Heard the one about…?

There’s a thing going around. Not one of those snot-dribbly chest-like-an-out-of-date-yoghurt-carton thingummies but a fad. Or maybe a fab. I’m feeling emotionally dyslexic today – or toady. Yes that’s it I’m feeling toady.

Anyhoos Judy Martin started it here with her poem on housework, self written and read. And then Ritu joined in with her aural chocolatty voice reciting a poem on love, here.

And I only need a nudge, much like any peckish toad in a fly farm, to jump in.

Just before I address the topic de jour, talking about toads reminds me of one of our cats – Crocket possibly – who dragged every living beast he could through the cat flap.  I became used, if not inured, to finding bits of shrews and mice viscera and dismantled stag beetles on the doormat. Once we struck lucky with a pack of four half defrosted pork chops but generally it wasn’t exactly welcome. Then, one Sunday morning, feeling a touch dusty brained after a jolly Saturday night, I eased my way downstairs to make tea.


Crocket, often mistaken for a hat

I’m rather myopic at the best of times and this wasn’t one of them. So when I came across a neatly heaped turd on the penultimate step I cursed the cat. I toyed with the idea of pretending I’d missed it and leaving it for the next person to descend but guilt made me collect a bucket and disinfectant. What to use to scrape the heap into a bag though? There was a cardboard box, awaiting recycling so I ripped off one flap and returned to the crime scene. Still practising my oaths I knelt down and presented the edge of the cardboard to the faecal mountain.

It jumped.

I screamed.

It took a moment to realise this wasn’t an alien disguised as a pooh but a “£$$^&*()))%^^ toad, dragged in by the cat and allowed to roam.

Sorry, where was I?

Oh yes, bloggers being visual and aural. Well, why not? I happen to have this recording, from a couple of years ago when the Vet moved into a flat at Uni. At the time she asked for some guidance on cooking some of her favourite things as well as some help with the news of the day. So I did this thing – Geoff The Chef – and put it on Youtube (I doubt you’ll find it now). It’s a bit long, this is a snippet to give you some idea. To give context: this was 2013 so bear that in mind when hearing the news; I’m talking to my daughter hence ‘darling’ and Rob is the Vet’s boyfriend; and the character making a cameo appearance at the end is the Lawyer on a revision break from his legal exams. If the Rhubarb Squares appeal to you, let me know. I doubt Mary Berry will be concerned.

Oh and the tache? Well that was part of Movember, a movement to grow moustaches in November for charity. I thought about keeping mine but the Vet had other ideas..


About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published three anthologies of short stories and a memoir of my mother. More will appear soon. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
This entry was posted in Animals, baking, Blogging, cake, families, humour, miscellany and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

46 Responses to Heard the one about…?

  1. Sacha Black says:

    lol. you used the commentator voice! What was the cake? p.s. you should have kept the pen tats!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Live toad pooh. Not surprised you screamed 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bikerchick57 says:

    I admire anyone who vlogs or posts voice recordings. As I don’t take good photos or selfies and I’m not a fan of my own voice, I will stick to writing.

    On another matter…I had a cat many years ago who brought a live shrew indoors. It squeaked. I screamed. The cat let it go. I yelled for the husband, who came to my defense with a broom. The shew stood up on its hind legs and hissed. And then it met its demise. After that, the cat was not allowed in the door without a mouth check first.


  4. Toad or poo. What choice have you? 😀 😀 😀
    Lovely kitchen. What were you baking. Now you’re a rock star! 😛


  5. Anabel Marsh says:

    Impressed that you can cook and talk coherently at the same time. I can’t. Re cats, we used to get frogs occasionally, but mainly rodents of varying sizes (up to rats) and small bunny rabbits. These always had their ears removed and laid out in neat parallel lines, presumably because they were not considered edible.


  6. Sue Vincent says:

    Rhubarb squres? Ooh..now there’s an idea…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m still not quite sure what you were preparing in the video. But, no matter, I was distracted by that colorful bowl. ☺ You seem like a natural for the camera !

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Fiona says:

    Haha! I know all about cats and their prey – I bore people with those stories on my blog. And frogs, we live with them in our house. I have a bag that I use to store my computer mouse and other accoutrements next to the sofa. On Sunday, when I was preparing my last post, I inserted my hand into said bag and found, not the mouse, but Frog. We both jumped. Not. entirely unexpected, but I still let out a yelp.

    Anyhow, I retrieved the mouse and kindly set the bag on its side so that Frog could leave in his own time (probably to go and have a swim in the cats’ watering hole), and promptly forgot about it. We have a new helper and she copes with most things, but frogs. “Not my cup of tea,” she advised me. Yesterday, from the office, I heard a shriek from the lounge and realised that Helper had come face-to-face with Frog. She fled and would only return to tidying the living room once Frog had been deposited outside.

