Strange goings on in the ‘hood – a story

‘So there were just the two of you when he entered the property you say?’
‘To be accurate, officer, only my grandmother was home. I turned up after he had effected his entry.’
‘The wolf?’
‘How many times must I tell this story?’
‘Sorry Miss. I didn’t catch your name, by the way.’
‘I don’t get given a name, officer; I’m the heroine and I’m known by the bloody cloak.’
‘Right. Bit of a bummer that, if you want to sell your story. You need to think about some branding. My brother does a bit of branding on the side. Sheep and cattle mostly but he might …’
‘Can we stick to the story?’
‘Sorry. And when you say he ‘effected his entry’, is that a sexual euphemism?’
‘Do you mean metaphor?’
‘Is that what he did to your granny?’
‘A metaphor is not a sexual act, officer?’
‘No? Shame. So he entered your granny…’
‘Eeew. Perlease. Granny hid in the cupboard…’
‘I thought he ate her?’
‘That’s the French version.’
‘Ah. Bit liberal with the accualite, are they?’
‘Not for me to say, officer, but they are French.’
‘So granny’s in the cupboard, you come in and you say this wolf is in bed and talking to you.’
‘Yes.’
‘In English?’
‘Well you’d not understand the story if it was German.’
‘Good point. So what’s he say?’
‘Must we?’
‘Look miss, try and see my side. I get a call, all sort of screams and what nots at the woodland cottage. I turn up, find you, alone with an eviscerated wolf on the floor, your granny traumatised in a cupboard and no sign of any knife or axe… There’s not a mark on you neither. And you want me to believe this wolf talked to you and was about to eat you when a itinerant woodcutter turns up, chops up the wolf and then disappears without leaving a number.’
‘I was terrified.’
‘You seem fairly self possessed to me. Are you sure it wasn’t some sort of sexual meta-phwoar?’
‘Metaphor. No.’
‘Well I’ve not much choice. I’ll have to call the RSPCA. You can’t go hacking up endangered species, hide the weapon and expect to get away scot free. Quite frankly, Miss, what you’re telling me is just like some sort of fairy story only in this one you end up with wolverine viscera on the shag pile. That just wouldn’t sell.’
‘Too Grimm?’
‘Couldn’t have put it better myself, miss.’

This story is part of Sacha Black’s Writespiration prompt: complete a well known fairy story after the ‘ha

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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9 Responses to Strange goings on in the ‘hood – a story

  1. Ritu says:

    I love this take Geoffles!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ali Isaac says:

    Haha! Excellent, Geoff! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. noelleg44 says:

    Clever, clever, Geof!

    Like

  4. Charli Mills says:

    Got on a laughing jag, but I lost it at this exchange and woke up the Mills Farm:

    ‘I don’t get given a name, officer; I’m the heroine and I’m known by the bloody cloak.’
    ‘Right. Bit of a bummer that, if you want to sell your story. You need to think about some branding. My brother does a bit of branding on the side. Sheep and cattle mostly but he might …’

    You are so brilliant with humor and sharp dialog!

    Like

  5. Beaton says:

    this is hilarious, I spilled my tea.

    Meta what now phwoar?

    I can so picture such an exchange going, at a local police station, explain what talking wolves and such psssh fairytales

    ~B

    Like

  6. Autism Mom says:

    Love this! I want to read to my son, I think he will love it, too. 🙂

    Like

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