The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Twelve

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

July 31st Woken at seven by panicked First Born. ‘Uncle Rodney.’

Rodney is First of Her Name’s elder brother. He is a consultant urologist and makes novelty door knobs in his spare time from casts he takes of his patients’ privates. He is not a nice man.

The current problem is he has fallen out with his younger sibling Thornton who has begun dating an ex of Rodney’s, one Gladys Thrombolio. Rodney will ‘cause a scene’ if Uncle Thornton attends the wedding.

Helpfully suggest (a) they are grown-ups so can be trusted to sort themselves out (‘Dad, they’re Mum’s relatives. Is that likely?’ I have to admit the truth of this.); (b) they may not come (‘Dad they are Mum’s relatives and you’re paying. Is that likely?’ I admit that is true, too); (c) I could try and negotiate a compromise (‘Dad, they’re Mum’s relatives…’  See above).

At this point First Of Her Name wakes and takes phone. I am dispatched to make tea.

Try and eek out tea making so the resulting brew will be ready in a week but am back in the presence just as the phone is tossed onto my side of the bed.

‘Did you sort things out, Sweetness?’

‘Rodney says he will not back down. If Thornton’s invitation is not rescinded he will embarrass First Born by making a purse out of the surplus foreskin he kept when he circumcised you last year and give it to her as a wedding present.’

A lot of thoughts compete with each other, around professional ethics and tastelessness but I try levity (it never works but while I am used to hope being beaten by experience with the regularity of an Anglo-German penalty shoot-out, I keep coming back more). ‘If he does, we could suggest the Fiancé merely gives it a rub and then they’ll have a large suitcase for their honeymoon.’

Am pleased with myself but First Of Her Name eyes me bleakly. ‘You always did have a high opinion of yourself.’

Spot Spiro Agnew on landing licking his balls; realise why a contented existence is called ‘a dog’s life’.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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23 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Twelve

  1. Ritu says:

    Ooer… Hit a man (or FOF) where it hurts!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. willowdot21 says:

    There is always one relative ! I have the number of an extremely discrete and and reliable assassin! 💜

    Liked by 3 people

  3. That’s not been my usual response to a dog licking his nether region – oh well, live and learn!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It was a funny one, Geoff.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Mary Smith says:

    Oooh, she can be quite cutting, can’t she? 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Norah says:

    I’m so pleased this is total fiction! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. George says:

    Really enjoying this series, though I am curious as to whether any of the entirely fictional characters have recognised themselves yet.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Elizabeth says:

    Ah the invitation crisis again! One in our family threatened to boycott. I said ok by me. That took some of her steam out.

    Liked by 1 person

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