When the careers master, a man of sulphurous halitosis and infinite pomposity put him on the spot, Mervin Thomas said, ‘Plumber’. And off to plumb he went.
At weekends, Mervin wrestled, glorying in his Andean biceps, while on weekdays Mervin fought truculent copper, bending it to his will, creating a beauteous cartography of pipework. Mervin was a gladiator amongst contractors.
Mervin had one idiosyncrasy. True joy, for Mervin, was achieved when, alone, he would strip away the tawdry weeds of the humdrum handyman and attack a leaking tap or a faulty fawcett clad only in his tool belt and a grim determination.
Mervin’s demise came one Saturday afternoon. His challenge was a mere dripping u-bend. Alone, and with his toolbelt tight to his torso, he disrobed, squeezing head and shoulders into the cupboard beneath the sink.
While Mervin worked, luxuriating in his naturism, Fluffikins entered the kitchen. Mervin’s enormous naked bulk blocked her way to her bowl. Stealthily Fluffikins approached this pink hairy monster, claws out. She stopped, mesmerised by the tick-tock of Mervin’s pendulous penis. It was an act of savagery and the end was swift.
When eventually the police arrived they were stumped by the carnage. The welt on Mervin’s head suggested a psychopathic manic had felled him with one blow of a sharp edged instrument, but how the assailant had entered the locked house remained a mystery. After all, no one considered the cat flap.
Mervin’s nudity, together with his leather waist-strap and dangling mattock indicated a possible sexual component to this bizarre and senseless crime. No one saw the blood on the cupboard frame where Mervin’s head had impacted. Only one junior forensic employee noticed the line of scratches on the back of Mervin’s manhood where Fluffikins claws had been briefly embedded, but did not associate them with the killing. And nobody thought to ask Fluffikins, now cleaning those selfsame lethal talons about his part in this inexplicable death.
For his part Fluffikins was content. After this, no one was going to block him from his kibble in future.