Listing hopelessly… Ten things they fail to tell you when you are about to become a parent

sam jenni geoff olympics 2

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about parenting and that is that the advice you receive is guaranteed to be wrong for you. But you will still receive it by the bucket loads. All well meant and thoughtfully given – some of it is even useful as a test of your own thought processes.

But, and here’s the thing, there’s a parental conspiracy out there who hide stuff from you. It starts with the pain bit at birth (I’m not talking about the mother – that’s a ย given – but ever since the delivery room and not the snug bar has become the venue du jour for the father to be, he has been involved in pain-shared – mine was to have my hand squeezed so hard it resembled a hypodermic needle).

And from that point on the absences of truths that would actually give you a proper heads up on parenting simply keep on rolling in.

I’m sure it’s different for every parent but here are my

Ten things they failed to mention to me when I was about to become a parent

(or maybe that I missed because I was terrified)

1.ย The first labour doesn’t necessarily go on for hours so be prepared to become a dad in the cab/car/bus shelter (yes, I am that cheap).

2. As father to a daughter, it is not wrong that the first thought after delivery is ย ‘Oh crap, boyfriends’.

3. Do not place tea/coffee/other beverage near the changing mat and expect any jet of pee to miss it (only applies to boys).

4. You will eat your own body weight in second hand, already chewed food.

5. Small children cannot count so the terrible twos do not stop immediately they turn three.

6. Negotiating skills are in-built and they have yet to isolate and control that gene.

7. It will be a child psychologist who gives your child their first toy gun.

8. Parenting becomes progressively harder as children gain first freedom of movement, then freedom of expression. What starts out as power and responsibility gradually morphs into responsibility and no power. At an indeterminate point in the future the roles will be reversed and they become your parents; take advantage of the opportunities for payback.

9. Everything else in life can be ended; they have yet to do sale-or-return children.

10. There is no greater pleasure than being able to embarrass your children simply by entering a room.

But, and it is a biggie, the adjective that best describes the sheer bloody loveliness of being a dad (or mum) has yet to be devised.

 

 

 

 

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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30 Responses to Listing hopelessly… Ten things they fail to tell you when you are about to become a parent

  1. Judy Martin says:

    HaHA! You have got this spot-on Geoff, especially the embarrassing them part! However, there is no greater joy than being a parent ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. AJ.Dixon says:

    Number ten made me laugh! I think my Dad would agree with that ๐Ÿ˜„

    Like

  3. Helen Jones says:

    All this and a thousand things more! I always tell expectant parents that no-one can explain what it’s like – they’ll find out when they get to the other side ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Allie P. says:

    Oh, the stories I could tell about #3…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ritu says:

    I love number 5!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. gordon759 says:

    Learn to recognise steam locomotives by their wheel configurations to stop your infant making you look like an idiot. They will know the difference between a 4-6-4 and a 2-4-0 before they can count.

    Like

  7. Fantastic list. Even if there were a manual, I doubt most parents would follow it. Number ten is tops. The eye-roll made my teeth ache, but it was still worth it. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Very nice, and just in time for Mother’s Day. โ˜บ

    Like

  9. Are you comparing child-birth to a squeezed hand? I’m at a loss for words. (Lucky you.) Yes, #4. Eating leftover food that has been nibbled or worse by a kid. It’s so completely gross. And so true. And let’s never speak of it again.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m in the pay back bit and thoroughly enjoying it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ali Isaac says:

    Oh yes! So true. We have just entered the phase of being able to embarrass our kids… what fun! And yes, they are constantly acting like our parents, especially when it comes to wine consumption. Don’t they realise they have driven us to it???

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m kind of glad I missed #3!! You’re right there is nothing quite as rewarding and wonderful as being a parent, and nothing can prepare you for its many delights, and horrors!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Phew, thank goodness I’ll miss all of this. Unless, dogs count?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Sacha Black says:

    PAHAHAHAHA I wanted to pick my favourites on your list but I simply couldn’t they are ALL genius, and so true. I think you need to recount some of these tales in longer posts Geoffle

    Like

  15. The irony of this is that, no matter how much you were told, you didn’t take it in. So I don’t even waste my breath trying to flag these things up (unless I want to have a bit of fun at Sacha’s expense). Only the experience itself will do the job. Great list, Geoff

    Liked by 1 person

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