When Is A Door Not A Door #shortfiction #writephoto

‘There.’

‘Where?’

‘What do you see?’

‘You got me up for twenty sodding questions?’

‘Humour me?’

‘Logan, it’s five in the morning on the longest day. I’m standing in wet grass by a ruin without having had either a coffee or a poo and you’re auditioning for a pub quiz…’

‘What do you see?’

‘A wall. Grass. Flowers. A door…’

‘Exactly!’

‘Oh, give me strength. Which of wall, grass, flowers or door has given you a random stiffy…?’

‘That’s really rather crude.’

‘CRUDE! I want my bed, not some architectural Kim’s game but, oh no, you damn near break in, drag me here on the pretext of the most exciting thing that’s happened in Dollop on the Nadge since Oliver Cromwell stopped for a pee on his way to Worcester and show me an ancient monument which, unless you really are the utter numpty I’ve always suspected WE SAW YESTERDAY! And you’re offended by my defence to your priapic response to  a random list of visual clues… Well, forgive me for being PISSED OFF.’

‘Look!’

‘Oh what now? Did you take a picture of your bum on the photo copier again?’

‘That was an accident. Look. I took this yesterday.’

‘Not another bloody selfie with…???’

‘You’ve seen it, haven’t you?’

‘Is this the same spot? You sure?’

‘See that ridge and those green ferns, like mildewed armadillo bums sticking out. They’re the same. Only now there’s…’

‘… a door? How does a door like that appear overnight? Is it real?’

‘How do you mean? Knock it if you like.’

‘It sounds real enough. How does a door appear?’

‘Extreme carpentry?’

‘Oh sure. Like… someone’s coming! This is too weird.’

‘Should we, you know, scarper?’

‘We’re not ten year olds ringing the doorbell and running away, you muppet. I want to find out…’

‘HALLO. CAN I HELP?’

‘Is he speaking in capitals?’

‘Yes. Hello. We were wondering…’

‘ABOUT THE DOOR? PEOPLE OFTEN WONDER HOW IT HAPPENS.’

‘Yes, how can a door appear…’

‘NOT THE DOOR. THAT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE WONDER ABOUT.’

‘No? It’s bloody odd.’

‘IS IT? IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I COULDN’T DO MY JOB IF I DIDN’T HAVE A DOOR READY.’

‘Couldn’t you?’

‘WELL I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT HAVE A CURTAIN BUT IT LACKS THE EXPECTED SUBSTANCE, DON’T YOU THINK? PEOPLE EXPECT A CERTAIN FINALITY. NOTHING LIKE A DOOR SLAMMING BEHIND YOU TO SIGNIFY CLOSURE.’

‘Look, sorry, and I really don’t mean to press but really, what are you doing here?’

‘ME? YOU KNOW WHO I AM?’

‘Sorry, no. A clue maybe?’

{SIGHS} ‘SKELETAL FIGURE, BLACK CLOAK, SPEAKS IN CAPITALS?’

‘Nope, unless you’re some sort of caretaker.’

‘I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY THAT. HANG ON, WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHERE DID I PUT…? OH, HERE WE GO. TADA!’

‘A scythe? Old school farmhand?’

‘OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE. TRY THIS.’ {COUGHS AND BOOMS} ‘YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!!’

‘Oh yes! You’re the grim thingy…’

‘Cutter…?’

‘Mower…?’

‘REAPER.’

‘That’s it! I never knew you brought a door.’

‘HOW DO YOU THINK I GET INTO THIS WORLD AND THEN OUT AGAIN? MAGIC?’

‘I hadn’t really thought…’

‘NO, WELL YOU LOT DON’T, DO YOU? IT’S ALL ABOUT WILFUL IGNORANCE, PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. SOME OF YOU DON’T EVEN THINK I EXIST. REALLY THE EDUCATION STANDARDS THESE DAYS ARE DREADFUL.’

‘This is soo cool. What’s the other side? Of the door?’

