Please Mrs Patterson #poem

It’s a while since I ruined a great poem but hey, why not? The first snow has arrived here in London – pretty bloody feeble too so in order to celebrate, and taking Allan Ahlberg’s brilliant Please Mrs Butler as my inspiration, please enjoy…

Please Mrs Patterson

Roger’s an awful little pest;

He’s only gone and stapled

My earlobes to his desk.

*

Please Mrs Patterson

Roger really is too much;

He’s liquidized our gerbil

And sprayed him on my crotch.

*

Please Mrs Paterson

I’m not sure we can take much more;

Roger’s borrowed Harry’s toolbox

And nailed Gemma to the floor

*

Please Mrs Patterson

Things are getting out of hand;

Roger’s kidnapped Maisie Wellbeloved

And buried her in sand.

*

Please Mrs Patterson

You’ll really have to stop it;

Roger’s only gone and taken Bob

And strapped him to a rocket.

*

Please Mrs Patterson

You must stop being craven

Roger’s stuffed poor Bill with pitted dates

And put him in the oven.

*

Please Mrs Patterson

I know he’s had it tough

But Roger’s more your psychopath

Than a diamond in the rough.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published two anthologies of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand and Life in a Flash. More will appear soon, including a memoir of my mother's last years. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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34 Responses to Please Mrs Patterson #poem

  1. Ritu says:

    Can the next one be Please Mrs Bhathal l😂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. trifflepudling says:

    I enjoyed that!
    ps We had plenty of snow here out in the boonies. Looked jolly nice on Saturday when the sun came out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fabulous–especially stuffed with dates–and I will be saving this post to show both poems to my budding, 9-year-old poet here.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I didn’t know the original – which is very amusing, so thanks for the introduction. And I think your version is every bit as good – it’s got some great visuals 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. JT Twissel says:

    Oh no, the poor gerbil! Brilliant take off, Geoff! Left me smiling.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. willowdot21 says:

    This is beyond brilliant and hillarious!
    Just wanted to and another verse hope you don’t mind!

    Please Mrs Patterson
    I know it’s all been said
    But Roger set a bomb off
    And the little bastard is now dead.
    😁🤐💜

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Haha! Funny take on the original poem, Geoff. Mrs. Patterson has her hands full!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Mick Canning says:

    I fear I’ve met Roger…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Elizabeth says:

    Loved it. I taught that kid.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Charli Mills says:

    Every Mrs. Patterson can relate!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This seems familiar, somehow…

    Will you do ‘Little Willie’ poems next?

    Like

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