The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Seven

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

July 1st. Told to meet First Of Her Name in town ‘to help me chose.’

Terror grips all morning as I speculate what it is I am to help choose.

In normal circumstances our marriage has remained steadfastly democratic: if we are to acquire anything new, be it a sofa or fridge or wall paper, we are both involved in the decision process thus:

  1. The First Of Her Name determines three possibilities;
  2. I am asked to choose which I think works best, having regard to all elements -viz, style, cost, suitability, availability etc;
  3. I choose and communicate my decision as de facto head of house to the chief operating officer;
  4. The COO informs me if I have chosen correctly; and
  5. If I have not I am given a further two opportunities.

In the case of the Wedding, these arrangements have apparently been suspended. At 3pm I am summoned to ‘Williams, Millinery’. Heart sinks quicker than a concrete crouton.

I am presented with three hats. The first appears to be a felt representation of the Shard. Decide on humour. ‘I suppose the periscope will help you see who is objecting to the Wedding at the back of the Church.’

After stopping nose bleed, I view number two. It is circular in a startling red and is what is described as a fascinator. ‘What does it remind sir of?’ says the grammatically ignorant flunky.

The urge to say ‘a placenta’ is all but overwhelming. With my mind blank, I fumble for anything that might avoid further violence. ‘A Bakewell Pudding?’ I volunteer and begin to weave to the left.

To my surprise The First Of Her Name turns on the flunky. ‘I told you!’

We appear to be left with the last one. It is in a rainbow of stripes with a wide brim. It is completely wrong. She puts it on and her whole face is hidden from view. I look at the flunky. He nods; I nod.

‘Perfect,’ we both intone.

She emerges smiling. Everyone is happy. All expectations have been met.

She buys the periscope.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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39 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Seven

  1. I’m so enjoying these works of fiction Geoff!! The placenta comment made me laugh out loud😂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ritu says:

    Why even proffer an opinion?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mothertherealist says:

    Have you written about your own hat, then? 😀

    Like

  4. Darlene says:

    The choosing of the hat. More stressful than the choosing of the future son-in-law. Which I thought she did a good job of but alas, I was wrong. (a long story) Suffice to say, the hat outlasted him.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Another delicious line “Heart sinks quicker than a concrete crouton.” Since this is fiction I’m wondering how long our hero can take the emotional hits?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mary Smith says:

    I’m sure your help in the decision making was greatly appreciated 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. willowdot21 says:

    Love it, a gorgeous periscope 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JT Twissel says:

    Fiction? Really? I can’t imagine my hubby having an opinion about a hat!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Keep ’em coming, there was coffee spluttered this morning………

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Elizabeth says:

    I am fascinated by the English and their hats. I could imagine each one. Glad I didn’t have to offer my opinion of “leave them all off.”

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My daughter seems to have studied in the same school of decision-making as First Of Her Name: the purpose of asking what others think is to identify what she should most definitely NOT choose. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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