How To Toast A Crumpet

Colin had not felt this way for a long time, but then again it had been a while since he had drunk tea.

Tea, he associated with Aunts. And Aunts with knitwear. And knitwear with cheek pinching. And Colin had a skin allergy brought on by any pressure greater than 15 psi and which drew blood to the surface of the impacted spot in substantial and damaging ways.

But Rosebud (who didn’t blame her parents for her name but rather a deaf birth registrar) had a tea addiction which manifested itself in the form of a pre- and post-coital aphrodisiac.

Colin tried to protest but desire can ruin common sense and his coupling with Rosebud had been accompanied by in excess of a litre of Ceylon silvertip first pickings and a penis the size and colour of a boiled beet.

As Colin sat in bed, applying vaseline to his be-hived scrotum, Rosebud withdrew to the bathroom to refill the kettle. What, he pondered, was he to do? Could he attempt round two? How would he hide the damage already inflicted on his member and make another go an attractive proposition? He looked at his thighs, deeply embedded with Rosebud’s whorls where her fingers had pressed. He needed a plan.

What Colin hadn’t appreciated, having abstemed from Assam for several years, was the intestinal infarction that imbibing had induced. As the kettle began to bubble so did Colin’s stomach; a tumult was beginning to develop somewhere between his pancreas and prostate.

Colin shook out a cigarette to calm his nerves. He needed inspiration. Distractedly he applied more of the soothing ointment; his fingers toyed with the lighter as he sought the words to overcome his shame. And all the time a flagrantly unfragrant fissile fusillade of flatulence built to a crescendo.

Timing in love as in life is everything. Just as Rosebud lost her grip on the pot and scalded her left pinky, releasing a high pitched squeal, so Colin’s pelvic resistance gave up the struggle in surprise. He gripped everything that could be gripped, as best he could but it was no use. A simple if dramatic chemical reaction ensued: methane (CH4) with an auto ignition of 580C and moving at 95 metres per second as it left his anus when subjected to a Butane flame circa 880C that shot from the squeezed lighter at the same moment will inevitably combust. Apply that combustion to the petroleum jelly that was gently marinading Colin’s encouragingly erect dongle and the effect was impressive if short-lived.

When Rosebud emerged from the bathroom at that moment, sucking her burnt fingertip and seeking sympathy she did not expect to be greeted by what they later came to consider as Colin’s autobiographical flaming spit-roast. It was mad and it was self defeating but she knew in that moment of flambéed flaccidity that, at last, here was a man with the red hot passion she had been seeking all her life.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in creative writing, flash fiction, humour, miscellany and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to How To Toast A Crumpet

  1. Ritu says:

    I am speechless….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Geoff, I would have shared this to FB if I didn’t think it would result in your being immediately and irrevocably banned forever more. Brilliant piece.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Violet Lentz says:

    And he can always name it affectionately after her, to wit, his rosebud… color being what it is…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:

    Please, please I cannot breath …sheer brilliance 💜 I would put on Facebook but I am still persona non grata I shall just have to reblog!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. willowdot21 says:

    Reblogged this on willowdot21 and commented:
    A cautionary tale from Geoff LePard.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You make it all seem so enticing

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LOL. Excellent, Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hysterically painful……… or painfully hysterical? Hell, it hurts to laugh. Brilliant piece Geoff.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh dear god! I’ll never unsee this you know!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Bryntin says:

    Somewhat aptly, the last link in your site’s sidebar when I got to the end of this one was for your book ‘Life in a Flash’.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pam Lazos says:

    Oh, that was rich!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Elizabeth says:

    Now all we need to complete this story is for Pete to arrive from his ambulance days!

    Liked by 1 person

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