‘And this,’ he threw open the double doors, ‘is how we’ve turned the small sitting room into a place of space, of relaxation, of infinite wonder.’
I could hear John’s teeth grinding. To stop the sarcasm ratching up to something fissile, I said, ‘It’s a glade, right?’
Jolyon’s eyes didn’t so much roll as summersault. ‘A glade?! It’s nature’s balm, a place where your soul can regenerate. It owes more to the divine than something as plebian as a glade.’
John had sat on a bank. ‘Is this real moss? Indoors? Geez, the damp will rot the effing flooring.’
Jolyon simpered. ‘Darling, it’s the latest in genetically modified Italian sphagnum, infused with a pixilation of Uzbeck yak’s milk and…’
‘Thought so. What’s next? What about a bog? Or doesn’t your idea of interior design run to something as mundane as a bog? No, I suppose we have our own Arthurian midden.’
I looked desperately at Jolyon whose expression had changed in an instant. ‘He doesn’t mean it, Jolyon. It’s a bit overwhelming.’
Jolyon brushed past. ‘No darling, I understand philistines.’ He caught up with John who was inspecting the front door with a degree of concern as the very lifelike serpents spat from where they had coiled around the side columns. ‘They hiss when someone arrives. It’s more energizing. Now, the ablutoir! Our piece de resistance.’
John waited for me. ‘Let me guess. A waterfall shower.’
Jolyon pushed back the doors. ‘Ha! Trite. Pastiche.’ He stood to one side. Where, before, there had been a simple bath in scratched avocado with an over shower there now throbbed a monstrous roaring vortex. Jolyon bellowed over the cacophony. ‘Try it! It’s 90 per cent holy water and 10 per cent alpaca spittle which has been shown to regenerate…’
‘What in God’s name are they?’ John pointed at two demented creatures on the edges of the water snatching and grabbing at us.
Jolyon began to hover with his quivering excitement. ‘Our ultimate. No more do you need to scrub and rub as we have installed your very own Scylla and Charybdis to do it for you!’
I looked at John who was on the verge of rupturing something in the cardiac region. ‘Maybe we will go to Ikea after all.’
This is in response to Sue Vincent’s latest prompt for #writephoto
Oh could you imagine!!!!
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Be great to have lichen instead of wallpaper. I’d nevr have to decorate
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Oh decorating… The bane of my life!!!!
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When I reach the age where I genuinely no longer care will be blissful though it’s also the moment when I’ll have stopped noticing!
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Lol!I notice but don’t get the time to do anything! !!
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Yikes. I’m out of there! Ha ha. Interesting fodder for story, though. 😀
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Never trust an artist!
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Ha ha. I would never allow anyone to decorate for me. Yikes. 😦
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definitely; don’t trust interior designers and the latest fad!
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Ugh.Watched make-overs on T.V. One blued peacock (?) feathers over the bed. Another glued feathers on a chandelier. How do you dust them and keep them fresh and clean. What about the glue. Yikes.
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There are people weirder than me!
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Inspired!! “………….it’s the latest in genetically modified Italian sphagnum, infused with a pixilation of Uzbeck yak’s milk” 🙂
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Funny story, but a magnificent image!
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Glad you enjoyed
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Thank you 🙂
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Sorry, Sue. I didn’t read the small print, and have been too disconnected from blogging to be aware the image was yours.
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No worries, Juli.
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More outside-in isn’t it? So imaginative. Thanks Geoff. I needed that smile. 🙂
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Jolly good. Glad you emjoyed
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You’ll never get your own property show on Channel 4 with that attitude. On the positive side, you’re going to be making an absolute killing in trading alpaca spittle quite soon, so I’m sure you won’t care too much.
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I hear the ruminant phlegm market is quite bullish generally so thanks for the tip. And Channel 4 have turned me down once to often frankly. I’m more your straight to Dave sort of guy.
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Mad as a hatter…:) Thanks, Geoff 🙂
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Most excellent compliment!!
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😀
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What Sue said…. Loving it. Alpaca spittle ?????
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Doesn’t everyone have that in their organic vegetable deliveries?
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Pingback: Inside Out by Geoff Le Pard #writephoto #shortstory | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo
I’m laughing so hard I might hurt something. This is hilarious.
We are just starting work on our own fixer-upper so I’m taking careful notes. (Wonder who they used for a contractor…)
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V kind Barb. I look forward to your plans. As for the contractor, I believe they are usually found at the Chelsea flower show
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Wow, what a crazy imagination you have Geoff! I think I would rather go to Ikea too though! 🙂
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Oh not. I’d rather knit my own wardrobe than that
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HAHA! Silly bugger 🙂
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Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
As we consider our renovation options for our new home in the coming weeks and months it is always useful to browse other people’s designs.. Geoff Le Pard offers a very interesting interior makeover!
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Pingback: Photo prompt round up– The Glade… #writephoto | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo
You made my mind up for me… a new bathroom it is. You can keep the door bell it isn’t quite my thing, we all have different decor ideas. Ikea is far more frightening than an Alpaca spittled spa. Loved your whacky take on Sue’s. Photo prompt. 😇
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I do think alpaca spittle is underused generally, especially as a Pilates lubricant
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like wrestling in axle grease. Haaha!
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Ha yes
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Oh, brilliant. Changing Rooms gone slightly over the top 🙂
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Thanks Mary. TV makeovers are just so last century don’t you think?
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And no need for closets, with all of those coat trees.
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That’s true. And the hydroponic carpet is just so now.
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Actually, I’d probably buy it if I weren’t sure the dogs would trash it. And that the furniture would fit 🙂
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Dogs might make a bit free with the outside ambience but having a avian alarm by your bed would be cool
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I do enjoy your sense of humour, Geoff 😀
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Did you think is was tad ott?
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Not at all! Sounded quite true to life, really 😀
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You have a weird mind, Geoffle, anyone ever tell you that before?
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Me weird? Nope. everyone here thinks I’m a bit staid
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Ha! I’ve seen nothing that would make me think you’re staid. Great story, even though a bit on the weird side.
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Well, that was refreshing. Nice writing, and humor. 🙂
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Thank you so much
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