Inside Out #writephoto #shortstory

dancing-trees sue v

‘And this,’ he threw open the double doors, ‘is how we’ve turned the small sitting room into a place of space, of relaxation, of infinite wonder.’

I could hear John’s teeth grinding. To stop the sarcasm ratching up to something fissile, I said, ‘It’s a glade, right?’

Jolyon’s eyes didn’t so much roll as summersault. ‘A glade?! It’s nature’s balm, a place where your soul can regenerate. It owes more to the divine than something as plebian as a glade.’

John had sat on a bank. ‘Is this real moss? Indoors? Geez, the damp will rot the effing flooring.’

Jolyon simpered. ‘Darling, it’s the latest in genetically modified Italian sphagnum, infused with a pixilation of Uzbeck yak’s milk and…’

‘Thought so. What’s next? What about a bog? Or doesn’t your idea of interior design run to something as mundane as a bog? No, I suppose we have our own Arthurian midden.’

I looked desperately at Jolyon whose expression had changed in an instant. ‘He doesn’t mean it, Jolyon. It’s a bit overwhelming.’

Jolyon brushed past. ‘No darling, I understand philistines.’ He caught up with John who was inspecting the front door with a degree of concern as the very lifelike serpents spat from where they had coiled around the side columns. ‘They hiss when someone arrives. It’s more energizing. Now, the ablutoir! Our piece de resistance.’

John waited for me. ‘Let me guess. A waterfall shower.’

Jolyon pushed back the doors. ‘Ha! Trite. Pastiche.’ He stood to one side. Where, before, there had been a simple bath in scratched avocado with an over shower there now throbbed a monstrous roaring vortex. Jolyon bellowed over the cacophony. ‘Try it! It’s 90 per cent holy water and 10 per cent alpaca spittle which has been shown to regenerate…’

‘What in God’s name are they?’ John pointed at two demented creatures on the edges of the water snatching and grabbing at us.

Jolyon began to hover with his quivering excitement. ‘Our ultimate. No more do you need to scrub and rub as we have installed your very own Scylla and Charybdis to do it for you!’

I looked at John who was on the verge of rupturing something in the cardiac region. ‘Maybe we will go to Ikea after all.’

This is in response to Sue Vincent’s latest prompt for #writephoto 

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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52 Responses to Inside Out #writephoto #shortstory

  1. Ritu says:

    Oh could you imagine!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yikes. I’m out of there! Ha ha. Interesting fodder for story, though. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Inspired!! “………….it’s the latest in genetically modified Italian sphagnum, infused with a pixilation of Uzbeck yak’s milk” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. julitownsend says:

    Funny story, but a magnificent image!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Norah says:

    More outside-in isn’t it? So imaginative. Thanks Geoff. I needed that smile. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’ll never get your own property show on Channel 4 with that attitude. On the positive side, you’re going to be making an absolute killing in trading alpaca spittle quite soon, so I’m sure you won’t care too much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      I hear the ruminant phlegm market is quite bullish generally so thanks for the tip. And Channel 4 have turned me down once to often frankly. I’m more your straight to Dave sort of guy.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sue Vincent says:

    Mad as a hatter…:) Thanks, Geoff 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: Inside Out by Geoff Le Pard #writephoto #shortstory | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo

  9. barbtaub says:

    I’m laughing so hard I might hurt something. This is hilarious.

    We are just starting work on our own fixer-upper so I’m taking careful notes. (Wonder who they used for a contractor…)


  10. Wow, what a crazy imagination you have Geoff! I think I would rather go to Ikea too though! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    As we consider our renovation options for our new home in the coming weeks and months it is always useful to browse other people’s designs.. Geoff Le Pard offers a very interesting interior makeover!


  12. Pingback: Photo prompt round up– The Glade… #writephoto | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo

  13. ellenbest24 says:

    You made my mind up for me… a new bathroom it is. You can keep the door bell it isn’t quite my thing, we all have different decor ideas. Ikea is far more frightening than an Alpaca spittled spa. Loved your whacky take on Sue’s. Photo prompt. 😇

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Mary Smith says:

    Oh, brilliant. Changing Rooms gone slightly over the top 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. rivrvlogr says:

    And no need for closets, with all of those coat trees.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Actually, I’d probably buy it if I weren’t sure the dogs would trash it. And that the furniture would fit 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Helen Jones says:

    I do enjoy your sense of humour, Geoff 😀


  18. Ali Isaac says:

    You have a weird mind, Geoffle, anyone ever tell you that before?

    Liked by 1 person

  19. classyqueeny says:

    Well, that was refreshing. Nice writing, and humor. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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