‘THE HALL.’

‘Is that all?’

‘OF COURSE NOT. THERE’S A CHOICE. ONCE YOU COME THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND IT’S CLOSED… DID I SAY IT HAS A REALLY SATISFYING TERMINAL THWUNK WHEN IT SHUTS? ONCE IT HAS SHUT MY GUEST CHOOSES HIS OR HER HEREAFTER. HEAVEN, VALHALLA, HALLS OF ODIN, THAT SORT OF THING.’

‘Can we.. you know..  take a peek?’

‘I’M NOT MEANT TO…’

‘Are there demons? Wailings and gnashings? Boiling oil?’

‘OH, YES. THE WHOLE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE. GO ON, BE QUICK.’

‘Oooo… is that…?

‘TRIDENT SPIKING? IT’S GOOD, ISN’T IT?’

‘Wow. Could I maybe, you know, get a quick snap?’

‘ANOTHER SELFIE? I SUPPOSE, IF YOU’RE QUICK. HOW DO YOU WANT ME?’

‘How about with the scythe raised and teeth bared… no perhaps not that. I know, hood up, face hidden. Perfect. See I told you it was worth getting up early?’

‘I hate to admit it, but you were right? Look, thanks Mr Death…’

‘I’VE STARTED USING DE’ATH. SOFTENS IT FOR THE SNOWFLAKE GENERATION. APPARENTLY IT’S ALL ABOUT BUILDING A BRAND.’

‘Yes, I like it. I guess you need to stand out from other Harbingers Of Doom? We’d better be off. I guess you’ll need to be getting off to whoever’s turn it is, won’t you?’

‘OH, I THOUGHT YOU’D HAVE TWIGGED. IT’S YOU TWO.’

‘Us?’

‘Both of us?’

‘Together?’

‘EXACTLY. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SEE THE DOOR? NOW, YOU SEE THAT PLANE?’

‘Yes?’

‘IN FIVE FOUR THREE TWO…’

‘Arghhhh!!’

‘… A JET ENGINE WILL FALL ON YOU BOTH. PRETTY UNLUCKY, I SUPPOSE, UNLESS YOU COUNT INSTANT OBLITERATION AS A PLUS….’

We did get to see you…’

‘Not everyone can say that…’

WELL TECHNICALLY ANYONE FOR WHOM THE SANDS OF TIME HAVE RUN THEIR COURSE GETS TO SEE ME….’

‘Yes but we saw you when we were alive…’

‘And The selfie? I bet I’m getting loads of likes on Instagram…’

I’M PLEASED YOU CAN TAKE THE POSITIVES. SO MANY PEOPLE JUST WANT TO MOAN. NOW, LET’S JUST CLOSE THE DOOR… THERE.  WE CAN RUN THROUGH A FEW FORMALITIES AND YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY…’

This is written in response to Sue Vincent’s #writephoto prompt, here

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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35 Responses to When Is A Door Not A Door #shortfiction #writephoto

  1. Ritu says:

    You do find some interesting takes to fly with his Geoffleship!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Violet Lentz says:

    Another one out of the park!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lwbut says:

    Well if no-one else is going to, i guess it’s up to me then:

    A: When it’s a jar!!

    I hate questions without answers! 😉

    Very nicely done, Sir! (Apart from the lack of an answer, of course!)

    Like

  4. 😀 Your Death was a lot more vocal than mine!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Geoff, you surprise me every time with your humorous, creative imaginings of photo prompts!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Love the imagination Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. WHAAAAT?? Have you just killed off Logan and Whatsit?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. willowdot21 says:

    O agree with Violet 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So good, Geoff! Bravo! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Norah says:

    Very clever, Geoff, even if the boys aren’t. 🙂 Instant obliteration – that’s the way to go.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Jennie says:

    This was so good, Geoff!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sue Vincent says:

    There are worse scenarios 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: Photo prompt round-up: Forgotten #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

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