Sue Vincent’s #writephoto this week is

‘Hallloooo. Can I help?’

‘Oh Hi. I’m… Er, and you? You’re… Aren’t you a…? I was expecting…’

‘Pod’s the name, Madam. Arthur Pod. Caretaker.’

‘It’s Miss. And you look more like a sn…’

‘Please Miss. I’m sure you weren’t going to say a ‘snail’, were you?’

‘I… well… it’s…’

‘The shell? The antennae? The self-oiling carapace?’

‘Don’t you mean slime?’

‘Oh perlease. Slime indeed! Positively unplasmoidal. Many people think I’m a snail, but there’s a clue here, if you give it a moment.’

‘The talking?’

‘Precisely. Anyway, I’m used to it. Arthur Pod, Arthro Pod… it’s no biggy. Now, can I help?’

‘Barley. Pearl Barley. Miss. I’m…’

‘… the exorcist. Of course. Come with me. If you walk right behind and sort of slide it’ll be quicker.’

‘Mr Pod, can you tell me exactly what it is that’s causing the psychic disturbance?’

‘You’ll see. Just round the corner and… there!’

‘The stairs?’

‘Yep. A classic L’Apparition Escalier, with Jelloid Detailing.’

‘You know a lot about this, Mr Pod.’

‘Art, please. My cousin Gastro was trapped by a spasmotional escalator last year.’

‘Gastro Pod?’

‘Yes… so? You’re falling for that old Linnaeus Corruption, aren’t you? We Pods have been around for a lot longer than some sub-cretinous classification. Can you concentrate on stopping the bloody stairs wobbling?’

‘I’ll need a while to assess what’s causing the disturbance. Could you give me a few minutes… alone.’

‘Well, as Gastro told me when I informed him of this little contrafabulation.. tread carefully. Ha! Get it. Tread…’

‘I don’t suppose that’s a problem for you, Mr Pod.’

‘What? No, I suppose not…’

‘What’s upstairs, by the way?’

‘The nursery. Over run with little Pods and Lids right now.’

‘Really? Lovely. I’ll get back to you as soon as…’

‘Right you are.’

*

‘I’ve finished.’

‘And? Any clue what to do, Pearl?’

‘How long have you been here, Art?’

‘Took the gig a week ago. Mrs. Pod had just given birth and this place was available. Being refurbished for the upcoming Spook Season.’

‘Oh, I didn’t realise this was on the list.’

‘Well, it has only just got it’s enchantment rating, but it’s full of ghouls apparently. I was told they were very excited by the launch, but then this.’

‘Ok, I think I understand. Everything was going well and then you and all your little Pods moved in. After which chaos? Right?’

‘Don’t forget the Lids, my second cousins.  I’ll introduce you to the Annes after.’

‘Anne Lid?’

‘Yes, we’ve done this, haven’t we, Pearl? She’s a supermodel not a bloody worm, ok? That’s why she’s so super skinny.’

‘So this house is full of creatures – stay with me, Art – that resemble slugs, snails and worms?’

‘Similar characteristics, yes.’

‘And these creatures necessarily cover the place in their, erm, oozings?’

‘Oh get you, Miss High-and-Bloody-Mighty-May-I-Exfoliate-My-Body-Weight-In-Skin Know-all.’

‘I’m not trying to be rude…’

‘You’re doing a damn fine job by accident then…’

‘… but your presence has caused the ghouls to inveigle their way into the stairs.’

‘Why?’

‘They can’t ectoplasmate?’

‘Ecto… what?’

‘They can’t release their excretions. Their ectoplasm. Without the ability to ooze themselves they go bat shit banshee. In a way you’re lucky it was the stairs not the walls….’

‘So you’re telling me if we want to be able to access the upper floor…’

‘If you want to make sure the building itself doesn’t start to resemble a badly set tea party…’

‘… we need to.. what exactly?’

‘Treat Slime As Crime and Leave It Behin’…’

‘Did you really just rap, Miss Barley.’

‘Yes sorry. Won’t happen again.’