Warning: Title in Progress, story in danger of collapse #writephoto #shortstory #utterdrivel

sue vincent isolated

Betwixt a wood and a hill

After his wife ran off with the man who emptied the cesspit (‘he has more depth than you’), Morris Charming remained in their large decrepit house on the edge of Nowhere. His only companions were a gerbil called Wacko and his son, named Prince after Morris’ favourite musician. Prince was home schooled and told, approximately every twenty minutes that ‘you are the cleverest, most empathetic, handsomest being in the universe’.

If you looked due south from the Charming’s front door, across the Trough of Despond you would see, nestled in the Woods of Doom, a small, shabby woodsman hut in which Mrs Ella lived with her Son, Umbro, Eldest daughter Gorr and much adored and sexually ambiguous third child Cindy. They had been housed in this mean dwelling by social services who decided that Nowhere was good enough for the Ellas and this was the only place available in Nowhere.

On cool evenings Cindy would look north dreaming of a career in exotic needlepoint while Prince would look south, imagining how good it would be if someone put up a huge mirror so he could view his magnificence.

All was peaceful until the day Morris heard Prince (the musician, that is – this story wouldn’t work if it was his son who’d snuffed it) had died. He was bereft and called Prince (his son – oh, you can work it out) ‘Ugly’ and ‘Stupid’. As Morris dragged his Bang and Sigmundson Hi Woofer Music Extravaganza outside and let the world have a 400 Db version of Purple Rain, Prince packed his face polish, his best scarf and hand mirror and set out, across the Trough of Despond to seek his fortune and some decent wrinkle cream.

As Prince staggered up the far side and onto the Ella’s front step the family emerged for the nightly ritual of ‘beating the cactus’. Prince, stunned by the spectacle of a soundly spanked succulent and shocked that these people didn’t swoon at his beauty fell to his knees. Behind him the swelling sound reached a tipping point such that the clouds which had been gathering all day were rent apart revealing a dazzling sunset the likes of which no one had seen since the previous Thursday, just after Emmerdale ended.

‘Tea cake?’ said Cindy.

‘Charmed,’ said Prince. ‘Do you think I should get my molars filed?’

Cindy agreed that was a good idea, if he wanted to masticate easily, Mrs Ella cried now that her beloved, if gender uncertain child was betrothed and the noise of her sobs was such that Morris turned off the stereo and went indoors to iron his best suit. Everyone lived pretty much as they had done before, apart from the gerbil who decided, finally to out himself as a hamster.

Note: the gerbil was included to comply with the Fairy Tale, small rodent quota, rules 2016, subsection b(ii) and the absence of dialogue ascribed to Umbro and Gorr falls within the Fairy Tales, trying for a cheap laugh, exception 2012, clause 31(d)(iv).

This story was written under the influence of strong tea, and Sue Vincent’s latest #writephoto prompt.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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26 Responses to Warning: Title in Progress, story in danger of collapse #writephoto #shortstory #utterdrivel

  1. Al Lane says:

    That’s some strong tea… delightfully bonkers!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Back away from that tea, Geoff. Or not…strange but wonderful read. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

  3. M. L. Kappa says:

    I do admit this eccentric narrative momentarily took my mind off the latest round of taxes imposed on us by the magnificent Mr. Tsipras. I thank you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ritu says:

    Lol! Love this!

    Like

  5. Brilliant in its ridiculousness. Was this green tea by any chance? (you know what they say about green and grass) A refill I think. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. willowdot21 says:

    Okay I am totally confused now! My brain hurts !!!!!😃😂😉😞😭😭😠😞

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LOL. Geoff… thank you for a delightful lunch break. You succeeded where most fail — and got my mind completely off the woes of the toxic workplace. At least for that brief shining moment. 😀
    Mega hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jan says:

    What was in that tea? I’m glad the gerbil came clean!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Fantasy does as fantasy wants. Most entertaining. 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mick Canning says:

    It that’s what tea does to you Geoff, I think it’s as well that you don’t touch alcohol.

    Like

  11. I’ve no idea what I’ve just read, but it was brilliant! I loved that you mentioned Emmerdale, but ‘beating the cactus?’ 🤔 More tea, Vicar?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Photo prompt round up – Isolated – #writephoto | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo

  13. KL Caley says:

    Haha! This was a great read Geoff, a bit like John Connolly’s Samuel Johnson stories, delightfully mad and addictive all at the same time. KL ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  14. macjam47 says:

    Haha! A very entertaining piece.

    Liked by 1 person

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