If (Or When The Truth Finally Dawns) #poems #poetry

If… you go this way…

I’ve given a bit of thought to how I might adapt the Nation’s favourite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling. After all it is famous across many fields and while some see it as a rather Imperialistic verse it’s always been a favourite in the family. So, today ladies and gentlemen, I look at the condition of Homo Sapiens (the male side) in the UK and, well, frankly I think it is rather wanting…

If you can fly a drone yet not drone on about that skill

And capture some celebs’ nips, for your Insta feed to fill;


If you can face the surgeon’s knife and also find the wedge

To have your gender altered, adding meat and two root veg;


If you can make an online bet, and keep on loss on loss

And find some time for other games and still not give a toss;


If you can change allegiance from Arsenal to Spurs

And face the chants of ‘traitor’ and some witch’s paid-for curse;


If you hold  the notion, that your MP’s moral compass

Is still intact when it’s bloody plain he’s just a cheating short-arse;


If you can read the dailies and absorb a constant diet

Of fake news and propaganda, yet still you want to buy it;


If you can be a vegan yet not let veganing be your master

Adopt a healthy lifestyle, yet let blue pills make you harder;


If you control the TV screen, as if  to the manor born

And pass your nights, alone, with sport and paid-for Scandi-porn;


If you think that days in a sweaty haze of gyms and protein shakes

And rock-hard guns and six-packaged tums are all it really takes;


If you can spend the national debt of a small and sandy nation

On products that enhance your nob or for chest-hair depilation;


If you can drink your weight in beer, and finish with a curry

Wake up still drunk, go off to work and still not think to worry;


 If you can take on a lifetime’s debt, for a poxy little degree

And never think that you’ve been had then I’m sure you will agree


That you’ve won life’s lottery and you’ve proved that you’re a man;

But, really, don’t you think, you dick, that it’s time that you began


To realise that the world is sick and everything that’s in it 

Should now be run by women, so that, maybe, they can fix it.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published several books: a four book series following Harry Spittle as he grows from hapless student to hapless partner in a London law firm; four others in different genres; a book of poetry; four anthologies of short fiction; and a memoir of my mother. I have several more in the pipeline. I have been blogging regularly since 2014, on topic as diverse as: poetry based on famous poems; memories from my life; my garden; my dog; a whole variety of short fiction; my attempts at baking and food; travel and the consequent disasters; theatre, film and book reviews; and the occasional thought piece. Mostly it is whatever takes my fancy. I avoid politics, mostly, and religion, always. I don't mean to upset anyone but if I do, well, sorry and I suggest you go elsewhere. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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32 Responses to If (Or When The Truth Finally Dawns) #poems #poetry

  1. Lucy Brazier says:

    Bravo! *nods sagely*
    (This really is very well done)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ritu says:

    Yes…. This was brill!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Loved that, Geoff, until I got to the end. Why should women have to clean up the mess?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. willowdot21 says:

    Fantastic Geoff, love it and to compound your words you show a photo of Honesty seed pods . 💜🌹🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  5. JT Twissel says:

    Another delightful one Geoff. Of course, I agree with your sentiments entirely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Thank you Jan. I’ve had two women reject the last two lines on the basis they shouldn’t clear up after we useless men. Tsch. I mean… what is a lad to do!


  6. An excellent spoof of my favourite poem, Geoff. Except the last two lines are wrong. Women are just as bad and can’t fix it alone – we have to work together to fix it.


    • TanGental says:

      I can’t believe it. A second woman who won’t clean up while we boys sit back. What is everyday sexism going to do!? Thanks for the 98% compliment Robbie!


  7. Elizabeth says:

    I loved the last line. This parody was priceless. I had to memorize this poem in school and was always put off by the last line since I was a girl. Yours is far better!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Brilliant – especially the ending 🙂 I think this version may well come to replace the original.

    I disagree strongly that women can’t or shouldn’t have to clean up the mess. Like you I know we would roll up our sleeves and set to with vim and vigor and not a little charm and grace as well. Rather like your mother would have and as our PM does. Hearing her face down the arrogantly stupid remarks of the males of the species has been an almost daily delight to me. And every time one of them tells her “You can’t do that” she does it. And no-one has died yet and there are some big changes happening in this tiny country.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think we should let women run the place for a while. Enjoyed the poem.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mick Canning says:

    Arf! Great! Excellent conclusion, too.Afraid they’ll have to clean up the mess because we’ll only make it worse, otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Good thing you interspersed beautiful garden pictures. Can’t think what stock images you’d choose for a few of those lines.
    I’m not sure you’ve a reasonable conclusion, however. I think both sexes need to get their acts together and stop thinking for their immediate selves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Oh you’re a toughie. And Maybe suggesting women take charge isn’t the same as saying they don’t involve the men in the answer, just give better directions…

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Al Lane says:

    Haha! Brilliant!

    Liked by 1 person

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