A Writer’s Dictionary

I have read many books on this writing game. I’ve bought style and grammar guides, thesaurus and books of quotes. I have invested in bigger and bigger dictionaries. None however have been that useful in guiding me through the writerly life so I decided to scribbled down some, hopefully, useful definitions in a little Writer’s Companion.

Fiction: the inertia that slows your writing when you lose the letter ‘r’ on your computer

Novelist: the effect of your book beginning to sink under the weight of its own pretension

character: the leading man in your story who turns out to be related to an orange coloured root vegetable

write: to correct your narrative

writer: your work after you write it

narrative: a thin member of some indigeneous people

synopsis: morally indefensible surgical procedure carried out on a sibling

dialogue: a verbal record of deaths

genre: dyslexic colour categorisation

royalties: posh garden parties you dream of attending in lieu of being paid for your work

reviews: double vision that follows harsh criticism

blurb: incapable of seeing the second letter of the alphabet clearly

literary: to toss screwed up pages of your novel at a young prince

publish: the language spoken by writers in bars after a few drinks

protagonist: the state of being in favour of a painfully drawn leading figure

thesaurus: the state of your bottom after hours sitting at your computer

dictionary: the young prince’s glowing phallus

blogger: favoured expression of writers when their computer eats their work in progress, as in ‘Oh blogger!’

Penned: the sense of feeling trapped by your need to write

pen: the place where you write

letters: the permissions needed to allow women to write!

I hope you find these definitions will help explain why it is you write in the first place


About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published two anthologies of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand and Life in a Flash. More will appear soon, including a memoir of my mother's last years. I will try and continue to blog regularly at geofflepard.com about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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11 Responses to A Writer’s Dictionary

  1. Doctor Johnson would be proud of you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. noelleg44 says:

    Geoff: Oscar Wilde would have loved these. I had such a great chuckle this morning!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jan says:

    Good one! I particularly like your definition of genre!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Autism Mom says:

    This is my favorite: “Penned: the sense of feeling trapped by your need to write”

    I completely understand this

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Charli Mills says:

    Spoken, er…written, like a true soul experienced in the craft! This is so true — “writer: your work after you write it.”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sacha Black says:

    This is genius. I actually laughed out loud!


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