You don’t think they’ll think I’m a bit pushy.’

‘You’re God, not some carpet seller. They expect to be told. They can wait a bit for the free will piece.’

‘Have you read part two?’

‘I may have had a sneaky peek….’

‘I told you what I think about reading ahead. So okay, let’s go with commandments. I’ve a few suggestions and…’

‘How many?’

‘Twenty-seven.’

‘Oh, no no no. Maximum ten, five for preference.’

‘Ten!’

‘Maybe we should run through them.’

‘Run through them? I thought you said they should be commandments. You know, sort of imposed dictates of the all knowing?

‘Yes, well, that’s good in theory, of course but you’ll want to have a focus group to test the reactions across an appropriate demographic…’

‘I don’t know…’

‘Fr’instance there’s been a certain amount of chatter about you embracing recycling.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Well, See here’s the thing. In the good ol’ day’s you, being God would decide it’s time to create heaven and earth and all that good stuff. Chapter one, yes?’

‘Yes…’

‘And then you’d run the cycle and reach Armageddon… yes, I know that’s reading ahead but bear with me.’

‘I’m listening.’

‘So, the thinking has it this can’t be the only building project you’ve been involved in. I mean if this one’s finite there must have been others? And there will be more to come? Am I warm?’

‘In a manner of speaking, though of course it isn’t always heaven and earth… I like to mix it up.’

‘Natch. What was the last one?’

‘Tupperware and clingfilm. It didn’t really catch on. Too ephemeral. Hence the rock and stuff.’

‘Exactly all that plastic…’

‘How’d you know about plast…’

‘I’m the bloody prophet, God. It’s what I do.’

‘Right, yes. Soz. On you go.’

‘What people want, if there are going to be these commandments is an emphasis on recycling. You know reusing the old structures. If you make people sort through their rubbish. Bin it properly. Then things will last longer, we’ll not bugger things up for the future generations…’

‘Bit pointless, don’t you think?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Well since you have had a peep at the last chapter, you know things end. Armageddon, yes?’

‘We did wonder if we might have a word about that.’

‘I can hardly change it now.’

‘Oh come on you could rewrite the ending. There is sure to be a second edition of the Bible. How are the sales?.’

‘Bit disappointing in truth. Though there’s this Gibbon who says he can guarantee me one in every inn.’

‘Bit of a risk, lining yourself up with a primate. Not great PR when you’ve made man the big dog around here.’

‘I’ll get him to change his name. Anyway, no changes. I don’t buy these happy endings.’

‘I thought Tolkien nailed it with the Grey Havens.’

‘Pah! Bloody fantasist. Time of men indeed. Come on we’ve drifted off the commandments. What else?’

‘Hang on, Where’s my list? Right. Compulsory veganism, early adoption of democracy, soaps to have credible plot lines, no one to invent the mullet or the beehive and equality for women.’

‘You what?’

‘I told them it wouldn’t fly. Let’s park that one. Maybe if there’s a second edition. What about you? What’s on your list?’

‘People can only worship me, I am the one true God, no false idolatry…’

‘You don’t think that’s says ‘me me’ a little too much? It does suggest a lack of confidence don’t you think?’

‘What do you suggest?’

‘Religious tolerance as a minimum. Or if that’s a bit to next Millennium for you, we could scrap religion and encourage glee clubs. Everyone likes a bit of a singalong.’

‘Moses, I think you are rather missing the point. Just grab a chisel and I’ll dictate my ten.’

‘There you go. ‘Dictate’. It’ll all go horribly wrong if all you want are a bunch of Yes people doing your bidding, saying how wonderful you are. All that adulation isn’t good for a God.’

‘Well, let’s give it a whirl eh? You ready?’

‘Chisel poised…’

#writephoto prompt

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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8 Responses to Taking Dictation #writephoto #humour #alternativehistory

  1. You blasphemous devil, you. So many hilarious bits in this.

    Like

  2. Ritu says:

    Oh this did make make me giggle 😁

    Like

  3. Hilarious…………… bonk free babies! Brilliant.

    Like

  4. Hilariously blasphemous my friend

    Like

  5. For some reason many of my likes are not registering

    Like

  6. Sue Vincent says:

    Anyone that can come up with the giraffe and the platypus must have a sense of humour. Possibly just as well;)

    Like

  7. Pingback: Photo prompt round-up: Reaching #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

  8. Rowena says:

    Very funny…I think.

    Like

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