In Which A Cat Is Relieved And There Is A Testicular Conumdrum #writephoto #flashfiction

Sue Vincent’s latest #writephoto prompt is this 

Once upon a time, in a land, far far away there lived a Queen. She wasn’t wicked or anything like that, more a bit tetchy in Thursdays but otherwise kind of okay with being all Queenly. Her people revered her because, well, they didn’t get out much and when they did she was a pretty fine waver and bestower of regal head nods and wotnot. 

And this was good.

The Queen had read the manual and realised that spinning wheels were pretty dangerous and apples definitely to be avoided. As for mirrors. Well let’s just move on, shall we?

The funny thing about this Queen was she never remembered a time when she wasn’t a Queen and neither did her people and that was good too.

Except it was really pretty boring. It’s not exactly peachy for a narrator, you know. Especially when the Lord Chamberlain is as nutty as a box of plugs and insists on the same old, same old. 

Now I know they say don’t work with children or animals and after that Pied Piper farrago over fairyland way I’m not going there but how bad could it be, writing in a pet for Queeny?

Horses are popular, owls, ravens. That kind of thing. All a bit tropey, a  touch cliched, if you ask me so the Queen gets a cat. Yes, I know. Puss in boots. I hear you but I forgot and by the time it’s in the narrative it’s too late.

Anyhoo, the cat thing is all going pretty well when someone asks if Cat has been neutered. Apparently it’s a thing in fairytales, no gratuitous sex and stuff. The Queen was miffed but she’s a stickler for the rules, so we called in a vet.

That’s when it went wrong.

First up it was a she. Nothing wrong there except she wasn’t keen on channelling her inner  virginal maiden. Been to university she said. Five years she said. Not very likely after fifteen flaming sambucas and a dodgy kebab during freshers she said. 

Then there were the herbs and magic potions. Only there weren’t. There was a sharp knife, something in a vial and a lot of blood. Geez, we said. This is a magical kingdom, for pity’s sake. We don’t do bodily fluids anymore. Not after those Grimm brothers signed away their souls to Disney. 

Funny though, it’s not all bad. Cat is a changed beast. He’s taken to turning cartwheels at the slightest thing. Her Maj is out and about more and the people have something else to talk about beyond how many waves they’ll get from the old dowager dearie per diem. 

Me, I’m still narrating but, like now, I’ve taken to hiding in the shrubs if the Lord Chamberlain is passing. Having seen the Cat’s gymnastics, the old boy has his heart set on turning a cartwheel before they close the book on him. I haven’t the courage to tell him we’ll need to get the vet back and his nadgers will be toast when we do. Now that really would make Grimm reading. 

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published two anthologies of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand and Life in a Flash. More will appear soon, including a memoir of my mother's last years. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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12 Responses to In Which A Cat Is Relieved And There Is A Testicular Conumdrum #writephoto #flashfiction

  1. Ritu says:

    The things we do to make news eh!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Excellent – I have no idea how or why – but still, excellent! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      No need to explain. Studies show that too long exposure to my writing renders brain function 51% inept and a third mulligatawny with embedded croutons. There is a cure but it involves rubbing Nicaraguan coffee grounds in each ear while harmonizing the Hallelujah Chorus on comb and toilet paper. Or stop reading but the withdrawal symptoms are the pain relief equivalent of kicking a dead whale down the beach…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sue Vincent says:

    That last line in dreadful 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Photo prompt round-up – Wings #writephoto | Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

  5. willowdot21 says:

    Never mind the cartwheels, the Grims brothers are spinning in their grave.

    Oh! Sorry I eluded to the spinning wheels!

    Liked by 1 person

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