The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Six

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

June 30th: Fitting day. The Fiancé, The Best Man, The Male Heir and me are to have our suits fitted. There is a light-hearted feeling as we arrive at the tailors. It is an invitation only business. We ring the bell, exchanging banter when the blind on the door goes up and, horror The First Of Her Name is framed in the glass.

‘This is fun,’ she intones. The Male Heir kisses the proffered cheek, the Fiancé instinctively ducks and the Best Man shakes her hand. I’m left to lock the door.

Male Heir asks if she should be there, voicing a question both I and I’m sure the Fiancé would like to ask but neither of us need any further punishment after the shock of seeing her there.

‘But darling, imagine the mistakes your father or that one might make without me!’

The tailor, a gratuitously tactile gentleman with over long fingers takes our measurements. Long discussion with First Of Her Name over apparently oversized testes on the Fiance which are to be remedied by the application of spanx.

Momentary kerfuffle as Fiancé tries to escape, thinking his dingleberries are to be panel-beaten by the MOB to fit the suit. The First Of Her Name produces an example of said spanx and explains how these instruments of torture will eradicate the problem of the side on which the Fiancé dresses and ensure the ‘line of the suit’ is not compromised. Unlike said testes. Fiancé remains unconvinced of the efficacy of the plan.

‘You show him.’

It takes me a moment to realise it is I to whom she is addressing this direction. Much hilarity from the Male Heir and Best Man at prospect of me and Fiancé having to try on spanx. Comeuppance ensues when First Of Her Name tells them they will be required to wear their own set if we are all to avoid any VPLs on the day. From the glances exchanged it seems fair to assume none of us know what it is we will be avoiding.

Later, in the Pub Best Man suggests this must be something like a VPN and is to avoid Hello! stealing the images. Hopes briefly raised that the cost might be about to be offset by selling the rights though why anyone would buy them is a mystery. Hopes dashed when it is revealed this is a joke. Agree with Fiancé that we may as well have third pint as it is unlikely we will be able to pee standing up for much longer. On the plus side, my hernia seems sorted.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Six

  1. Ritu says:

    Too funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha Thanks, Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. George says:

    Very good!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mary Smith says:

    So funny. I never thought men worried about VPLs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Elizabeth says:

    It took a lot of b___s to write that entry! I would have been more amazed but I had just read a lengthy(too lengthy)article in the New York Times this week on underwear for transgender women(to hide the equipment) and transgender men(to fake the equipment.)

    Like

  6. Widdershins says:

    Oh, the horror that is spanx! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jennie says:

    This is so funny, Geoff. Far better than Three Weddings and a Funeral. Oh, how I wish I’d been there as a fly on the wall.

    Liked by 1 person

If you would like to reply please do so here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.