This is for another challenge I spotted here. Hope its in time
‘Where?’
‘There.’
‘What
do you see?’
‘You
got me up for twenty sodding questions?’
‘Humour
me?’
‘Logan,
it’s five in the morning on the longest day. I’m standing in wet grass by a
ruin without having had either a coffee or a poo and you’re auditioning for a
pub quiz…’
‘What
do you see?’
‘A
wall. Grass. Flowers. A door…’
‘Exactly!’
‘Oh,
give me strength. Which of wall, grass, flowers or door has given you a random
stiffy…?’
‘That’s
really rather crude.’
‘CRUDE!
I want my bed, not some architectural Kim’s game but, oh no, you damn near
break in, drag me here on the pretext of the most exciting thing that’s
happened in Dollop on the Nadge since Oliver Cromwell stopped for a pee on his
way to Worcester and show me an ancient monument which, unless you really are
the utter numpty I’ve always suspected WE SAW YESTERDAY! And you’re offended by
my defence to your priapic response to a
random list of visual clues… Well, forgive me for being PISSED OFF.’
‘Look!’
‘Oh
what now? Did you take a picture of your bum on the photo copier again?’
‘That
was an accident. Look. I took this yesterday.’
‘Not
another bloody selfie with…???’
‘You’ve
seen it, haven’t you?’
‘Is
this the same spot? You sure?’
‘See
that ridge and those green ferns, like mildewed armadillo bums sticking out.
They’re the same. Only now there’s…’
‘…
a door? How does a door like that appear overnight? Is it real?’
‘How
do you mean? Knock it if you like.’
‘It
sounds real enough. How does a door appear?’
‘Extreme
carpentry?’
‘Oh
sure. Like… someone’s coming! This is too weird.’
‘Should
we, you know, scarper?’
‘We’re
not ten year olds ringing the doorbell and running away, you muppet. I want to
find out…’
‘HALLO.
CAN I HELP?’
‘Is
he speaking in capitals?’
‘Yes.
Hello. We were wondering…’
‘ABOUT
THE DOOR? PEOPLE OFTEN WONDER HOW IT HAPPENS.’
‘Yes,
how can a door appear…’
‘NOT
THE DOOR. THAT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE WONDER ABOUT.’
‘No?
It’s bloody odd.’
‘IS
IT? IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I COULDN’T DO MY JOB IF I DIDN’T HAVE A DOOR
READY.’
‘Couldn’t
you?’
‘WELL
I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT HAVE A CURTAIN BUT IT LACKS THE EXPECTED SUBSTANCE, DON’T
YOU THINK? PEOPLE EXPECT A CERTAIN FINALITY. NOTHING LIKE A DOOR SLAMMING
BEHIND YOU TO SIGNIFY CLOSURE.’
‘Look,
sorry, and I really don’t mean to press but really, what are you doing here?’
‘ME?
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?’
‘Sorry,
no. A clue maybe?’
{SIGHS}
‘SKELETAL FIGURE, BLACK CLOAK, SPEAKS IN CAPITALS?’
‘Nope,
unless you’re some sort of caretaker.’
‘I
SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY THAT. HANG ON, WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHERE DID I PUT…? OH,
HERE WE GO. TADA!’
‘A
scythe? Old school farmhand?’
‘OH
FOR GOODNESS SAKE. TRY THIS.’ {COUGHS AND BOOMS} ‘YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!!’
‘Oh
yes! You’re the grim thingy…’
‘Cutter…?’
‘Mower…?’
‘REAPER.’
‘That’s
it! I never knew you brought a door.’
‘HOW
DO YOU THINK I GET INTO THIS WORLD AND THEN OUT AGAIN? MAGIC?’
‘I
hadn’t really thought…’
‘NO,
WELL YOU LOT DON’T, DO YOU? IT’S ALL ABOUT WILFUL IGNORANCE, PLAUSIBLE
DENIABILITY. SOME OF YOU DON’T EVEN THINK I EXIST. REALLY THE EDUCATION
STANDARDS THESE DAYS ARE DREADFUL.’
‘This
is soo cool. What’s the other side? Of the door?’
‘THE
HALL.’
‘Is
that all?’
‘OF
COURSE NOT. THERE’S A CHOICE. ONCE YOU COME THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND IT’S
CLOSED… DID I SAY IT HAS A REALLY SATISFYING TERMINAL THWUNK WHEN IT SHUTS?
ONCE IT HAS SHUT MY GUEST CHOOSES HIS OR HER HEREAFTER. HEAVEN, VALHALLA, HALLS
OF ODIN, THAT SORT OF THING.’
‘Can
we.. you know.. take a peek?’
‘I’M
NOT MEANT TO…’
‘Are
there demons? Wailings and gnashings? Boiling oil?’
‘OH,
YES. THE WHOLE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE. GO ON, BE QUICK.’
‘Oooo…
is that…?
‘TRIDENT
SPIKING? IT’S GOOD, ISN’T IT?’
‘Wow.
Could I maybe, you know, get a quick snap?’
‘ANOTHER
SELFIE? I SUPPOSE, IF YOU’RE QUICK. HOW DO YOU WANT ME?’
‘How
about with the scythe raised and teeth bared… no perhaps not that. I know,
hood up, face hidden. Perfect. See I told you it was worth getting up early?’
‘I
hate to admit it, but you were right? Look, thanks Mr Death…’
‘I’VE
STARTED USING DE’ATH. SOFTENS IT FOR THE SNOWFLAKE GENERATION. APPARENTLY IT’S
ALL ABOUT BUILDING A BRAND.’
‘Yes,
I like it. I guess you need to stand out from other Harbingers Of Doom? We’d
better be off. I guess you’ll need to be getting off to whoever’s turn it is,
won’t you?’
‘OH,
I THOUGHT YOU’D HAVE TWIGGED. IT’S YOU TWO.’
‘Us?’
‘Both
of us?’
‘Together?’
‘EXACTLY.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SEE THE DOOR? NOW, YOU SEE THAT PLANE?’
‘Yes?’
‘IN
FIVE FOUR THREE TWO…’
‘Arghhhh!!’
‘…
A JET ENGINE WILL FALL ON YOU BOTH. PRETTY UNLUCKY, I SUPPOSE, UNLESS YOU COUNT
INSTANT OBLITERATION AS A PLUS….’
‘We
did get to see you…’
‘Not
everyone can say that…’
‘WELL
TECHNICALLY ANYONE FOR WHOM THE SANDS OF TIME HAVE RUN THEIR COURSE GETS TO SEE
ME….’
‘Yes
but we saw you when we were alive…’
‘And
The selfie? I bet I’m getting loads of likes on Instagram…’
‘I’M PLEASED YOU CAN TAKE THE POSITIVES. SO MANY PEOPLE JUST WANT TO MOAN. NOW, LET’S JUST CLOSE THE DOOR… THERE. WE CAN RUN THROUGH A FEW FORMALITIES AND YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY…’
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