warning: this post contains a cake recipe that only strong minded people should view
There have been several post Bloggers Bash posts, all rather endearing and lovely and not so much as a critical comment, a hint at a fundamental malaise, a whiff of rot in the House of Black amongst any of them.
Do you believe you please all the people all of the time?
No, me neither so let’s correct that.
When we arrived the venue was locked, and people, including one one-armed, pregnant vertigo sufferer, had to shin up to the roof to get in. I ask you, how many mountaineering bloggers do you know?
There were forms to fill in, all very innocent you might think but amongst the smiles there were hidden disclaimers, secret waivers, double indemnities, and a cunning branding. And by branding I don’t mean that purple thingy above, I mean the sort done to cows’ bottoms. Everyone had their names embossed on their chests. Sure, there was a facile reason given by those portal guards at registration: ‘so you’ll know who you’re speaking to’. Like people can’t say: ‘Who are you?’ No, it was so they could be filmed and later named and shamed.
Yes, filmed! Don’t they know bloggers are shy introverts? There was this guy, not sure who but he looked a bit like a recently freed cave dweller, who went around extracting people’s souls with his hand held devil device. Here is his blog-o-porn video that will go straight to delete. See those fake smiles? That’s what’s left after his extraction. If you were there and you find you can’t say sorry anymore or you no longer cry at Lovely Actually, that’s what he’s done to you: he took your soul.
They took money for food and then served it while the prizes were awarded so they ate it themselves because no one else knew it was there. They said ‘bring change’ so my pockets bulged like I’d grown a third gonad and yet they had loads anyway. Trying to make me stand out, you see.
And they had awards. Yeah, nice huh? Well you ask the two prize winners given CPR at the end because they had to wait for so long for their categories to be announced. One, who shall remain nameless, was so overwhelmed by it all that she has had to be surgically removed from the ceiling where she jumped with the shock of it all.
But the worst? The icing on the cake? I use that cliché for a reason because there was cake and NO ICING. Not a hint, not a smear or a smidgen. There was even one cake that
HAD NOTHING IN IT
That’s right it was free of everything that makes a cake worthwhile, like sugar. I mean what’s the point of cake like that? The maker, a sinister chap who had been dyed by the authorities so he is easy to track with those new blueberry-sensitive fruit-vision goggles the police use – he’s the one on the left making these other poor souls chant ‘Cake, wonderful Cake’ – well apart from the one in the middle who has lost the power to swallow…
He stood over you while you tried a piece and insisted on praise. The implicit ‘or else’ hung in the air like a tendentious fart. Here he is, trying to get rid of the evidence
Everyone left with a bunch of ‘how wonderfuls’ and ‘so goods’ only what you don’t know is that, had they tried to say what they thought they would still be there, eating the rest of that cake.
Next year, they are doing this again.
10th June 2017
Just find an excuse; have you spleen painted, visit some local folly like Tony Blair’s honesty box but don’t go. I will. For you. To keep an eye out.
Remember we need to make sure they
Back Off Our Blogs
Your B.O.O.B Leader.
For those of you who want to avoid the risk of being cake-napped, here is the recipe
250 gms dried fruit (blueberries, cranberries, raisins, sultanas – you choose, I included some chopped nuts
250 gms ripe banana flesh
250 gms ground almond
(optional: 200 gms dark chocolate chips – I left these out but feel free)
4 small eggs (because I wanted this to be vegan friendly, I did this cake with more baking powder as the raising agent and a tblsp of rice vinegar (or apple – not a strong flavour anyway); it is nice and fluffy but if the vinegar is an issue then 2.5 tsp of baking powder should do it as well)
2 tblsp olive oil (I used coconut oil as it is lighter)
1 tblsp vanilla essence (1.5 if you use vinegar)
1 heaped tsp baking powder (1.5 if you are not using eggs and 2.5 if you skip the vinegar)
¾ tsp bicarbonate of soda
First of all, put the dried fruit in a small pan and just cover with boiling water. Simmer gently with the lid on for about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and leave it whilst you prepare the rest. Note: using smaller fruit helps hold the cake together – I have used cherries and dates, cooked and chopped but it loses some integrity.
Prepare a 10 x 10 inch brownie tin or similar by greasing and lining with baking paper.
Using a food processor, if you have one, blend the wet ingredients (inc bananas and eggs). Make sure the baking powder and bicarb is well mixed through the almonds and stir into the wet ingredients. Note: if going the vinegar route you want to process promptly as the combination of vinegar and baking powder is pretty instant so the sooner it is mixed and in the oven the better. Mix thoroughly then add the chocolate (if using) and the softened fruit. If you need more liquid to make the cake mix less sticky, then some of the left over water from the fruit boiling or some coconut milk.
Spread the mix into the brownie tin and bake at 180 C for about 30 mins. Check in the usual way with a skewer or cocktail stick until it comes out clean.
Leave to cool in the tin for ten mins before easing out of the tin and putting on a rack.