Textile Trauma

The two detectives paused, while a constable held up the police bunting for them to duck underneath. The little chequered octagons (‘those darling little octoidals are so this year’) hung limply in the airless glade, the heat oppressive. Detective constable Susan Glow hissed, ‘Geez,’ as her eyes adjusted to the gloom and she saw the asymmetric pieces of material draped over the branches. ‘Another one.’

Detective Sergeant George Corduroy sighed. Was this really what got his colleagues so vexed? A sodding washing line? This secondment was a total waste of space. He heard DI Ulysses Trombone’s voice intoning, ‘Don’t be so precious George. It’s part of the multi agency cooperation thingy. Do this right and you’ll make inspector.’

While George hung back Susan allowed herself to be fitted with a mid calf Scene of Crime suit in a diamond pattern with pointy collar. A constable held a mirror while the makeup assistant touched up her eyes. She pulled on the satin-latex gloves and joined the two men in matching cerise and gold one pieces eyeing up the cloth strips.

‘Who are those guys?’ George asked the constable.

‘Textilistic Scientists. Checking for the provenance of the pieces.’ She glanced around to see if anyone was listening. ‘I’m sure they’re Gucci. It makes sense. Part of the bastard’s pattern.’


The woman PC looked irritated. ‘It was part of yesterday’s briefing.’

George shrugged. Another chance for  a snooze, he’d thought.

‘London Fashion Week. The first major show was Prada, then Tommy H, then Mizani and Gucci. If it continues…’ she stopped and glanced anxiously at DC Glow who had taken an evidence bag containing what looked, to George, like a rather tired hanky, and was carrying it with exaggerated care towards where he stood. A tear slipped down her cheek.

The constable stepped forward and offered Susan a supporting arm. ‘Hey, it’ll be ok? What…?’ Her voice tailed off. ‘Is it Gucci?’

Susan nodded, holding up the bag. ‘Naomi wore this, the show’s masterpiece, a homage to McQueen.’ She turned to where George stood, fury in her expression. ‘Do you now see? This is what we have to put up with in the Fashion Police. The worst kind of son of a bitch.’

‘What does this all mean? It’s just some hem or something.’

She spoke slowly. ‘It’s not just any old hem. It’s been systematically slashed. I’ll tell you what this means, George. It means we’re dealing with a serial rippest. Bastard.’



About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in flash fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Textile Trauma

  1. Losing the Plot says:

    It’s a stitch up Gov!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 😀 This was pieced together well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. barbtaub says:

    I was so sure we were heading for “Jack the Ripper”…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Luckily I had put the coffee mug down before I got to the end – but you missed an opportunity as barbtaub pointed out……..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bryntin says:

    I trust that a groan and a slap to the forehead was the intended reader reaction to the ending? Good.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. willowdot21 says:

    Well that’s that sewn up! I lived it but I am cut on the bias and bound to say that 💜🤭

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ha! Love this. I’m sure your wife was very amused!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Elizabeth says:

    I hope the Textiliste appreciates your punny self!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. JT Twissel says:

    Hahahaha! Always the punster!

    Liked by 1 person

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