In these days of the Perfect Body and with Beauty Tips everywhere and all sorts of nobodies vlogging on their own Youtube channels about make up and appearance and what have you (Zoella, Tricia Cusden, Melissa55 – yes, I’m that cool that I know this stuff) we bloggers need to think about our appearance at the Bash this Saturday. Hugh has posted, here, on what to bring so I thought you might welcome some guidance on a rigorous pre Bash regime to ensure your ABB is tip top and pipping!!
So, my 6 tips for the perfect ABB are:
- The Crunchie: a Crunchie, or any similarly branded chocolate bar is essential at the Bash to keep the Committee sugar high throughout the day. If at any stage Sacha says ‘we need a poll for that’ feed her chocolate. Ritu, here, is on the case.
- The Sit Up: this is the position to be adopted by all nominees attending. The votes will be in but sitting up and begging to the Committee might just swing it – that and chocolate (see 1)
- Focusing on your Cor: to maximise your impact at the ABB, you need to SELL yourself, so, when describing your top five posts, you should aim for at least fifteen CORs! per post (with repititions) as well as a few WOWs! and HOW JOLLY INTERESTINGs
- Back extensions: while some Bashes recommend these we find excessive back stories can put people off; if you want examples of anecdotes that should have been strangled at birth, find The Geoffle and ask him about the time he was sacked from bench monitor at his primary school
- The Buttock Squeeze: I’m not really sure how this one slipped in. Hugh, have you been hacking me again?
- The Plank: see 4; lying flat on the floor and groaning is the recommended position to adopt if ever you do find yourself listening to a Geoffle anecdote. This picture shows what happened to one poor soul when he asked the smooth skinned frowning Geoffle to explain his theories on the proper use of the Oxford comma in a competitive situation
We suggest your practice with some of Geoffle poetry, but do set the alarm at full volume because you will be rendered comatose and you mustn’t be late – see 1 re Sacha, Polls and chocolate.
Next week we will concentrate on how the grow the perfect Bash toupee in your window box and have an interview with the winner of the ABB Bingo award for the person who uses the words BASH, BLOGGING, EXCITED, CHOCOLATE and CURMUDGEON the most. Note: the Committee have insisted that only the use of these key words during the official Bash hours of 2pm to 5pm will be counted after excessive pre Bash gabbling by certain attendees last year.
See you all on Saturday and be ready to share with us your Rippling Yarns…
And here’s a picture of a rare turkey necked yellow Geoffle after he asked himself a question…