Are we there yet? #BloggersBash – directions

2015-07-09 16.58.39

Do not start from here; you are one year late

It’s a funny old world, this. We promised a directions’ post for all those coming to the Bash 2016 and this is it. But, frankly, if anyone can’t find the venue then they probably don’t know how to find their toes. It is really THAT easy. Here’s the link.

And here’s the address

2-4 Wharfdale Road
Kings Cross, London
N1 9RY

And here’s a Google Earth view

driver

In summary:

  1. Go to King’s Cross station
  2. Exit onto Kings Cross square at the front
  3. Turn left, cross York Way
  4. Turn left on the Caledonian Road
  5. Walk ahead 4 minutes or so until you reach the Driver. You are there.

For those who need a bit of a steer, though, then this post is a must for you.

Right, first things first. It is in London. That’s LONDON, England, Ok?  If you imagine a map of Britain, minus Ireland, it looks a bit like this

map-of-united-kingdom-with-high-details

Like an old man kneeling as he coughs up his dinner. Ok, so allow your eye to be drawn to the bit that looks like his rather Kardashian arse. Then follow to where he’s resting said ponderous posterior on his heels – I’ve drawn a cross for you, here-

map-of-united-kingdom-with london

And bingo! As I said, alimentary, Dr Watson. London.

Right so you’ve arrived by plane/train/bus/car/sedan chair/floo powder in this city of a thousand scams. Wherever you are, you need to descend into the Stygian depths of our metro system. Look out for these helpful signs

street art

Sorry, wrong one. This one.

2016-01-14 16.39.21

Note, people, these show you where you go into the Underground. That’s what we call our metro. Because it is underground. Unless you join the Underground where it is above ground, which is still the Underground, but with daylight. See, I told you it was easy. Here’s a musical interlude. Play it as loud as you dare.

There are lots of entrances. With steps. Downwards. They have signs. I’ve said that, haven’t I? They don’t all come in chocolate with icing so avoid trying to eat them even if you need a sugar boost.

On the walls there are maps that look like circuit diagrams that Ikea have rejected as too abstruse. They are covered in lines. And the place where the most lines meet is, tada!!

Kings Cross

tube_map

Can you spot it? Yay! And that’s where you want to go. There are dark blue and light blue and black and burgundy and yellow and orange lines for you to choose from to get there.

You may see this.

2016-04-20 11.49.51

Don’t be put off; in London all genitalia is sponsored by a famous brand: Willy Budweiser; Dick McDonalds; Fanny Ford. I know this one says it’s being held for some reason. All we ask is: don’t judge.

By the way, you have to use at least three of these lines before you leave the Underground/Metro/Tube or you will be taken back to the start. That’s just the way it is. And if you go past Mornington Crescent then you gain bonus points.

Ok, ok, I know if you actually look at the map you will see it says

Kings Cross St Pancras

 That’s because the two stations are linked. This one

2015-07-08 09.59.28

Which you don’t want. And this

2016-04-20 12.43.16

Which you do. It’s like twinning only they are both in England. Though St Pancras was Italian so I suppose that counts as twinning. And the King in Kings Cross was a German, albeit before there was a Germany. I think I’m getting a headache.

2015-07-08 09.53.26

Ignore it. I know it’s tempting but it’s just so WRONG

That’s why you want the Kings Cross bit, ok? Not St Pancras. You’ll be eaten by large snotty monsters or dissolve in the tears of 1000 small worples if you enter St Pancras station on June 11th. It’s the Feast of Kevin the Bewildered and it is only true believers or those with 150 points on their Aldi loyalty card who will survive.

So we will make an assumption. We will assume you are emerging from the Tube – that’s what we call the Underground, because it runs in tubes except where it doesn’t… Oh stop it. It will look like this.

2016-04-20 12.02.04

Thing is, guys, there are a lot of exits and you could emerge anywhere, frankly. Here perhaps. This is also Kings Cross.

