I was banished today as a group of Quilters descended on the house and Dog and I were surplus to requirements. We took ourselves for a walk. Also took my laptop so, at a suitable coffee stop, I could have a look at my editor’s latest, hopefully final thoughts on the sequel to my first book which I want to publish shortly. I was fairly confident that there wouldn’t be much but the first question involved grammar and… well, I have an awkward relationship with grammar, in truth. My apostrophes lack a certain consistency, I’m obsessed with get the tenses right so it makes me rather tense if I don’t…. but one thing that turns me inside our with barely suppressed fury is a split infinitive. They don’t matter, I tell myself; everyone does it these days, like eating in the street and wearing hats indoors. But I have a thing…
To share my disappointment with myself I thought I’d re-share a poem I wrote and posted a while back. I hope you are more forgiving of your own grammatical faux-pas than me…
I’ve always hated grammar
So imagine my surprise
When suddenly last summer
I came across this prize
A message in a bottle
That really made me frown
It forced my stops to glottel
And turned my verbs to nouns.
My tenses were not passive
When the letter I pulled free
It left me with this massive
Urge to throw it back to sea.
The writer started out with prose
Which filled me full of terror
Because, and let us just suppose
It was a schoolboy error.
He tried to use a rhyming scheme
A sort of limerick
Which was enough to make me scream
And an urge, his bubble, to prick.
I am not proud, I have to say
I tore his words to pieces
Which left him somewhere high and dry
Alone amongst his clichés.
TanGental 
Ha! Love it. And I also abhor a split infinitive.
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thank are the devil’s temptation
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I’ve just finished the final edits on my next release and was amazed to learn that some grammar rules have changed. Go figure! How are we supposed to keep up?
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It’s unconscionable, Darlene, like changing the recipe for New York cheesecake or finding out that Winston Churchill was really Belgian
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You boldly go where I fear to tread. The mention of split infinitives surely makes my skin break out. Best of luck with your grammar quest.
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I refuse to be cowed by a pack of gerunds intent on subduing my subjunctives…
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I know that family and you are wise not to give in.
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The neighbourhood has gone downhill since the passives took control of the towhhall…
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Don’t… New grammar rules are ridiculous… I don’t even understand the names of some of the things yr 6 need to be taught… And I’m a teacher as well as a writer!!!
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Why do they do that? It was bad enough when the introduced a different mention of subtraction between my schooling and my kids but playing around with grammar – it’s seditious…
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And have you tried division by chunking???
What is a fronted adverbial??
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Nope, me neither…
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And this, dear Geoff, is why I used an editor because semi colons, commas and inverted commas give me a headache. Splendid poem and good to see the photographs of you at the bloggers bash.
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Thanks and yes I get hives just thinking about the Oxford comma…
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Lol, I’m not letting you near my work then! 🙂
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very wise; as a card carrying particle terrorist no work is safe…
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I thought that was the job of an editor …….. writers write and editors make it readable?
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But ego intervenes in the hope I can do both….
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Excellent sir 💜
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Ta…
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I used to manage a group of editors and they were also arguing about some point of grammar or another. The would get so incensed that even years later a couple of them refuse to talk to each other! The poem is very apt,
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Ta!
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“always” arguing and… “They” would get … oh boy.
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Indeed… errors galore
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Greetings my dear Geoffle,
My apologies for absenting myself at the lower reaches of the planet. However, I’ve been beavering away on my book project and am about to launch a new blog to go with it. At long last, I’m finally moving forward.
My question to everyone who claims to have liked and read this post, you’ve missed the typo embedded deep within the text. I’m sure you planted it there just to check whether we’re paying attention and whether we’re prepared to step out of our comfort zones and actually offer some constructive feedback instead of offering sweet pleasantries.
So, where is it?
“but one thing that turns me inside our with barely suppressed fury is a split infinitive”
I presume that should read “out”.
I firmly believe it’s impossible to truly proof your own work because you know what should be there and can easily miss tiny mistakes.
BTW I gather I’ve missed the Bloggers’ Bash. I do hope to get over there for it one day.
My weekly in-person coffee companion has migrated North for a three month trip through the UK and Europe. Another friend is in New York setting up the early stages of her off Broadway musical Milf. Am I starting to sound like I’m feeling left behind? You bet. However, my moment will come…
Best wishes,
Ro
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Keep the faith and well spotted!!
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All of and off of are what abide I cannot
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Is that a direct quote from the latest gratitude himselfibus, Stanley Unwinnian?
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He would have loved it and made them each one word.
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He would. Ah I miss that mind…
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Grammar. Who needs it!?
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Quite. Give it its independence and see how it fairs without a society of paragraphs to terrorise…
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😂
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I used to tell my students that they regarded commas as salt and just sprinkled them around their writing. You are more judicious. Moving from passive to active makes the most difference, and you have done that. As for split infinitives–who cares?
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Me me me… my history master – a man of genius and an inspiration – loathed it as he did PW Botha (he was a South African Marxist) and smokey bacon crisps (the devil’s munchible) and would humiliate any examples found in our essays… I’m scarred…
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I love the idea of a South African Marxist history teacher.
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I embraced the oxford comma in my writing even before I knew what it was, it just made sense to me, but that is as far into the minefield grammatica as I’m going to go. 😀
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Sound plan. Stick to one pretentious university town at a time, whatever the grammatical attractions of the Cambridge participle might be….
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Loved the poem Geoff and sorry it left you a little tense…hugsx
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We all have our grammar grievances, Geoff. I constantly fought with Grammarly so turned it off. 🙂
Loved your poem.
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Ha! I argued split infinitives with my former sixth grade teacher recently.
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