    Needless to say, I didn’t tell her that he wasn’t having much of that and was last seen heading back into the kitchen and the cats’ watering hole. Cats, frogs and humans seem to co-exist relatively happily in the house, mostly.

    If you’re interested in our frogs http://fionasfavourites.com/2015/02/01/bags-of-frogs/

    Oh, and I’d love the rhubarb square recipe – for when my rhubarb eventually defeats our hot weather!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Will do re recipe, Fiona. And I’m most impressed with your collection of pets. Positively Doolittle like!


      • Fiona says:

        Thank you! Not sure that I’d categorise them all as pets, haha! And Dr Doolittle – now there’s a memory of wonderful stories and my mother reading aloud to us. Granny sent the books to us, as Christmas or birthday presents, from England. Thanks for that!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Heh heh – Waitrose pinny!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ritu says:

    Fantastic Geoffles! Get on the bandwagon!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Judy Martin says:

    Look at you Geoff, you are a natural! Either that or a natural born show-off!
    Thanks for the mention BTW! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You are that rare male – a multi-tasker! Mixing ingredients and giving political commentary at the same time …………. I foresee a new career for you. The housewives darling keeping us up to date and well fed!! I do feel that rhubarb recipe needs to be shared – there’s a dearth of good rhubarb recipes around this particular house and I love the stuff!

    I had a street cat once who had moved in, mainly to mentor a young kitten who had also recently moved in – a whole other story – but in the process of mentoring he bought inside, in the middle of the night, a large bush rat. Hearing all the racket I arose to find Gully lying prone on the lounge floor batting the still breathing rat about and indicating to the young chap when it was his turn to bound and toss. In the middle of a particularly enthusiastic toss the rat escaped. I couldn’t find it. Opening all the doors and windows and hoping it had the sense to return to the bush, I returned to bed. I awoke some hours later to find the rat in bed with me. I did not know I knew that many coarse, Anglo-Saxon words………

    Living with cats makes for an endless supply of stories huh!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Mick Canning says:

    Is it only me who wants to know what you were drinking from that cup? Dutch courage for the broadcast? Or maybe that says something about me…

    Liked by 2 people

  14. merrildsmith says:

    Our old lady cat got to the point where she’d leave poop piles all over the house. We had to walk carefully, but more than once I stepped in it. I think I’d rather have the toad. 🙂


  15. Susanne says:

    Now I’ll be able to hear your voice when I read your posts. How snot-dribbly wonderful is that?!


  16. Norah says:

    Great Geoff. I loved watching you bake. The cake looks delicious! I agree with Pauline. Recipe please. I’m not a fan of rhubarb but others in my family are. (I don’t think they ever tasted the mush that my mum made. Sorry Mum. xx)
    I can’t believe the stories you come out with. The hilarious things that happen to you. You attract them like flies. Now we’ve got toad or poo. I think I’d rather the poo. At least it doesn’t jump! (Hopefully)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Lisa Reiter says:

    My rhubarb is on its way so a recipe would be timely! It’s a brilliant idea of darling to have you capture yourself in ways other than in the written word and photographs. I’m adding it to my list of things to mark 50!
    In the meantime “much like any peckish toad in a fly farm” best simile award for that one and I also loved to hear talk of stepping over the (suspected) poo for the next person to find.. That happens with cat sick in this house even when it’s in the middle of the floor steaming and waving a banner. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Mary Berry had better watch out! You’re the replacement for when…well, you know.
    Your should make more of these, Geoff. I’m sure you’d be a huge hit on your very won YouTube channel.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. trifflepudling says:

    A friend’s younger son, who was always the first up in the morning, used to leave the cat’s eviscerated offerings and unidentifiable offally bits for his mother to clear up. I was staying with them once and I came down to see a piece of flowery kitchen towel on the stairs. I said to the lad “What’s that?”, and he said “Well, it’s on a dead rat but it’s Mum’s birthday today so I covered it up” !

    Liked by 1 person

    • TanGental says:

      Classic. You’ll enjoy this. I met an Irish friend today. Her daughter is 10 and visited a friend’s farm. The farm cat appeared to be chased away by the farmer. Daughter mentioned her granny in County Sligo or wherever had a farm cat but she was always breeding so caused lots of problems. ‘Can’t she be spade?’ Asked friend’s mother. ‘Oh no,’ came the reply, ‘she’s Catholic’.


  20. Charli Mills says:

    Bring back Geoff the Chef! You can tell us more cat and toad stories while you bake!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. trifflepudling says:

    😅 absolute classic!

    Liked by 1 person

If you would like to reply please do so here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.