2016-04-20 12.02.32

The good thing is, this is a railway station. It has platforms and trains and stuff. 12 platforms – they have platform 0, oddly, so the highest number is 11. There is no platform 9¾. Sorry. It’s a trolley in a wall and you’ll have to wait with a Sweaty Betty from Barking or a grumphant-plig from the south side of Basingstoke if you want a piccy. Up to you. You could be hours and still have 57 South Koreans on a round the world giggle-a-thon in the picture.

So head for the platforms 0-8 and stand with your back to them. Breathe. You are about to leave the building – Elvis has already gone. A while back. With chocolate. When you do, this is what you are leaving behind.

2016-04-29 16.00.14-1

This is the nearest to fresh air that you’ll get, here on the Euston Road; indeed given the number of people coming to the Bash, probably all day.

2016-04-29 15.59.52-1

Once outside you are on King’s Cross Square. Like the Underground that goes over ground, the square isn’t a square. It’s a rhombolic-trapeziodal-dodecahedron or something. Anyway, the sort of shape that if translated into toilet seats would create a personalised concreting crisis.

See if you can spot this.

2016-04-20 12.01.37

No real reason, just to see if you are alert.

Anyhoo, you go left. LEFT. Not right. Or wrong. Or sinister. Just whatever’s left.

LEFT

2016-04-29 16.00.37-1

Don’t worry about the shadow. He’s nice. Just don’t feed him. You will reach a road. York Way. You don’t want it. It’s fine, as unnecessary roads go. Your google maps – yawn – may say take it but I don’t want you to, so don’t. Cross it. Safely. With a squirrel or a man with green crosses. And walk on. Quickly. Confidently. It is your city. Enjoy it. Embrace it. The city, not the people. That will be misconstrued. And you’ll be unlikely to end with this chap. Hugh has shotgunned him already, as you can see.

Go on until you reach the next junction. It’s the Caledonian Road. Pause. Think left again.

LEFT

2016-04-29 16.02.30-1

And, well, go left. Slowly. Describe a curve, using words of one syllable that originated with the Vikings.

2016-04-29 16.02.40

The road you want is called the Caledonian Road. I’m repeating myself. Walk ahead. It’s less than attractive, frankly. It’s basically the main road to Caledonia and, well, careworn.

2016-04-29 16.03.46

Don’t dawdle. Motor. Heel-toe-heel-toe: repeat. For the next 3 minutes 27 seconds. Maybe longer if the clowns are gathering. It’s a Thing. Ignore it. Do Not Feed The Clowns.

2016-04-29 16.06.15

When I checked out the destination – yes, there is an end to this – it was covered in scaffolding. Hiding the name. Deliberately. To see if you are awake, I suppose.

The Driver. Bet you wish you had a driver, eh? They could take all the pressure off you and me both. It looked like this. It may not on 11th June. The building will be there though.  Unless the scaffolding was holding it up.

If you are in doubt about your whereabouts and you are:

(a) a woman, you can ask directions; or

(b) a man, you can keep staring at your phone and hope someone recognises you from your about page and drags you inside.

Here’s me describing what this crossroads looks like, looking back the way you’ve just come.

I realise this is less than useless for a directions’ post as it means you’ll be there if you recognise it whereas if you aren’t there it will make about as much sense as I do. That didn’t occur to me at the time I filmed it. Best of luck. Here are some views of the venue.

I’m off to book a cab.

Oh Sacha is a bit of a stickler for polls – you may have noticed – so she’s asked if you’d rate this aide-memoir; my bonus sort of depends on it so if you could…

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in Annual Bloggers' Bash, miscellany and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to Are we there yet? #BloggersBash – directions

  1. I hope the man giving the hugs is allowed in. 😀 If not, there could be trouble. 😡

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Ali Isaac says:

    Brilliant! I am completely lost already! Id rather traverse a mountain than a city, especially London. Scary stuff. But it’s ok, I’ll be arriving with you. I’m assuming you’re not lost?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m sorry, Geoff. Could you just run through that again?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on graemecummingdotnet and commented:
    You may want to read this very slowly. I know that’s how Geoff wrote it…

    Like

  5. Norah says:

    I’m so grateful I didn’t ask you for directions for our meet-up in London, and I’m so thankful I don’t have to try to follow these. I’d be totally bamboozled. I didn’t join in the poll. I didn’t think it fair if I’m not going to be there!
    Have a great day. If anyone finds their way to the venue you’ll have much to talk about!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If I get lost now I know who to blame…. that shadow! He’s bound to be trouble!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ritu says:

    Thank you Geoffles@!!

