Hi. I’m writing this from a very dark place. Very dark indeed.
Let me tell you what happened.
I heard the Gang of Four planned on breakfast so I turned up early disguised as a menu. I did all I could to stop them. Really. But I only managed to delay their arrival at Newton’s Throne. I thought that might be sufficient but the other bloggers waited; who knew they could be patient?
While they chatted and pretended to enjoy each other’s company I trotted over the road to the restaurant. I organised as many families to come in as possible, lots of kids, lots of noise but they DIDN’T MIND. Even the speeches could be heard. Drat and double drat.
They had winners. Oh yes, of course, nasty little teasers. All part of the seduction by the Gang of Four. Check out the winners’ blogs, here, and you’ll see how seductively good they are. They’re like a sugar rush. Before you know it you’ve clicked ‘follow’, you’ve got a email in your inbox and they have you for hours, reading their posts and the comments, enjoying the banter and repartee. You will be brainwashed and have NO LIFE. They are that good.
They will have this sign; it’s a warning: be afraid.
And everyone had a good time. Or they pretended to. Not me, of course. It was awful. It was worse than I thought. I learnt some things you’ll not believe. You see this gang of four use pseudonyms. They’re not who they say they are.
Sacha Black is nothing of the sort. Her real name is… er, well, to tell you the truth it’s so long and unpronounceable it makes
trip off the tongue like Penge.
Let’s just say she needs an extra sheet when she applies for a passport. Her name is in fact an anagram of
A dog ate Nicholas’ Water Knickers
That’s suspicious, isn’t it?
Hugh Roberts is a Palindromic Patagonian Postman called Robert Hughes intent on delivering Hove into the clutches of the Welsh using only bubble wrap and a second class stamp.
Ali Isaac is in fact Isaac Ali, a 4000 year old bearded Indo-Irish Mythological Mystic.
The Geoffle is just hopeless.
I needed to get in closer but they were suspicious. So I used a disguise
Can you see me? No, not the stupid goon with the pink beard – what a show off. No I’m the third piece of lemon drizzle cake on the left. Neat huh? I sat in that sweaty box for hours, waiting my chance. Eventually they took the lid off and I was just about to take copious notes when someone ate me. It could have been Suzie from Suziespeaks: she won twice and loved the cake.
Talk about inconsiderate. That’s why I’m in a dark place. I don’t know when I’ll emerge or what shape I’ll be in. But I did hear they want to do this again. So I will be back.
We will stop this muck spreading