‘And this week on Eat or be Eaten we are going through the Archimedes window. And our guest is Mr Colin Odysseus of Epic Villas, Cheam. Now Mr Odysseus, or can I call you Colin?’

‘I prefer the Traveller, Mrs Athena.’

‘Call me Pallas, you cheeky minx. So Colin…’

‘The Traveller.’

‘Yes, of course. Are you willing to take the chance?’

‘I don’t know. What is it?’

‘Ha! That would be telling. What do you think?’

‘Well, it’s in water….’

‘Yes…?’

‘…and it’s coming out so maybe it’s able to breathe air.’

‘Good, yes… and…?’

‘Er…’

‘Oh come on. You’re the Wanderer…’

‘Traveller.’

‘Right. Haven’t you come across sea creatures?’

‘Of course.’

‘And what’s the worst it could be?’

‘Shark? Killer whale?’

‘Does that look like a shark? A whale?’

‘No, it’s more, erm, scaly.’

‘So Colin Odysseus of Epic Villas, Cheam, are you up for the challenge? You have your choice of net or harpoon. There’s £500 and a microwave toaster if you catch and eat your prey.’

‘No tricks?’

‘This is the last of the series. Would we trick you?’

‘You’re a god. You always trick people.’

‘Silly boy. What might it be?’

‘A harpie? Scylla?’

‘You need to choose. The clock is ticking.’

‘Oh all right.

‘You’ll do it? Good, so off you go. Yes, people our fearless contestant, the Pedestrian is…’

{in the distance} ‘Traveller…’

‘…now entering the water and, see, there’s his prey, it’s rising up. Oh yes, see what it is? This will show those commissioning morons. No second series? Well, let’s see how the ratings are when Mr Colin Ulysses…’

{even further into the distance} ‘Odysseus.’

‘… realises we have RAISED THE KRAKEN! Yes, my people, we’ve had marmots, we’ve had doubled headed lions, we’ve even enjoyed a chimera and a baby hydra but this week we have the mythical creature to end them all. Let’s see what the Undertaker does when he…’

{barely audible} Traveller…’

‘… meets an eating island, a floating hell, a devouring landmass. This will have to be spectacular.’

{just above a whisper} ‘Can I call a friend?’

‘Hear that people? He wants a friend. We all want a friend, Colin. ASK THE GODS…’

{more a zephyr} ‘You said no tricks.’

‘Yes, and you know what? I LIED. PWAHAHAHAHA.’

Meanwhile, on a mountain, far far away, Zeus is fiddling with the remote. ‘Aphrodite? How in bloody Hades do I change channels? It’s that stupid game show.’

‘What are you looking for, my little cherub?’

‘There’s a repeat of Grand Designs on Dave I thought I’d catch. Might get a couple of ideas.’