    Like

  8. Sacha Black says:

    I genuinely snorted coffee through my nose reading this. Your usefulness is beyond me as is the clarity in which you speak and write. A marvel of a
    Scout you are!😋😂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    If you get lost then you’ve not read this post! 😀

    Like

  10. Eeeeeeeke. Glad I’m not the one lost there, because I’m certainly lost from here. 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Next year I’ll do the transcontinental version for you Tess including the little used CrossArtic tunnel that leaves from Fort Nelson and emerges in a full sized body mitten in Stavanga in Norway.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. AJ.Dixon says:

    This gave me a giggle! 😄 Exciting stuff! Looking forward to meeting everybody.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Rosie Amber says:

    Fab! Heading in from rural Hampshire, not a huge fan of the city, I can also claim to be the ??? who lives south of Basingstoke and is intending having a piccy at platform 9¾. See you all there.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    For those of you going to the Annual Bloggers Bash this year in London then put away your Sat Nav.. Geoff Le Pard is providing a step by step guide for you whether you are arriving by plane, boat or train… enjoy the post as much as the journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. trifflepudling says:

    Great fun! Hope you all have a good time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Judy Martin says:

    Thank Good I am meeting Ritu at St Pancras (that is where my train stops so I hope the snot nosed dragon isn’t hungry)! Hopefully she will understand directions, as I don’t speak it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Annika Perry says:

    I’m confused…could you go through it all again…😀😄 Seriously funny and it must have taken ages to put together. Oh, I liked the skewered poll at the end – I have a feeling the questions on the 23rd will be something similar!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Mary Smith says:

    Oh good grief, I was beginning to think I might find the place before I read this! Besides, I’ll be arriving at Euston.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Helen Jones says:

    Very useful indeed, Geoff! So, what about if you’re arriving from Euston… Just kidding! I’m sure I’ll find my way just fine 🙂 Looking forward to it.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. willowdot21 says:

    I see most of us who voted have tried to win you bonus points in the expectation that you will be out combing the streets for any poor lost souls !! Can’t wait to meet you all. Great post, great directions Geoff!! 😂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  20. jan says:

    Haha! Sorry I won’t be there – will you be video taping the fun (err, serious literary discussions).

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Sherri says:

    LOL! You crack me up Geoff! Looking forward to seeing you et al a week tomorrow…and this time I’ll be on time… I’m quite familiar with the tube to Cockfosters now 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Mick Canning says:

    That was useful.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I needed this post! Thx

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Reblogged this on writerchristophfischer and commented:
    Less than a week to go before I join other bloggers for this bash and award ceremony. Remember to vote for your favourite blog here https://sachablack.co.uk/2016/05/19/vote-now-annual-bloggers-bash-awards-now-open/
    I’m nominated for Best Book Reviews btw 😉

    Like

  25. 😀 Those are the best directions ever, Geoff. My GPS should do half as well. (Once it took me to the same federal parking lot in DC so many times I feared getting arrested, with tons of guns, badges and the associated drama.)
    Have a fabulous time at the bash. Good luck!!! Mega hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Pingback: Annual Bloggers Bash Awards – My Take | But I Smile Anyway...

  27. Pingback: 10 Essential Items You Should Bring With You To The Annual Bloggers Bash – Hugh's Views & News

  28. Reblogged this on K Y R O S M A G I C A and commented:
    Do not despair there is no way you will get lost, Geoff has it all covered with these detailed directions no one will/will not make it to the Bloggers Bash… not even people like me with every/no sense of direction can/cannot possibly find/miss it!

    Like

  29. I wanna come but sadly I live across the pond and travels are not in my immediate future! 😦
    Is there a blogger bash in the states? If not, how do we expand this thing so there is!! LOVE THIS IDEA!!

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Ruth says:

    Superb directions – now watch me get completely lost, even though I already live here! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

If you would like to reply please do so here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s