If… you go this way…
I’ve given a bit of thought to how I might adapt the Nation’s favourite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling. After all it is famous across many fields and while some see it as a rather Imperialistic verse it’s always been a favourite in the family. So, today ladies and gentlemen, I look at the condition of Homo Sapiens (the male side) in the UK and, well, frankly I think it is rather wanting…
If you can fly a drone yet not drone on about that skill
And capture some celebs’ nips, for your Insta feed to fill;
If you can face the surgeon’s knife and also find the wedge
To have your gender altered, adding meat and two root veg;
If you can make an online bet, and keep on loss on loss
And find some time for other games and still not give a toss;
If you can change allegiance from Arsenal to Spurs
And face the chants of ‘traitor’ and some witch’s paid-for curse;
If you hold the notion, that your MP’s moral compass
Is still intact when it’s bloody plain he’s just a cheating short-arse;
If you can read the dailies and absorb a constant diet
Of fake news and propaganda, yet still you want to buy it;
If you can be a vegan yet not let veganing be your master
Adopt a healthy lifestyle, yet let blue pills make you harder;
If you control the TV screen, as if to the manor born
And pass your nights, alone, with sport and paid-for Scandi-porn;
If you think that days in a sweaty haze of gyms and protein shakes
And rock-hard guns and six-packaged tums are all it really takes;
If you can spend the national debt of a small and sandy nation
On products that enhance your nob or for chest-hair depilation;
If you can drink your weight in beer, and finish with a curry
Wake up still drunk, go off to work and still not think to worry;
If you can take on a lifetime’s debt, for a poxy little degree
And never think that you’ve been had then I’m sure you will agree
That you’ve won life’s lottery and you’ve proved that you’re a man;
But, really, don’t you think, you dick, that it’s time that you began
To realise that the world is sick and everything that’s in it
Should now be run by women, so that, maybe, they can fix it.
TanGental 
Bravo! *nods sagely*
(This really is very well done)
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Thank you I really enjoyed that one.
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Yes…. This was brill!
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I enjoyed doing that
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It appears so!
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Loved that, Geoff, until I got to the end. Why should women have to clean up the mess?
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I’m stunned! Surely that’s the point Rosaliene! Clearly I will have to rethink the last lines to something egalitarian. Sheesh…
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🙂
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Fantastic Geoff, love it and to compound your words you show a photo of Honesty seed pods . 💜🌹🌹
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I do love an honest seed pod. Better than those cheeky fibbers…
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Lol, 😀 were they purple or white 💜
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Oh the deepest purple!!!
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Excellent 💜, I should of known!
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Another delightful one Geoff. Of course, I agree with your sentiments entirely.
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Thank you Jan. I’ve had two women reject the last two lines on the basis they shouldn’t clear up after we useless men. Tsch. I mean… what is a lad to do!
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An excellent spoof of my favourite poem, Geoff. Except the last two lines are wrong. Women are just as bad and can’t fix it alone – we have to work together to fix it.
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I can’t believe it. A second woman who won’t clean up while we boys sit back. What is everyday sexism going to do!? Thanks for the 98% compliment Robbie!
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I loved the last line. This parody was priceless. I had to memorize this poem in school and was always put off by the last line since I was a girl. Yours is far better!
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Glad you like it and thank you. I hope some of it rings true with the dumb arse behaviour of some modern men. None I know of course….
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Brilliant – especially the ending 🙂 I think this version may well come to replace the original.
I disagree strongly that women can’t or shouldn’t have to clean up the mess. Like you I know we would roll up our sleeves and set to with vim and vigor and not a little charm and grace as well. Rather like your mother would have and as our PM does. Hearing her face down the arrogantly stupid remarks of the males of the species has been an almost daily delight to me. And every time one of them tells her “You can’t do that” she does it. And no-one has died yet and there are some big changes happening in this tiny country.
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Ah I think I’ll do what dad always did when there were two strong minded women around… stand well back…. thank you for the kind words Pauline.
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I think we should let women run the place for a while. Enjoyed the poem.
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Hear hear… it’s been difficult enough…. thanks John
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We might be able to criticize their perfomance for once. I’m just saying.
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Ha. As if we dared…
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What was I thinking?
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Arf! Great! Excellent conclusion, too.Afraid they’ll have to clean up the mess because we’ll only make it worse, otherwise.
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I know. As if we’re going to learn now…
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Good thing you interspersed beautiful garden pictures. Can’t think what stock images you’d choose for a few of those lines.
I’m not sure you’ve a reasonable conclusion, however. I think both sexes need to get their acts together and stop thinking for their immediate selves.
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Oh you’re a toughie. And Maybe suggesting women take charge isn’t the same as saying they don’t involve the men in the answer, just give better directions…
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Haha! Brilliant!
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Thanks Al. Love a compliment
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