The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Two

This is entirely fiction. Completely. Utterly. Except for any true bits

April 30th: First Of Her Name announces three line whip for this evening. When I query the timing (Champions League semi, etc) the words I’ve been dreading but I knew were coming are uttered. ‘Wedding Planning’.

7 pm convene in reconstituted dining room, now to be known as Centre of Operations (Wedding). When the Fiancé points out the acronym, he is belaboured about head. Then it is my turn. ‘What have I done wrong?’ ‘You were about to laugh.’

This is both unfair (how could she know?) and true (I was). Take punishment like a Quisling husband should.

9 pm. Brain awash with facts and statistics and flow charts and mind maps and lists but one specific item holds front and centre. The Wedding Estimate. Apparently this is ‘reasonable’ but ‘subject to known and unknown variables’. Male Heir says ‘So were London Olympics’ and I lose consciousness at thought of spending £9.35 billion on a wedding. When I come to, the room is empty and the table cleared. Everyone has gone to bed. My eyes finally resume their ability to focus. On the flip-chart someone has written: ‘Pillock’.

Stay up and spend next three hours googling ‘how can I hide my assets off shore’. We can all do some planning.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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27 Responses to The Secret Diary Of A First Time FOF; Part Two

  1. Mary Smith says:

    I told you there would be much planning! Deep breathing might help – in through the nose, out through the mouth!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Darlene says:

    So funny. I was wondering when cost would appear. It was so much easier when I got married. Dad just sold a couple of cows.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Guido the easy lender may be able to help if you have two good legs. and one good arm

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wait until you get to the speech

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ritu says:

    Oh the fun starts!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The bit about getting walloped over he head almost, is definitely true.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Norah says:

    Good luck with the offshore assets. I’m pleased you have enough to hide. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Widdershins says:

    OK then, this is going swimmingly! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. willowdot21 says:

    Luckily I can only ever be the groom’s mother, and have been so know nothing much about the planning lark! Mind you we know all about the cost! Arm , leg and then some !!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Elizabeth says:

    As they sleep whisper “elope, elope, elope” in their ears.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. So funny! I can see another book being written, titled, “There isn’t enough room under the mattress!”

    Liked by 1 person

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