Apprenticed to my mother: memories of a season ticket


Dad commuted to work on a steam train; for me, a little boy with small knees and a big imagination that was more exciting than Christmas. How can I be sure of that? Is such unfounded confidence in a memory merely proof of the truth that it isn’t only computers that need regular defragging?

As I recall I was about seven. In our bedroom we had a chimney that was boarded up with a piece of hardboard, painted white and into which someone had drilled air-holes. I remember the draughts.

I was then and remain now very credulous. The Archaeologist was born a sceptic. ‘So this here Santa chappie,’ he muses, ‘is able to squeeze down this chimney and through the board, is he?’

Dad, who wanted everything festive to be fun – mum was too busy cooking to spend time on idle speculation – explained his theories. Mum let them debate for a while but, seeing my growing worries that Santa was about to disappear in a flurry of geometry, stopped them.

‘Measure it.’

‘Hmm?’ The two mooting males regarded her with the reverence she deserved.

‘Take the board off and measure it. Then you’ll have an idea of how small he needs to be.’

This was beyond exciting for two small boys. While dad collected enough tools to fabricate a scale model of the Queen Mary from matchsticks we went and positioned ourselves either side of the chimney breast. Dad arrived and with the first screwdriver dislodged the board. The Archaeologist and I peered at the never before exposed (in our lifetimes) grate. Lying on the concrete floor was a rectangle of bright pink cardboard. I’d never seen anything so pink. There were black letters and numbers on it, a sort of code.

‘Well, blow me.’ Dad picked it up and studied it carefully. ‘How did that get here?’

‘What is it?’ The Archaeologist displayed the fundamental curiosity that has made him both fascinating and a total pain these last 50 something years.

‘My season ticket. For the train. This one ran out over a year ago.’ Dad handed it to the senior subaltern (The Archaeologist) while other ranks (me) hopped from foot to foot trying to see this printed wonder. ‘I normally hand them in when I get the new one.’

Mum was consulted but no one could explain how this pink ticket had found its way to the long shut up fireplace. While I turned this wonder over in my fingers, trying and failing to decipher the codes, dad and the Archaeologist took a series of measurements and debated the volumetric challenges of a supersized fantasy figure squeezing down a small bedroom chimney.

I tried to imagine the way, much like the arrival of Mary Poppins, in which the card had been blown on the north wind and ended up waiting to be found. There had to be a message, but what?

Mum understood the mystery of this. She explained what the figures meant but also helped with some speculation of her own on its journey and arrival. I wonder what happened to the card; probably the Archaeologist purloined it: he’s collected most things all his life – his house is crammed with stuff. Me, I just needed the idea of the card, lying there, waiting, maybe expecting, to be discovered – it was my ticket to a world inside my head, a world of stories to be unfurled and retold.

As for the chimney, well Santa squeezed down after a couple of pints at the rugby club – he left us socks full of chocolate money and satsumas, Betta Bilda blocks (upmarket Lego) and plastic animals for the farm that formed an adjunct to our train set. We’d understand not to disturb Santa and Mrs Santa until after 7 while we played with our gifts. The Archaeologist probably mused on some anatomical faux pas in the design of the Okapi while I thought about the journey I might undertake, up that chimney with the freedom of the pink ticket. Maybe that’s what led me, inexorably a few years later, to this alter-ego..


Imagination can be, well, interesting.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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27 Responses to Apprenticed to my mother: memories of a season ticket

  1. Ritu says:

    Oh His Geoffleship what a pose you strike!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you a hobbit in that pic?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Phil Taylor says:

    Great story telling and I love the old photos.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nothing boring about your memories. Merry Christmas, Geoff and a super Happy New Year. 😀 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Erika Kind says:

    Haha… too funny! The walking Christmas tree!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. willowdot21 says:

    I am with Tess on this one!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Allie P. says:

    Seems the pass must have gotten stuck on the sole of Santa’s shoe in passing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. dgkaye says:

    Lol Geoff. Merry Christmas to you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What a wonderful memory Geoff, and a highly entertaining photo of you!! Very theatrical!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. And very Christmassy you look too, Geoff (even now). Merry Christmas to you and your family. Have a great one!


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