The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Four

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

June 13th: Visit the chosen venue. Palladium columns at entrance, fresco pained on ceiling in reception. The place oozes class and old money, clearly kept afloat by new money: viz, mine. Have to sit down. Offered glass of water.

Discussion with venue manager over numbers they can accommodate. Many smiles when the words ‘easily 200’ are bandied about. Have to sit again. Offered tea and biscuit ‘for the sugar’.

Catering can be provided from their own chef or they can arrange for a Michelin starred winner to be employed. If that route is chosen, a percentage uplift will be needed as a sort of chefage – like a corkage only vastly bigger. Decide it is easier if I simply stay seated. A flunky appears and offers to carry the seat ‘in case I need it again.’ Whiskey is proferred.

Find First Born in earnest discussion with First Of Her Name, while venue manager stands to one side trying not to look like a lottery winner. I don’t ask but she instantly overshares. ‘They are debating whether to allow the chef to chose the wines. Apparently he is famous for his flights.’ I overshare that I may have lost mobility as my leg function appears to have ceased. My request for ‘significant opiates’ ignored.

Flunky calls me an Uber and takes me to local pub. Phone rings. First Of Her Name asking my whereabouts. In background Flunky suggests I say we have ‘taken flight’.

I do what has enabled our 29 years of marriage to endure: I lie. Convincingly. First Of Her Name is not fooled. ‘Get back here. Now. Or you’ll be giving First Born away by video-link from rehab.’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Four

  1. George says:


    Liked by 1 person

  2. George says:

    Not a syllable wasted. Still chuckling (for which I should probably apologise).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Darlene says:

    Laughing too hard to respond properly.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:

    You protest too much,Sir.
    I rest my case 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So funny. Been there and lost the shirt.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mary Smith says:

    This is getting funnier by the minute, Geoff.


  7. Ritu says:

    Need another drink… Hypothetical of course, to go with the fictionalised not so fiction diary??

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JT Twissel says:

    Hilarious. I guess I was lucky in that my children just handed me the bill.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think FoHN and FB would have been wiser than you make out here. They would have made all the arrangements without you and just told you what was happening and handed you the cheque book – and a strong, sugar laden cuppa! But your version is so much funnier so let stick with it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pam Lazos says:

    OMG, I’m crying. Just brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Elizabeth says:

    Well at least they appear to be looking at local venues. Here people expect all their guests to join them in the Caribbean for three days of merriment.

    Liked by 1 person

If you would like to reply please do so here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.