The estate agent looked at the clipboard and sighed. “You’re going to love this one, Mr Dracula.”
“You said that last time. And please. Count Dracula.”
“One Dracula, two Dracula…” The agent offered a cheesy grin to his bloodless passenger. The grin saw the expression on the anemic countenance and hurried to find somewhere to hide. “I suppose you’ve heard that before?”
“No one has ever thought it worthy of articulating.”
“I guess the name and all. Must make you want to grind your teeth.”
“That’s never an option for me. Please, enough of this redundant ribaldry. Tell me about the castle.”
“Right
ho.” The agent coughed and straightened his shoulders. “Castle Penelope is…”
Dracula held up a hand, noticing a nail had cracked and wondering why these
things had to happen to him. Spending too much time in the light, he supposed.
Mother always warned him about the deleterious effects off too much vitamin D.
If he’d been meant to be diurnal he’d have been born with pigmentation. “Did
you say ‘Penelope’?”
“Yes, that’s what it says. The wife of the original Laird died…”
“Better…”
“Of old age and it was a memorial to his love for her.”
“Give me strength. Any, erm, interesting history I can,” the whitewashed visage cracked into what may have been a smile, “get my teeth into?”
“It’s built using local stone?”
Dracula made a hurry up gesture with his hand.
“They used a novel technique to create the turrets which became…”
“Next.” Dracula prodded in the left side of his mouth. That was definitely a cavity. He knew that vegan retreat was going to be a disaster but Cousin Draculum was always wanting to try something new. ‘We’ve got to think about the planet, Gerald. It’s all very well be an haematovore, but think about what it costs to bring a homo sapiens to full maturity before you drain it of its juices – the land needed to grow food, the unnecessary education, the bus passes and woolen undergarments. Plants don’t need any of that and they don’t try and run away screaming. And honestly, apart from that gratuitous piece of salacious tittle tattle on Fox News no one has ever reported fauna trying to impale one of us on a kebab stick.’
“There’s a basement…”
He stopped poking and perked up. “Yes?” He was good at hiding the optimism from creeping into his voice; there was definitely a tinge of the crypt in his vowels. Yes, maybe he should think about that voice over work. He was a natural at intoning…
“Bit weird if you ask me…”
“Do say.”
“Well, the second Laird had this thing about hearts…”
“Alive?”
“Sorry?”
“Were the hearts alive?”
“It doesn’t say.”
“What does it say?”
“Erm, ‘The second Laird was a passionate supporter of the school of Hearts and Flowers that followed the Arts and Crafts movement…”
The widow’s peak bounced off the dashboard once, twice, three times, “Breath Gerald, just breathe…” The distressed Count peered at the nonplussed agent. “Just take me back to my hotel. Tomorrow let’s try those bungalows you said were becoming increasingly popular. Maybe someone died in one. Or at least cut themselves shaving.”
The agent started the car. “Right Ho. I did think that I’d show you Castle Doom. But there’s been so much death and pestilence and general gore and bloodletting there, that the vibe is a bit on the morbid side of bleak. Still… Arghhhh!”
Dracula sunk his fangs into the softly tanned neck and swilled the O positive around in his mouth, pulling a face as he did so. He should have known this one’s diet would be a mix of gassy beer and kebab pies. He pushed at the troublesome tooth again. Perhaps he should see that dentist?
This was written in response to the latest #writephoto prompt
Good one His Geoffleship!
LikeLike
Delicious!
LikeLike
Everyone has their cross to bear… or not, perhaps, in this case 😉
LikeLike
Lol, loved this line: The grin saw the expression on the anemic countenance and hurried to find somewhere to hide.
I guess he needs a new agent now? 🙂
LikeLike
Hehe, a great update on Count Dracula’s current life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved it Geoff………. Count Dracula, one, Two, Three. Great stuff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Growing those homo sapiens until they’re ripe – goodness. Is Homo Sapiens au Gratin a vegan meal?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! I can’t stop laughing at the ending. Well done throughout, Geoff. Love it. Hugs.
LikeLike
Now there’s something I’ve never thought of before – what does the blood of a fast food eater taste like to a vampire? All good writing raises issues worthy of our consideration……… 😀
LikeLike
It’s hard to feel sorry for Dracula, but obviously he was missing out on the gory place. I was at that castle pictured by the way. Fascinating. And a lovely little mechanical diorama of a naval battle in the basement (the diorama was in the basement, not the battle). It involved Nessie. Dracula might have liked it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes you feel he might have a soul mate in a lonely monster
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perfect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you John. I see Dracula as a troubled soul in need of some suburban domesticity
LikeLiked by 1 person
And the love of a dog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Toothsome
LikeLiked by 1 person
Eat your soup quickly, dear, it’s beginning to clot
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh! Geoff you have excelled your self here! Right up my street I LOVED it . More pleeeeeeeese 💜💜💜💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dracula joins a book group,, dracula goes job hunting, dracula applies for a driving licence… that sort of thing?
LikeLike
Yes indeed, mind you as far as I knew he has already got a job at the local blood bank. 😈
LikeLiked by 1 person
He was sacked for stealing the EpiPens
LikeLike
That’s the trouble with Vlad, millennia old and no sense of values. He did apply for a job at the green grocers but he couldn’t handle the garlic !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha…
LikeLike
😈😁😁😁😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Check this out 😁. https://photopaulm.com/2019/07/14/dracula-at-the-pub/
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Castle Hunting ~ Geoff Le Pard #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo
Oh, this was so good. Yum?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not so much a blood feast more a quick clotting jus…
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Estate agents eh? Nowhere near a tasty as they used to be. I blame all that fast food they eat these days, no proper nutrients.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly. Back in the day you could rely on them to have ingested a good roast and a couple of pints of stout.
LikeLike
Geoffle at his best with this one! I never thought about TOO much Vitamin D, but I guess there’s limits. He should have waited for the blood cocktail until AFTER he’d see Castle Doom!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah yes indeed the impatience of the blood sucker
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Photo prompt round-up: Castle #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo