Dangling Mattocks: Mervin Versus Fluffikins #flashfiction

When the careers master, a man of sulphurous halitosis and infinite pomposity put him on the spot, Mervin Thomas said, ‘Plumber’. And off to plumb he went.

At weekends, Mervin wrestled, glorying in his Andean biceps, while on weekdays Mervin fought truculent copper, bending it to his will, creating a beauteous cartography of pipework. Mervin was a gladiator amongst contractors.

Mervin had one idiosyncrasy. True joy, for Mervin, was achieved when, alone, he would strip away the tawdry weeds of the humdrum handyman and attack a leaking tap or a faulty fawcett clad only in his tool belt and a grim determination.

Mervin’s demise came one Saturday afternoon. His challenge was a mere dripping u-bend. Alone, and with his toolbelt tight to his torso, he disrobed, squeezing head and shoulders into the cupboard beneath the sink.

While Mervin worked, luxuriating in his naturism, Fluffikins entered the kitchen. Mervin’s enormous naked bulk blocked her way to her bowl. Stealthily Fluffikins approached this pink hairy monster, claws out. She stopped, mesmerised by the tick-tock of Mervin’s pendulous penis. It was an act of savagery and the end was swift.

When eventually the police arrived they were stumped by the carnage. The welt on Mervin’s head suggested a psychopathic manic had felled him with one blow of a sharp edged instrument, but how the assailant had entered the locked house remained a mystery. After all, no one considered the cat flap.

Mervin’s nudity, together with his leather waist-strap and dangling mattock indicated a possible sexual component to this bizarre and senseless crime. No one saw the blood on the cupboard frame where Mervin’s head had impacted. Only one junior forensic employee noticed the line of scratches on the back of Mervin’s manhood where Fluffikins claws had been briefly embedded, but did not associate them with the killing. And nobody thought to ask Fluffikins, now cleaning those selfsame lethal talons about his part in this inexplicable death.

For his part Fluffikins was content. After this, no one was going to block him from his kibble in future.


About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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23 Responses to Dangling Mattocks: Mervin Versus Fluffikins #flashfiction

  1. You are wicked funny

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Some wonderful adjectives in this one


  3. I can just picture this, Geoff. I don’t know who to feel most sorry for, the cat, the plumber or the police.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Elizabeth says:

    This does seem to be a companion piece to the one about the poor woman’s experience with the hot water.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That made me mis-gulp my coffee 😀 You know Midsomer Murders? You should write for them.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ritu says:


    Liked by 1 person

  7. willowdot21 says:

    That puts a whole new light on Flash fiction!☺️🤪💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Mick Canning says:

    Everybody knows – don’t mess with Fluffikins.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Rowena says:

    This is why I’m a God person, Geoff. Actually make that dog person. I can’t believe I did that old dyslexic trick without any intention whatsoever. Absolutely fabulous story, Geoff. Loved it.
    Figure the weather must be warming up over there. Still warm here.
    Best wishes,

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      It’s gone parky again but February was the warmest ever or some such..

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rowena says:

        I’m never quite sure to be worried or excited when I have warm, balmy weather on my birthday at the end of July. I’ve been down at the beach in a tshirt when growing up it was always “freezing” (by our standards) and jumper weather. I have no doubt global warming is well afoot.
        BTW we had some excitement here. Another storm, another blackout only this blacfkout didn’t show up on the website. Geoff was out so I had a nap and woke up with the lad all excited and the neighbours’ lights on. Lad had also used up my mobile phone leaving us without any way of contacting Geoff who was at music practice. Turned out that we’d fried the fuse box out by the street and needed an electrician to replace it while the whole thing was still live. I had awful grand visions of it costing a minimum of a grand but with two works out there it was only $350. Talk about doing the happy dance. They could have charged us what they liked so I’m feeling incredibly grateful today and particularly appreciating being able to get back online and have a cup of tea. Bliss.

        Liked by 1 person

      • TanGental says:

        Ah yes two important goals; tea and ITea


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