So there I was, ticking boxes, making cake #bloggersbash #adminflunkey #boobview

warning: this post contains a cake recipe that only strong minded people should view

abba-2016

There have been several post Bloggers Bash posts, all rather endearing and lovely and not so much as a critical comment, a hint at a fundamental malaise, a whiff of rot in the House of Black amongst any of them.

Do you believe you please all the people all of the time?

No, me neither so let’s correct that.

When we arrived the venue was locked, and people, including one one-armed, pregnant vertigo sufferer, had to shin up to the roof to get in. I ask you, how many mountaineering bloggers do you know?

There were forms to fill in, all very innocent you might think but amongst the smiles there were hidden disclaimers, secret waivers, double indemnities, and a cunning branding. And by branding I don’t mean that purple thingy above, I mean the sort done to cows’ bottoms. Everyone had their names embossed on their chests. Sure, there was a facile reason given by those portal guards at registration: ‘so you’ll know who you’re speaking to’. Like people can’t say: ‘Who are you?’ No, it was so they could be filmed and  later named and shamed.

Yes, filmed! Don’t they know bloggers are shy introverts? There was this guy, not sure who but he looked a bit like a recently freed cave dweller, who went around extracting people’s souls with his hand held devil device. Here is his blog-o-porn video that will go straight to delete. See those fake smiles? That’s what’s left after his extraction. If you were there and you find you can’t say sorry anymore or you no longer cry at Lovely Actually, that’s what he’s done to you: he took your soul.

They took money for food and then served it while the prizes were awarded so they ate it themselves because no one else knew it was there. They said ‘bring change’ so my pockets bulged like I’d grown a  third gonad and yet they had loads anyway. Trying to make me stand out, you see.

And they had awards. Yeah, nice huh? Well you ask the two prize winners given CPR at the end because they had to wait for so long for their categories to be announced. One, who shall remain nameless, was so overwhelmed by it all that she has had to be surgically removed from the ceiling where she jumped with the shock of it all.

But the worst? The icing on the cake? I use that cliché for a reason because there was cake and NO ICING. Not a hint, not a smear or a smidgen. There was even one cake that

HAD NOTHING IN IT

That’s right it was free of everything that makes a cake worthwhile, like sugar. I mean what’s the point of cake like that? The maker, a sinister chap who had been dyed by the authorities so he is easy to track with those new blueberry-sensitive fruit-vision goggles the police use – he’s the one on the left making these other poor souls chant ‘Cake, wonderful Cake’ – well apart from the one in the middle who has lost the power to swallow…

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He stood over you while you tried a piece and insisted on praise. The implicit ‘or else’ hung in the air like a tendentious fart. Here he is, trying to get rid of the evidence

image

Everyone left with a bunch of ‘how wonderfuls’ and ‘so goods’ only what you don’t know is that, had they tried to say what they thought they would still be there, eating the rest of that cake.

Next year, they are doing this again.

10th June 2017

Just find an excuse; have you spleen painted, visit some local folly like Tony Blair’s honesty box but don’t go. I will. For you. To keep an eye out.

Remember we need to make sure they

Back Off Our Blogs

Your B.O.O.B Leader.

For those of you who want to avoid the risk of being cake-napped, here is the recipe

2016-06-14 15.47.57

Ingredients

250 gms dried fruit (blueberries, cranberries, raisins, sultanas – you choose, I included some chopped nuts

250 gms ripe banana flesh

250 gms ground almond

(optional: 200 gms dark chocolate chips – I left these out but feel free)

4 small eggs (because I wanted this to be vegan friendly, I did this cake with more baking powder as the raising agent and a tblsp of rice vinegar (or apple – not a strong flavour anyway); it is nice and fluffy but if the vinegar is an issue then 2.5 tsp of baking powder should do it as well)

2 tblsp olive oil (I used coconut oil as it is lighter)

1 tblsp vanilla essence (1.5 if you use vinegar)

1 heaped tsp baking powder (1.5 if you are not using eggs and 2.5 if you skip the vinegar)

¾ tsp bicarbonate of soda

Method

First of all, put the dried fruit in a small pan and just cover with boiling water. Simmer gently with the lid on for about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and leave it whilst you prepare the rest. Note: using smaller fruit helps hold the cake together – I have used cherries and dates, cooked and chopped but it loses some integrity.

Prepare a 10 x 10 inch brownie tin or similar by greasing and lining with baking paper.

Using a food processor, if you have one, blend the wet ingredients (inc bananas and eggs). Make sure the baking powder and bicarb is well mixed through the almonds and stir into the wet ingredients. Note: if going the vinegar route you want to process promptly as the combination of vinegar and baking powder is pretty instant so the sooner it is mixed and in the oven the better. Mix thoroughly then add the chocolate (if using) and the softened fruit. If you need more liquid to make the cake mix less sticky, then some of the left over water from the  fruit boiling or some coconut milk.

Spread the mix into the brownie tin and bake at 180 C for about 30 mins. Check in the usual way with a skewer or cocktail stick until it comes out clean.

Leave to cool in the tin for ten mins before easing out of the tin and putting on a rack.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in Annual Bloggers' Bash, cake and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to So there I was, ticking boxes, making cake #bloggersbash #adminflunkey #boobview

  1. Norah says:

    I heard about your cake. Seems one person in particular ate, and ate, and ate, until unable to eat any more. Sounds like a great event, Geoff. I’m sure you added much to the entertainment.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ula says:

    It was such a delicious cake. I also enjoyed some on the way to the airport and kicked myself for not taking more.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh woe is me… I thought surely I could eat a “cake with nothing in it”… yet I’m allergic. Eggs. Sigh.
    Thanks Geoff — this is such a fun post. Loved Hugh’s video. Have a thriving Thursday. Mega hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hugh the cave dweller stealing souls…such an image. ☺ I loved the video, the joy came through loud and clear…like your beard color.

