Cinderella And The Ubiquitous Uber #writephoto #flashfcition

‘Oh bloody hell.’

Cinderella stuck her head out of the coach window. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Where is this bleeding castle?’

‘How do I know? I’ve had my head up a chimney for 16 years. How am I…?’

The horse stamped its foot. ‘You said it was just over the hill. Well, it’s me what’s over the bloody hill, pulling this useless vegetable…’

‘Hey, mind your manners.’

‘Oh come off it.’ The horse pulled a sick face. ‘How can a coach talk?’

‘You’re a fine one. Whoever heard of a talking horse?’

‘I didn’t want to talk, did I? I didn’t want to be a horse. I didn’t want to be out in this bloody snow. There I was happily nicking some grain and that old bag…’

Cinderella glanced around anxiously, ‘Hush. That was a Fairy Godmother.’

‘A Fairy Godmother? As in there’s more than one?’

‘Has to be,’ intoned the coach. ‘I mean they’re pretty ubiquitous in fairyland so..’

The horse laughed. ‘Where does a vegetable learn vocabulary like ‘ubiquitous’?’

‘Oh go on, sneer away. I’m not one of your mindless root vegetables. I watch, see. I listen.’

‘Yeah and apparently you speak all of which makes you a loony. Schizo-rhizome syndrome, if you ask me.’

‘Who,’ sniffed the coach, asked you?’

‘Exactly my point. No one asked.  Oh it’s all very well for that tweenie maid, getting her moment in the sun…’

‘As if. It is bloody cold.’

‘Yeah, sorry, bad choice of metaphor.’

‘More a figure of speech than a metaphor.’

The horse nodded. ‘You’re pretty good for a mad fat carrot.’

‘I’m a Herculaneum Pumpkin if you must know, one of the Dolomite Squashes.’

‘Oh, get you. Well I’m a working dormouse who needs his sleep but what do I get? 50,000 volts up my arse and a spell pulling Mr. Podge the Pumpkin. Fairy Godmother. More like Freaky Godfather. The woman’s a monster.’

‘Do you mean mobster?’

‘Oh very drole. Look girlie. Me and the boys will take you to that corner over there and if there’s no castle you can walk.’

‘But I can’t walk. I have glass slippers.’

The horse squeezed his eyes shut. ‘You’re wearing glass footwear? Are you mental? It’s a ball you’re going to? Not some arty-farty glazier’s convention. If you want to nab a prince, take my word and get yourself some DMs. The boys will be utterly potted and if you’re sporting glass a couple of turns on the Viennese waltz and he’ll have lacerated his instep. Did your wonderful Fairy Godbollock give you them?’

‘Yes, she said he’ll fall in love with my feet so my shoes had to be see through.’

‘Leaving aside the fact that the woman should know better than pandering to some royal fetishist’s foot fancy, why not go bare foot?’

‘Oh no, I must have heels. It’s in all the manuals on how to win a prince.’

‘Well, whatever the merits of all this crystal cobblers, I’m stopping by the next stand of trees.’

‘Oh please, I really do need to be dropped off at the front door. And you’ll need to be ready to dash away so being by the door is pretty essential.’

‘Dash away? What’s all that about? You know anything about this, coach boy?’

‘Not me. I was told to go where you pulled me.’

‘Right. Thing is, girlie…’

‘It’s Cinderella.’

‘’Right. Thing is girlie…’

‘Are you always this patronizing?’

‘Hello? I think we’ve established I never exactly chose this gig. If I have to pull this lump of pith around…’

‘Hey, stop being so Legumist.’

‘Oh do shut up. See, once I’ve dropped you, I’ve another fare over in Fairytown then there’s a quick run round the magical forest and…’

‘But Bunty said…’

‘Bunty? No, I don’t want to know.’

‘Bunty said I need to be back under the duvet with cocoa and the latest Joan Collins by midnight or we’ll all turn back.’

‘What into mice?’

‘Yep?’

‘Geez. Seriously?’

‘Fraid so. It’s in her T&Cs.’

‘No one reads T&Cs.’

‘Your bad.’

‘You think? Out you hop.’

‘Here? It’s a foot deep in snow.’

‘Look, We’re what? Four, five miles from home? If me and the boys suddenly turn back into mice, how do you rate our chances? Alright for you. All that cleaning, going up ladders, lugging coal about. Your thighs are strung like an archer’s bow. Nope, not risking it.’

‘But what do I do?’

‘You’re sixteen, right? On a night out? Do what everyone else does? Grab an Uber.’

This is in response to Sue Vincent’s latest #writephoto

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published two anthologies of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand and Life in a Flash. More will appear soon, including a memoir of my mother's last years. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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40 Responses to Cinderella And The Ubiquitous Uber #writephoto #flashfcition

  1. Ritu says:

    Oh too funny!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fantastic! Legumist! Hysterical. Thanks for starting off my morning on a funny note!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. arlingwoman says:

    There was an old TV show in reruns when I was a child called Mr. Ed. Mr. Ed was a talking horse and this coach pulling horse made me think of him. Poor Cinderella. I think the fairy godmother’s magic went awry somehow. I love both the pictures, too. I do hope they didn’t get stuck there on the road.Of course, they could aways roar the pumpkin if they did.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sue Vincent says:

    Brilliant 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Great stuff again Geoff. I just love your sense of humour!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. janmalique says:

    Fabulous! You have a skill with creating surreal, anarchic and very funny scenarios.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Juli Hoffman says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Geoff, you’re the best! Love your take on Cinderalla’s night out. It makes total sense to grab an Uber 🙂 Fairy Godmother could do with an upgrade.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. JT Twissel says:

    Hahaha! I always wondered about those glass slippers!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh my, Geoff, this is so hysterical. I’m still giggling. You have an awesome imagination. Loved the story. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wonder what the uber’s made from…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Charli Mills says:

    This is hilarious, Geoff and brings up an obvious Cinderella point I missed — glass slippers let her feet be visible!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Losing the Plot says:

    Very funny, I love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Geoff this was a fab read!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Norah says:

    Very droll, Geoff. What an imagination. I love fractured fairy tales, but you knew that!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Pingback: Photo prompt round-up: Untrodden #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

  17. Very good!! Brilliant story 😂

    Liked by 1 person

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