Castle Hunting #writephoto #humour #flashfiction

The estate agent looked at the clipboard and sighed. “You’re going to love this one, Mr Dracula.”

“You said that last time. And please. Count Dracula.”

“One Dracula, two Dracula…” The agent offered a cheesy grin to his bloodless passenger. The grin saw the expression on the anemic countenance and hurried to find somewhere to hide. “I suppose you’ve heard that before?”

“No one has ever thought it worthy of articulating.”

“I guess the name and all. Must make you want to grind your teeth.”

“That’s never an option for me. Please, enough of this redundant ribaldry. Tell me about the castle.”

“Right ho.” The agent coughed and straightened his shoulders. “Castle Penelope is…”
Dracula held up a hand, noticing a nail had cracked and wondering why these things had to happen to him. Spending too much time in the light, he supposed. Mother always warned him about the deleterious effects off too much vitamin D. If he’d been meant to be diurnal he’d have been born with pigmentation. “Did you say ‘Penelope’?”

“Yes, that’s what it says. The wife of the original Laird died…”

“Better…”

“Of old age and it was a memorial to his love for her.”

“Give me strength. Any, erm, interesting history I can,” the whitewashed visage cracked into what may have been a smile, “get my teeth into?”

“It’s built using local stone?”

Dracula made a hurry up gesture with his hand.

“They used a novel technique to create the turrets which became…”

“Next.” Dracula prodded in the left side of his mouth. That was definitely a cavity. He knew that vegan retreat was going to be a disaster but Cousin Draculum was always wanting to try something new. ‘We’ve got to think about the planet, Gerald. It’s all very well be an haematovore, but think about what it costs to bring a homo sapiens to full maturity before you drain it of its juices – the land needed to grow food, the unnecessary education, the bus passes and woolen undergarments. Plants don’t need any of that and they don’t try and run away screaming. And honestly, apart from that gratuitous piece of salacious tittle tattle on Fox News no one has ever reported fauna trying to impale one of us on a kebab stick.’

“There’s a basement…”

He stopped poking and perked up. “Yes?” He was good at hiding the optimism from creeping into his voice; there was definitely a tinge of the crypt in his vowels. Yes, maybe he should think about that voice over work. He was a natural at intoning…

“Bit weird if you ask me…”

“Do say.”

“Well, the second Laird had this thing about hearts…”

“Alive?”

“Sorry?”

“Were the hearts alive?”

“It doesn’t say.”

“What does it say?”

“Erm, ‘The second Laird was a passionate supporter of the school of Hearts and Flowers that followed the Arts and Crafts movement…”

The widow’s peak bounced off the dashboard once, twice, three times, “Breath Gerald, just breathe…” The distressed Count peered at the nonplussed agent. “Just take me back to my hotel. Tomorrow let’s try those bungalows you said were becoming increasingly popular. Maybe someone died in one. Or at least cut themselves shaving.”

The agent started the car. “Right Ho. I did think that I’d show you Castle Doom. But there’s been so much death and pestilence and general gore and bloodletting there, that the vibe is a bit on the morbid side of bleak. Still… Arghhhh!”

Dracula sunk his fangs into the softly tanned neck and swilled the O positive around in his mouth, pulling a face as he did so. He should have known this one’s diet would be a mix of gassy beer and kebab pies. He pushed at the troublesome tooth again. Perhaps he should see that dentist?

This was written in response to the latest #writephoto prompt

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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34 Responses to Castle Hunting #writephoto #humour #flashfiction

  1. Ritu says:

    Good one His Geoffleship!

    Like

  2. Sue Vincent says:

    Everyone has their cross to bear… or not, perhaps, in this case 😉

    Like

  3. Lol, loved this line: The grin saw the expression on the anemic countenance and hurried to find somewhere to hide.
    I guess he needs a new agent now? 🙂

    Like

  4. Hehe, a great update on Count Dracula’s current life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Loved it Geoff………. Count Dracula, one, Two, Three. Great stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. JT Twissel says:

    Growing those homo sapiens until they’re ripe – goodness. Is Homo Sapiens au Gratin a vegan meal?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahaha! I can’t stop laughing at the ending. Well done throughout, Geoff. Love it. Hugs.

    Like

  8. Now there’s something I’ve never thought of before – what does the blood of a fast food eater taste like to a vampire? All good writing raises issues worthy of our consideration……… 😀

    Like

  9. arlingwoman says:

    It’s hard to feel sorry for Dracula, but obviously he was missing out on the gory place. I was at that castle pictured by the way. Fascinating. And a lovely little mechanical diorama of a naval battle in the basement (the diorama was in the basement, not the battle). It involved Nessie. Dracula might have liked it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. willowdot21 says:

    Oh! Geoff you have excelled your self here! Right up my street I LOVED it . More pleeeeeeeese 💜💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: Castle Hunting ~ Geoff Le Pard #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

  12. Jennie says:

    Oh, this was so good. Yum?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Bryntin says:

    Estate agents eh? Nowhere near a tasty as they used to be. I blame all that fast food they eat these days, no proper nutrients.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. noelleg44 says:

    Geoffle at his best with this one! I never thought about TOO much Vitamin D, but I guess there’s limits. He should have waited for the blood cocktail until AFTER he’d see Castle Doom!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: Photo prompt round-up: Castle #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

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