    Thanks for all you folks did to make this happen, and many thanks for sharing a bit of the day with those of us who were only there in spirit. ❤️ 💛 💙 💜 Van

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    WARNING – This post contains Geoff’s Special Cake Recipe as advertised in Various Bloggers Bash Reports 😱🙀

    Liked by 2 people

  6. noelleg44 says:

    Oooh, Geof,the cake looks delicious and disgustingly healthy! You must have used some of the blueberries to dye your beard. Hopefully not the ones in the cake…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Allie P. says:

    I hear that Ms. Black has tie-ins to local government. She likely thrives off paperwork and asked them to send the committee a stack three times higher than it needs to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well, that’s telling it straight from the shoulder. Personally, I like the look of that cake. You can keep your Black Forest gateaux and cream-stuffed eclairs etc.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. livingincyn says:

    Thank you for that recipe. Banana flesh makes everything better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thanks for a great event 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Autism Mom says:

    Oh I have been waiting for another cake recipe! I will revel in that and not in my great sadness at the 6,000 miles that separates me from the Bloggers Bashes …

    Liked by 1 person

  12. esthernewton says:

    Yum! ALL the cakes were delicious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Erika Kind says:

    Hahaha!!! Geoff you are awesome!!!! So funny! You all did great with all the soul taking…. it doesn’t matter because you guys are having our hearts anyway! And the cakes (all of them) were delicious – with or without content…. lol!

    Like

  14. Ritu says:

    What can I say…
    Loved the event
    Loved the cake
    Loved the event
    Loved the meeting of minds
    Loved the event
    Loved YOU Geoffles! !!!
    Til next year eh!!!!!!! 😊😊😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Did you know that BOOB has hijacked your blog, Geoffle? They even claim to have made that cake, the one with nothing in it, so it was invisible to the naked eye apart from those who write 20,000 words a day.
    Right, back off to my cave. I’m having it carpeted and painted pillar box red.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. This cake romanced me in so many ways. It played with my emotions and gut! Will pass recipe onto daughter who can bake and ask her to make it for me!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Somehow i missed this cake.. I had the other one which was probably the heavily laden calorie one! Anyways thanks for the recipe Geoff, I love anything with bananas and I was amused by the ingredients stipulating ripe banana flesh.. what else could it be? Banana skin? Banana stringy bits?Now I’m hungry..!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sounds it was an amazing time. The cake looks fabulous thought I don’t partake of sweets myself. Enjoyed the video too. Sherri looks wonderful and thank YOU, Lucy. ❤ ❤ Such a treat to hear the bloggers we've come to meet online.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Aquileana says:

    So there were hidden reasons behind the labels.. Mr Hugh is a Strategist, for sure, and that does not mean I am not sure of his noble purposes 🙂 Proof of that is the fact that he made you look taller on camera…. 😼
    Cake with nothing on it… well, kind of… I guess the old adage `Less is More´ could be useful here, at least I say so after reading the positive comments above…
    Thanks for sharing… best wishes. Aquileana
    PS… Who is boob? … are we talking about your wicked doppelgänger ? Sorry, that´s new to me

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Ali Isaac says:

    The cake was fab, and your post hilarious! But I can’t believe that pesky BOOK managed to infiltrate the event again this year! I registered them all… I wonder which one he was, or did he manage to sneak past when I was busily engaged stuffing down said cake??? Oh and for me, the addition of the nuts was a genius twist! 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Judy Martin says:

    The cake was yummy indeed, and I might actually have a go at making it myself! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Mary Smith says:

    That was very good, delicious cake – I didn’t realise it was healthy as well.
    It was a fantastic day and I’ll be blogging about it this weekend – and it will be a post without any critical comment.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. A healthy cake. Hmm. I’m not sure I’d trust a healthy cake especially from a post I don’t particularly trust. I don’t know who to trust anymore! As for the soul-stealing… Well, everyone knows bloggers are shy introverts so that is just wrong. I’ve seen the evidence of that filming. So perhaps it’s best to trust the BOOB leader.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Jools says:

    Love the post, Geoff. But the cake… the cake was EPIC! I will report back as soon as I bake up a batch for myself. Well, not exactly all for myself – to share, of course, to share. Of course. Right?

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Jools says:

    Reblogged this on Julie Lawford and commented:
    One last and final #BloggersBash reblog – a great post from Geoff Le Pard. But be warned, this post contains his epic recipe for a ‘no-added-sugar’… CAKE! This one is a real winner. I will bake, and blog it! Read this post at your peril.

    Like

  26. I have always believed that one should keep a wary eye on one’s enemies, so I have corralled your recipe in a locked file and am hoping I can brainwash myself into forgetting where I put the key. If anybody finds me wandering, babbling wildly, and covered in blueberry juice, you’ll know what happened.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Pingback: So there I was, ticking boxes, making cake #bloggersbash #adminflunkey #boobview | The Dragon's Lair

  28. Lovely! Thanks so much for the recipe! I had hoped you would ship overseas! LOL! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Sherri says:

    How come I didn’t have any of this cake? I did try the lemon one though..yum! Despite the sinister goings-on behind the scenes (and some up front) a few seem keen on repeating the entire experience next year..strange that 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  30. willowdot21 says:

    It was a wonderful day…. next year I intend to eat cake too, as well as meet more bloggers………… not with a mouth full of cake though as that would be rude!

    Liked by 1 person

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