Bash the #bloggersbash -Together we can STOP THE ABBAs

Hi again. I think it’s safe to blog because everyone has stopped following me. I know why. It’s those

ABBAs.

Have you seen this?

abba-final

It’s happening and I warned you. Not that you’ve listened. Or you’ve been brainwashed. THEY are running a campaign to discredit me. But I won’t be silenced.

Look, someone has had to take the lead for those committed to

BOOB

You remember? Back Off Our Blogs? Someone left a comment. I think they wanted me to lead BOOB.  It was coded, of course, to stop them being persecuted too. But pretty clear.

‘You’re a complete tit’

That’s a compliment, right? Wanting me to point the way?

Anyway, I wanted to warn you the Gang of Four have finalised their egregious blog-domination plans. Yeah PLANS.

Take those awards thingies, above, for which you can vote, right? I thought we might bring them down by overwhelming their software but they coped. Geez, I don’t know how. I heard people have voted in their thousands. Yeah thousands and still they managed to keep their dastardly scheme afloat. They must have some awesome IT.

I think it’s that Irish one – you know, freckles and an orange beard? Short, wears green? She’s put a hex on the web. I heard she’s into myths and stuff. Bog dives at the weekends, hunting for leprechaun gold and the rare Geoffle that lives deep beneath the peat, eating toasted cheese hamsters and dreaming up awful jokes.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

Apparently all Irish rainbows are now adrift because of all the gold she’s taken from the pots at the ends of the rainbows. Only last week, in Dublin the press was full of the first ever Monster Gay Pride Eyebrow Festival. The Irish Prime Minister, The TeeShirt, has declared a national emergency and when last seen the Rainbows were making steady progress across the Irish Sea. Wales is on standby. If you doubt me, take a dander at her blog. Here. She’s had it webbed to keep it afloat. Cunning.

It’s no surprise, given the direction of the now rampant airborne EyeBrows, that the Welsh one has also been causing problems for BOOB. I admit, he had me fooled for a while. You know, all chummy and cosy-like? All that stuff about Mildred and the dog. But I found out his secret. It’s in those oh-so-innocent short stories, he posts. They are message-boards for aliens. The Truth App? Come on. Everyone can see it is really a Jupiter based invasion trigger sequence. When it’s been read 150 times the invasion can’t be stopped. Simples. I’ve put a link here to stop you reading it by accident.

And given the direction of travel you just plot a straight line and what do you find? You reach the Lair of the  Black Queen; the power behind this scam. You see she’s not content with a little blog-subversion. Not that one. She pretends to be a twenty-something, wannabe novelist who posts about inspiring other writers, but in fact she is a two hundred and twenty seven year old inter-planetary despot. Because of the coded messages from the  Hwyl (he calls himself Hugh but really he’s neat undiluted Hwyl – it’s a kind of Welsh paraffin you rub in your chest and it sets you all aflame) and the gold funding from the Irish One, the Black Queen has found her way to

PLANETARY DOMINATION

That’s right. That’s what this is all about. It’s the start of

INVASION

First you’re seduced by their lizard writing and snake-like charm. Then it’s this meeting, all free hugs and big smiles.

IST AUGUST AT 11 AM  AT THE BRITISH LIBRARY

But the truth is – and I got this from Hwyl’s Truth Appity thingy – they are after your interior worlds. Because they know you are the Ultimate Creators. You have all these people running around inside you, desperate to get out.

If they tap into your feeble  febrile minds and find the source they’ll have an army of characters. And we all know these sort of characters are utterly biddable. They can make them do anything.

But I have found their weakness. They hate loud noise. Really loathe it. So this is what we do.

We keep voting, right? We want them to believe they have deceived us. The more votes by

Thursday 30th not later than 12.00 noon

the better.

Then we all turn up on the day. Remember

1st August at 11am at the British Library.

HERE

2015-07-08 09.54.41

That’s one of them, sitting on the toilet and eating some misbegotten blogger.

You see all of them have to eat. They are

RAVENOUS.

They have to eat. Often. So they’ll be refuelling at

Pizza Express from 12.30.

