They seem to be a bit of a theme, given I’ve just posted the start of my novel in posts that is inspired by dogs. A while back I wrote this poem, having watched my then dog Blitz do his doggy thing. It’s a bit, well, scatological. Anyway see if it registers with you.

My dog

My dog really, really doesn’t like to crap on tarmac.

He holds himself on York stone,

Gravel sets his knees a’tremble

And decking acts as a constipator.

But a bit of mud, or better grass or leaves,

And he doesn’t hold back.

Then he runs away,

Sort of ashamed.

Unlike when he wees;

Then he stays to make sure he’s covered

Whatever smell was there before.

Little spurts really, like aftershave, placed carefully to cover the pongy bits.

Sometimes, when he’s checking the sniffs

To decide if it’s worth using up his


He gets one that really hits the spot.

He’ll dribble and even lick it.

Brut for dogs.

Canine confectionary.

Can you imagine the outcry

If we let our offspring lick a stranger’s scent?

The health and safety implications

The wise commission to report,

The underemployed medics

To sit on daytime TV sofas and pontificate

On the physiological dangers of permitting licking

And the psychological threats of stopping licking:

Careers are founded on less.

Sniffing is an art form, requiring a particular angle of approach

Which is really not possible when on the lead.

It’s probably why he doesn’t like meeting other dogs when he’s on the lead;

It’s difficult to say hello properly if you’re constrained,

Like shaking hands with handcuffs on.

How can you circle, sniff the balls (or whatever)

Then go end to end.

Checking for today’s perfume,

Noses plugged into each other’s socket.

I often wonder what they mean when they say:

‘It’s a dog’s life’.

Good for them, I say;

Me, I always preferred shaking hands.

Not sure if this counts but I’m linking to Linda’s JusJoJan prompt. Neat idea Linda.

About TanGental

My name is Geoff Le Pard. Once I was a lawyer; now I am a writer. I've published four books - Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle, My Father and Other Liars, Salisbury Square and Buster & Moo. In addition I have published two anthologies of short stories, Life, in a Grain of Sand and Life in a Flash. More will appear soon, including a memoir of my mother's last years. I will try and continue to blog regularly at about whatever takes my fancy. I hope it does yours too. These are my thoughts and no one else is to blame. If you want to nab anything I post, please acknowledge where it came from.
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11 Responses to Dogs

  1. rtpanday says:


    Liked by 1 person

  2. LindaGHill says:

    Hahaha! I love the poem. 🙂 Thanks for linking to JusJoJan, Geoff. 🙂


  3. willowdot21 says:

    Brilliant Geoff, it suits just fine!! It is a great idea I join in last year as well as this year too! xx I prefer to shake hands too!! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. shanjeniah says:

    I love this! Like I always say to my kids, “Dogs have strange hobbies!”

    You’ve captured it perfectly, here. So glad I found you right at the top of the list! =D


  5. Norah says:

    It’s lovely to read a poem on your blog again. I haven’t seen many (poems) for a while. Maybe I’ve just missed them! I think you’ve summed the doggie practices up just nicely! 🙂


  6. Charli Mills says:

    There’s a funny Native American story that tells how dogs hold an election for their leader but upon failing to find that esteemed hound each and every dog to this day is committed to the search! Yep, shaking hands is better.


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