The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Four

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

June 13th: Visit the chosen venue. Palladium columns at entrance, fresco pained on ceiling in reception. The place oozes class and old money, clearly kept afloat by new money: viz, mine. Have to sit down. Offered glass of water.

Discussion with venue manager over numbers they can accommodate. Many smiles when the words ‘easily 200’ are bandied about. Have to sit again. Offered tea and biscuit ‘for the sugar’.

Catering can be provided from their own chef or they can arrange for a Michelin starred winner to be employed. If that route is chosen, a percentage uplift will be needed as a sort of chefage – like a corkage only vastly bigger. Decide it is easier if I simply stay seated. A flunky appears and offers to carry the seat ‘in case I need it again.’ Whiskey is proferred.

Find First Born in earnest discussion with First Of Her Name, while venue manager stands to one side trying not to look like a lottery winner. I don’t ask but she instantly overshares. ‘They are debating whether to allow the chef to chose the wines. Apparently he is famous for his flights.’ I overshare that I may have lost mobility as my leg function appears to have ceased. My request for ‘significant opiates’ ignored.

Flunky calls me an Uber and takes me to local pub. Phone rings. First Of Her Name asking my whereabouts. In background Flunky suggests I say we have ‘taken flight’.

I do what has enabled our 29 years of marriage to endure: I lie. Convincingly. First Of Her Name is not fooled. ‘Get back here. Now. Or you’ll be giving First Born away by video-link from rehab.’

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Four

  1. George says:

    Superb!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. George says:

    Not a syllable wasted. Still chuckling (for which I should probably apologise).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Darlene says:

    Laughing too hard to respond properly.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:

    You protest too much,Sir.
    I rest my case 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So funny. Been there and lost the shirt.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mary Smith says:

    This is getting funnier by the minute, Geoff.

    Like

  7. Ritu says:

    Need another drink… Hypothetical of course, to go with the fictionalised not so fiction diary??

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JT Twissel says:

    Hilarious. I guess I was lucky in that my children just handed me the bill.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think FoHN and FB would have been wiser than you make out here. They would have made all the arrangements without you and just told you what was happening and handed you the cheque book – and a strong, sugar laden cuppa! But your version is so much funnier so let stick with it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pam Lazos says:

    OMG, I’m crying. Just brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Elizabeth says:

    Well at least they appear to be looking at local venues. Here people expect all their guests to join them in the Caribbean for three days of merriment.

    Liked by 1 person

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