That’s when they are at their weakest. See, at some point one of them will stand up to ‘say a few words’. That’s the cue. You applaud. Hard. And long. And cheer ‘Hooray’ and ‘Well done’ and ‘Cod fillets’. And let your characters go. Release the Hordes. They will trounce them. You will see them for what they are.

We will win.

But if you see a rainbow, duck.

PS some one has asked about the fourth one, the one they use to wear their secret weapons-grade T shirt in their photos, the one with no eyes. He’s a stooge, what with his upside down head and ears like a wing-nut it clear he is a puppet. He’ll be there, for sure but just watch him. He’ll always be holding onto something, always with a rucksack on. It’s a weight. If he takes it off or lets go he floats like a  barrage balloon. Full of gas, that’s why and if he hits one of those rainbows, London will be drowned in sequins and glitter. Imagine the fun!

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published three books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars and Salisbury Square. In addition I published an anthology of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand this summer. A fourth book will be out soon. This started life as a novel in a week on this blog and will follow later this year. I blog about all sorts at geofflepard.com and welcome all comments. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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43 Responses to Bash the #bloggersbash -Together we can STOP THE ABBAs

  1. Sacha Black says:

    Pure genius this. Lolling all over the place.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. You’re hilarious… Very much looking forward to meeting you and the rest of the bunch!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jools says:

    I’m a bit scared now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ali Isaac says:

    Reblogged this on aliisaacstoryteller and commented:
    Dammit! Geoffle has seen through our dastardly plot…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ali Isaac says:

    LMAO!! Geoffle you are a genius! Xxx And truly hilarious… Don’t know if I can cope with a full day in your presence! My face and ribs will be in agony from so much laughing…

    Like

  6. Sue Vincent says:

    Lunatics, the lot of you 😀 Roll on Saturday! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. roweeee says:

    Sniff! Sniff! Sob! Sob!
    It’s hard to be an Aussie blog
    No British Library jaunts for me,
    just loads of sun,
    and a sandy beach
    where doggies run.

    While others try to make
    their online profiles match
    their more humble selves
    in flesh & blood,
    I retain eternal youth,
    model looks and eloquence.
    While my fingers tap across the keys
    and my eyes fixate upon the screen
    I’ll be thinking about
    where I could be
    just down the road from
    Liz the Queen.

    A rushed off poem not intended to be a masterpiece, more a lament! xx Ro

    Liked by 3 people

  8. You lot are absolutely mad! You are going to have one crazy, fun-filled day. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You should be on stage, Geoff. This is pure comedy at its very best. I’ve got tears running down my face and I’ve only just put my face on! And don’t ask which face!

    OMG, I’m not going to be able to control myself on Saturday. BUT I STILL WANT TO HOLD THE PINK BROLLY!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. esthernewton says:

    Mmm…don’t think I’m going to have any sanity left by the end of Saturday! Bring it on 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  11. willowdot21 says:

    Please how the hell do I vote or are you all in league with the hubby stopping me from joining in at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. olganm says:

    Fantastic! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Charli Mills says:

    I know I voted correctly! If I read that the British Library went up in flames of rainbows this weekend I’ll pretend I had no idea! Ya’ll have fun!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Reblogged this on Hugh's Views & News and commented:
    This is your last 30 minute warning! Voting closes at 12 midday BST today.

    And here is a very humerous tale from one of the four committee members who pretends to be an International Spy. If you see this man on Saturday then give him a great big bear hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on graemecummingdotnet and commented:
    As I write this, it’s clearly too late now to ask readers for their votes. Even so, it’s worth reading the following from Geoffle (I think that’s going to stick now).

    If you are already planning to come along, please don’t change your mind after reading this. I understand he’s harmless really, and apparently the drugs DO work.

    If you haven’t decided to join us yet, then here’s a final opportunity to commit – even if you don’t like pizzas. I don’t either, but I’ll suffer in silence. Well, I might mumble a bit.

    And if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, start searching for the Bloggers Bash. Not the one in the Big Apple – it’s already happened apparently – but the one in London this coming Saturday. If you like beards, you could be in for a treat…

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sherri says:

    Bring it on. See you tomorrow Geoff!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Pingback: Stream of Conciousness Saturday: Will you be Ready? | willowdot21

  18. Pingback: #BloggersBash Myth 2016: Part Two The Pyjama Party | aliisaacstoryteller

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